I don't like Mother's Day. I never was a huge fan. As a kid, it even seemed kind of wrong to celebrate Mom one day by, I don't know, not being a pill or helping around the house or whatever when, come Monday, it was life as usual. And the cards? $5 for a piece of paper? Really? As I was buying cards this last week, I pondered the small fortune I was spending. Kind of crazy.
Being so far away from my mom sucks too. Mother's Day is a reminder that she is 800+ miles away and I cant just get a hug whenever. That she cant play with the kiddos just because she was in the neighborhood. That visits have to be choreographed and planned so that they work out, and they are never, ever long enough. I'll call her, and then I'll cry because I'll miss her more. I called her last week and I have to just have a second to decompress after because I realize I cant just go see her. And that sucks.
I'm grateful for my mother-in-law, who is a wonderful mom to both Peter and I. She and I are quite close and that's nice. But we're close every day; we don't need a day designated for that.
I love Bobby and Maya with all my heart. I love that Maya has been telling me all week that Mother's Day is Sunday and that it is my special day. I treasure the little cards they made me. I treasure everything they make; my days are always special because they are in them. And I love feeling little Michael moving around inside, reminding me that this Mother's Day, like the one in 2009, is extra special because I am a mom-to-be as well.
But that joy is tempered by the missing. I miss Nicholas and Sophia and Alexander every moment; the one thing Mother's Day does have is the ability to make me miss them a little bit more. I remember Mother's Day 2008 and just how heartbreaking it was to celebrate a day that should have made be over the moon when all I really wanted to do was scream at the Universe and erase the day from existence. It sucked. And then, 2009 came and, while I was happy, I was tentatively pregnant with two babies while having buried three others. I miss them. There's never going to be a celebration where we are all together and that just sucks, plain and simple.
Yesterday, I put my mother's necklace on... Peter had bought me version 1 (with 2 babies) for Mother's Day 2008, then replaced it for Christmas after we lost Alexander, with one that had 3 babies on it. I used to wear it all the time and then, for some reason, stopped. It felt right to put it back on, on the chain with alexandrite that he gave me for our anniversary last year, with my Brigid's cross and St. Brigid's pendant. 3 babies: one for each that I don't have with me, one for each that I do.
And thank God for all of them. Without them, I'd not be a mom. And, while it can be the most painful thing in the world, there's no other way I'd rather be. So, today will be full and empty, all at the same time. We'll go to Mass, we'll have breakfast, and then... nothing. No big family dinners, no visiting. My MIL and I decided that this year we both wanted the same thing: to just be left alone. (Sounds awful doesn't it?) The gift we are giving to ourselves. No worry about cooking and cleaning for a group or making reservations somewhere... Just hours to relax and be. It was funny when we were on the phone and she mentioned just wanting to stay home and turn off the phone. When I agreed, we laughed and decided, on the spot, that our plan was going to be that simple. (I think the men were more confused by it, LOL!)
Wishing that today, in spite of the journey, you are able to have moments of peace and happiness.