Learning to breathe again after the deaths of my twins, Nicholas & Sophia, my son, Alexander, and 6 miscarriages... and finding joy on the journey with my sweet preemie twins, Bobby & Maya, and our miracle TAC singletons, Michael, Lucas, and Ana.
Monday, April 27, 2009
A Good Friend
She remembers their birthdays, even the monthlies that can get lost as days fade from one to another. She isn't afraid to say their names or to talk about them with me. And now, today, I am touched once again by her giving nature and for all that she does. See why here.
She has been supportive through every pregnancy. This time around, when I've freaked out because of this or that, she's been a voice of reason. When I'm scared, she reassures me. When I'm down, she picks me up. We live over 800 miles away from each other and I rarely get back, but when I do, she's one of the major stops on the list. We watch each other's lives through pictures and emails, but when we are together, it's as though only a day or so has gone by.
We all need a good friend. I've been blessed with many, too many to name. But today, it is one in particular that is on my mind. And for her- Thank You. For everything.
Friday, April 24, 2009
When I logged in, I noticed that my birthday post for Alexander was saved and not published last night. What's up with that, Blogger??? So, took care of that and my email. I'm so ready to do SOMETHING. I just dont know what. Maybe eat... That seems to be a top priority these days...
Tuesday night, I had my final board meeting for work. When I gave the board my resignation, it was so quiet. And, as the County librarian tried desperately to reassure them that she would rehire my position and all would be well, some fistacuffs broke out. A side effect of stress, no doubt, but it was a heated evening. I was glad when it was over and I came home to a delicious potato-crusted cod dinner, lovingly prepared by my hubby.
Yesterday afternoon, I had my last departmental meeting for the main library and branches. My boss brought me flowers and everyone had signed a beautiful card. It was very unexpected and so nice. The flowers are daffodils, sweet peas, and hydrangas in a square green vase that will be so lovely in the nursery (which is painted a shade of green). Truly, such a sweet gesture. After the meeting, since it is the last time I will be at the main library (at least, it is the last time I plan to be there for a few months!), I ended up there for almost 2 hours saying good-bye to the staff! (There are about 70 people who work at the main branch, although I didn't visit with all 70, LOL). People are very excited, and I had several people tell me they were praying for us, including adding us to their prayer lists. Very sweet. They all made me promise to visit around Thanksgiving/Christmas with babies in tow. God, I hope I didn't lie to them all when I said that I would. It's a promise I desperately want to keep.
Today, my entire afternoon is filled with interviews as I try to replace one my staff whose last day is Tuesday. I have 5 scheduled in 5 hours. Plus another on Monday. I hope that someone is worthwhile! Of 50+ resumes, I responded to about 15, and of those, I have 6 interviews. Eek...
Well, perhaps I will go cuddle up to my husband and try to convince him to give me an early morning backrub... :)
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Happy 5m birthday, Alexander
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Monday, April 20, 2009
So, Saturday. I woke up and actually felt pretty good. So we went to the aforementioned charity walk for a local maternity home. Peter and our friend, Sarah, ran; I walked. They came in first in their age group (30-39), he for men, she for women (obviously). I brought up the end of the race and I don't care! I wasn't walking fast! I finished a mile in 19 minutes (yuck!) but it was a good walk. And I felt good the entire morning. Then, the afternoon hit and I was concerned. What if I overdid it... What if I did "something"... You know. The crazy mind issues. Which led me to making a permanant connection with the couch all afternoon and evening.
Sunday, we were serving 2 Masses at church, so we were gone by 7am and didn't get back until 11am. Fine and dandy. Butt to couch. And I was an absolute nutcase when I was awake. I slept a lot (thank God) but when I was awake, I was convinced "something bad" was going to happen. Peter, good guy that he is, got pH strips, since I was having a fit that I was leaking. This will give you some insight into my nutty head. So, for those who may not know, the pH of urine is around 7, but can go anywhere from 4-8. The pH of amniotic fluid is 7-7.5. The pH of vaginal secretions is 4-6. So, this gives a decent range of whether to even be concerned or not. I'd decided that, if the test was 7-7.5, I'd call the doctor, otherwise, things would be okay. So... First off, there isn't even enough fluid to do a test. We're not talking gushing or even a trickle. We're talking "I swear I feel something going on down there and there's some moistness." It could be freaking sweat for all I know. But, I digress. I end up having to put the strips against my skin because there isn't enough stuff to even saturate the pad! (For reference, imagine the strip inside of a pregnancy test or an OPK strip... We arent talking rocket science here.) I must have done a half dozen. And the ones that I could actually get a sample on read between 4 and 5. For a normal person, this would have brought relief (especially since my husband works with strips just like these for work and knows how to read them!). Not me. I was convinced they were wrong. Because, God knows, I couldn't just be okay with things being fine when I was having a mental breakdown.
On top of this, I've had two instances of vaginal "farting". My apologies for the TMI. My hope is that SOMEONE else has had this during pregnancy because it freaks me out! The first was on Friday and I was convinced I was going to miscarry right afterwards. Then, yesterday afternoon. The rational brain tells me that my uterus is expanding and things are changing, so it's no surprise that air needs to be released. The irrational part- I must be miscarrying. Then, there are the twinges of pain in my abs and lower back. Again, irrational me yells "miscarriage!!!" while the rational part says "completely normal" (not to mention that my ovaries are still the size of a massive golfball so it's no wonder they are tender!).
We have our second ultrasound on Wednesday morning. I'm hoping that seeing everything normal and okay on the ultrasound will send these fears back to Hades where they belong. I plan on telling Dr. Lee that I've been having some anxiety issues and asking for advice. My thought is that she will probably tell me to talk to Dr. Bailey about it, since she'll be releasing us to his care. But it doesn't hurt to ask.
The only way that I get to sleep (which, thankfully, I do sleep a lot) is by praying. I just repeat prayers over and over and over again until I pass out. Last night, it was several rounds of the Our Father before starting on the Hail Mary which I eventually fell asleep to. Same thing this morning when I woke up too early to get up. And, of course, the constant requests that St. Gerard, St. Gianna, St. Brighid, and every other saint I can think of who might have some relationship to pregnant women, to pray for our babies and to pray for us.
I know that the fear is natural. How can it not be when our life experiences in the pregnancy arena have been full of heartache as well as joy. But the debilitating anxiety... That's a new thing for me. And I feel so weak for it and for even sharing it, but I dont know what else to do. Especially for those parents who have done this journey, tell me, I'm not crazy. That you've been there. That we're going to make it.
Friday, April 17, 2009
Make a liar out of me
Sorry for the TMI, but I've been having diarrhea that has been knocking the life out of me. I mean, it is not cool to go to the bathroom 4 times in 20 minutes. Not cool at a ll. And I've been having clear, watery mucus. (Don't worry- doesn't smell metallic, no tinting... Had this with Nick & Sophie, dont remember it with Alex.) So, of course, I picked this morning, with this lovely combo, to freak. I havent thrown up, but food isnt my friend. Yet I'm hungry (even though I ate some cream of wheat at 8:30, I'm starving again.) And sneezing. I hate sneexing. My water broke with Alexaner during a sneeze, and I just hate them. I'm convinced I'm going to go into labor with every sneeze. And when I'm pregnant, I sneeze ALL THE TIME. In addition, because of hte bathroom issues, my lower back hurts whenever I have to "go" and I get odd pains around my midsection.
The rational part of my brain says "everything is fine... completely normal." The other part- well, I can't repeat most of what it says.
Why couldnt the peace stay? Is it because I have an ultrasound on Wednesday and the stress and worry of "something" is pushing the good, positive mojo away? Is there something really wrong and it's intuition?
I apologize for the whining. I'm just having a really bad day (which sucks because yesterday was a really good, positive day, and I've had quite a few of those peaceful days.) I'm scared. And I just want to wake up from the nightmare. I realize that every day will be fearful and that there will always be a nagging voice in my head telling me that my pregnancy is headed for disaster. Why cant I just wish it away and have a normal pregnancy? With hopes, not fears... Is that too much to ask?
Say a prayer for my babies, please... And that I'll take a chill pill and relax, and realize that everything is perfectly fine.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Is their prozac in the air?
My grief is still here. It still hurts like a constant knife in my chest. My heart aches and I mourn my children. But I feel them with me. Since giving my notice and feeling that stress melt away, I feel them more. I told Peter once that I hated coming into work because I didn't feel them. That I could feel them at home but not here and that I couldn't face that much of my day without them. I have such relief with the decision that was made and put out there on Monday, and I feel them with me so much more. And I know it is because the stress that clogs everything has gone away, leaving me more open to their presences. And it makes a HUGE difference. It makes things okay. It hurts to think about life without them, but feeling them makes me realize they aren't really gone. They aren't here the way I want. They never will be. I'll never be able to nurse them or watch them grow up or kiss their booboos. I'll never be able to hold them, physically, in my arms again. And it sucks. And it makes me angry. And I still have yelling matches with God about it where I kick my feet and beat my hands and weep openly. It's not fair... But, feeling them... And, it may sound crazy... It may be the prozac in the air... But I swear to you, I feel them as much as if they were right here. Sometimes, it's in bed, when they nuzzle into my arms and I can smell them, they way they smelled as I held them on their birthdays. Sometimes, it's in the breeze outside or the raindrops that fall and kiss us without ceasing. Sometimes, it's in church, where I can hear them singing, louder than anyone else, and I know those voices are the voices of my children- even though I never got a chance to hear them on earth. Maybe I am crazy. But if I am, I don't want to be sane. I know the ache wont end and I dont want it to. But for those moments when they are with me again, the world is right. Things are okay. We are okay. Separated by this time and place, but not in our hearts and spirits. Our hearts beat together when they were on the inside and, in those moments, they beat together again.
I have my moments with this pregnancy too. Sometimes, the peace is overwhelming. There is a sense that I am doing the best that I can, have the best care money can by, and have an army of people who care about us and are praying for us. Catholics can appear to be a superstitious bunch, but the love and the faith is inspiring to me. A friend last night told Peter that she has a handkercheif that was blessed at the St. Gerard shrine that she wants to give to us to sleep with under my pillow. Another friend gave me a novena to St. Gerard and yet another gave me a prayer card and pamphlet for St. Gerard. I have 2 prayer cards for St. Gianna. And, the biggest thing, is that I have a rosary, blessed by Pope Paul VI, specifically with the intention of keeping mothers and babies safe during high risk pregnancies. I know that, to the outside, it might sound a little strange to have these "relics" of sorts in the hopes that these holy men and women might intercede and add their prayers to ours. But, yet, so comforting. Praying that rosary does give me a sense of peace. Touching the prayer cards and asking the saints for prayer- it calms me when I'm feeling led astray by my anxiety.
I can only imagine that, as cerclage time grows nearer, my anxiety will increase. After all, great OB or not, there are risks. And, as much as I try not to think about it, there are cases where the stitching doesn't work. The thoughts terrify me. It's unchartered territory. I don't know what to expect. I don't know what will happen. Will I lose these precious babies in 4 weeks because a needle slips or the contractions that start as a result of messing with the cervix can't be stopped? And then, even if the weeks following progress okay, the 3 weeks when I delivered their older siblings will be upon us. If we make it into the 20s, will I feel better? Will the worries of prematurely delivering suddenly end? I can't imagine they will. Possibly at 24w, I will feel a little better because there will be that glimmer of "a chance". But we all know, making it to full term doesn't fix things either. There's never a safe place... Just a place where our history is truly our history and has no chance of being our present again. I'm not there.
I'm farther than my miscarriages. Our babies heartbeats have been seen and my hCG tests all rose appropriately. That gives me some confidence. But, as I near the 7w mark, I keep in my mind all the women who mourn the babies that died before the hit 11w... And I wonder if the surgery that is due around Mother's Day will happen at all or if I'll have to make that dreaded call to cancel my outstanding OB appointments.
Yet, I'm striving to keep my head up and my thoughts positive. My April 24th ultrasound has been rescheduled to the 22nd, due to a conflict that has arisen at work, so that now means, less than a week until I see our babies on the big screen again and see their flickering heartbeats. We will be 7w4d instead of 7w6d. That's okay. I'll take it. At that point, Dr. Lee will release us to Dr. Bailey, and I'll see him during my last week of work.
3w1d of work to go. It's such a surreal experience to be closing up shop and getting things ready for the next person. This was my dream job. Being the director/manager of a small town branch library was what I wanted to do and I acheived it. And it was great while it lasted. Being a mom pushed it to the bottom of the "dream job" list, along with everything else, and that is okay. To each, it's own season. I'm sure that there is someone else who will fill my shoes and take the library to a new level, beyond where I have brought it. And that will be a good thing. And I'm happy that my name has been added to the roster of women who have run this great institution.
In five hours, I'll be remembering the moment of my daughter's birth and writing in her journal. My precious Sophia was born 14 months ago. Happy birthday, my sweet.
Happy 14m birthday, Sophia!
Monday, April 13, 2009
Another holiday comes and goes...
Such a weight has been lifted. I'm nervous, of course. I mean, financially, this is going to be a huge hit, but money isn't everything. We'll sacrifice and make it work. It'll be scary, but we've lived on much less. I'll keep praying that Peter's job continues to be safe and that everything will be okay. Really, what else can you do?
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Drum Roll, Please.....
Dr. Lee was in as much shock as we are. We are 5w5d and she didn't expect the heartbeats, but they were there! She found twin A's while she was measuring twin B, and vice versa. She said since they are still so primative, she couldn't get a bpm (afterall, they just started beating yesterday!) but that she was super impressed we could see them at all! We go back 2 weeks from tomorrow (at7w6d) for our follow-up and, assuming all is well, we will be released to Dr. Bailey. She is calling in a prescription for folic acid.
Right now, my fear is overrun by my joy and the hard hitting truth that my 3 babies aren't here to meet and know my 2 new babies. But, as Peter told me, they already know them... Better, perhaps, than we ever will.
Happy Holy Thursday. Prayers for you all, and blessings on your families.
Today is the day!
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
I've been sleeping a lot again. For a few days, I had some crazy energy, but now, we are back to sleeping on the couch after work, getting woken for dinner, and falling back to sleep. Over the last week, I've easily slept 12-14 hours. I get a good night's sleep, sleep for several hours when I get home and then have another nap before going to bed. And it's wonderful. Peter is spectacular. He makes breakfast and dinner, cleans up, and then cuddles or gets me upstairs to bed. Who could ask for better? He's so good to me- to us.
Last night, we cuddled on the air matress in the living room floor that he blew up so I could relax when I get home. Our living room is a mess, but, honestly, I don't care! Laying down is so nice! He has sheets and blankets all set up, so all I have to do is curl up underneath! I know he's tired after a long day, too, but usually the first thing he does is get me a tall glass of water. Then, he asks if I'm hungry and, if I am, he makes a snack. Only then, does he relax. And, as the night wears on, if I'm awake, he'll ask what I want for dinner but otherwise, he just cooks and wakes me. And it's always delicious. Last night, he whipped together some vegan pepper "steak", a baked potato, and some creamed corn. He offered to make me a salad, but I was stuffed after my plate, so I didn't eat my greens (bad girl!). I love him so much. He's so wonderful and caring.
So, one of my staff has alluded to her resignation. I expect it formally on Monday. She plans to leave the same week that I would be leaving. I feel so sad for my library. It's going to be a rough summer. I don't feel that I have other options, though; our family is the most important thing. I'm still not sure how to break it to my boss. I think what I'll say will be along the lines of "Peter and I are expecting again (and our first ultrasound showed X babies). Because I'll need cervical surgery and a fair amount of bedrest, we feel that it is best if I give my notice. My last day will be in 4 weeks." I know that she'll want to discuss it more, and I'm sure we will. I want to thank the library system for working with me and my bedrest in my previous pregnancies, and with my bereavement time afterwards. They've been VERY generous to me. It's actually one of the reasons I'm leaving. I don't want to put the library through months of bedrest and modified duty, only to leave at the end. And, honestly, after losing 3 babies plus losing my miscarried babies, I can't imagine going back to work. Financially, it will be rough, but we'll sacrifice and survive. Better that sacrifice, then losing the time with our children. You never know how long you have. I dont want to wish that we'd done things differently all for a paycheck. Perhaps one day, I will come back to work. We'd love to homeschool, but if we decide to do parochial school instead, I'm sure I will look back to the library world. It is my background and what I've done for the last 12 years. I can't imagine doing something different. I hope that I've left my library much better than I found it and that, regardless of whether I come back in 5 years or 15 years, that it will do me well in finding library work again.
I honestly dont know how she will handle it. Truly, I want to do what is good for the library. It has a piece of my heart. And I feel like leaving and letting someone else take the reigns is what is best. She has said that I've changed since having our kids, and she's right. I am different. Better that I leave while I can still fake a (mostly) positive attitude and for a good reason, than I become one of those nasty, old librarians that we all joke about. I think that, assuming I am sharing with her another staff resigntaion on the same day (which I'm 99% sure I will be doing), she's going to be hit hard and have a bad taste in her mouth. I am trying to come up with a plan that will work for the library, staffing wise, and plan on having a preliminary talk with one of my staff members tonight. Off the record, of course, but it will give me an idea of what we are dealing with.
The last few days have been rough for my BF. Please keep her in your thoughts. She is in the beginning of a divorce that she doesn't want and that could get nasty. If you could say a few prayers for her, I'd appreciate it and I know she would be too. We're trying to be supportive and just give her what we can, but emotionally, this is so trying for her. And it hurts. As I'm sure we can all imagine.
I've been thinking about the kids alot recently. I see their names all the time. Nicholas on the back of a truck... Sophia on some of the leaves at church (a special project where people write down names on leaves and pray for the unknown babies)... Alexander on several book reviews. I smile each time, but it also brings that sadness of knowing that I can't just go home and hold them. Sometimes, I just curl up with their box, wrapped in their blankets, and focus all my energy on holding them again. Other times, I just close my eyes and try to remember their smells, all the while telling myself that they are upstairs sleeping, the thought of their deaths simply too much to bear. If one more person insinuates that another pregnancy takes your sorrow away, I'd like to throw something at them. I've been tempted to say, "If your husband/child died, could you so easily replace them with another? No? Then please dont insinutate that my babies, because they died either very young or through miscarriage in the womb, are so easily replaced." But I dont. I usually try to say that "each baby is different" and that "I love this pregnancy for who he/her/they are, just like I love my other children for who they were and still are." But it makes me angry and it hurts. Another mom was talking about being hurt at comments from others; I understand that all so well. People don't *mean* to be harsh, but they are. Were we all this dumb before our babies died? God, I hope not. Please forgive me if I ever made a callous comment to a parent that was hurting.
Well, it's time to eat! My other favorite event (after sleeping!)!
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Yesterday was a rough day all around. I worked in the morning, then left to take my dad to a dental appointment. I love my dad. Truly, I do. But he complains a lot about everything. He's had a rough life, but at times, I just cant take it. He has spasmodic torticollis/cervical dystonia, that takes a lot out of him, and I try to make allowances for that. I know he is in pain. But you would think, every day, that he is dying. He smokes and doesn't eat well, which adds to his problems, and I find it very hard to make allowances for that. Anyway, he lived with us for 2 years trying to get back on his feet, and it was a hard time for us. Very hard. I was able to get him a job at the main library, working in the circulation department, and we moved him out on his own. He now works full time and, for the most part, is very self sufficient. But he misses being taken care of. My nana took care of him into adulthood, then he married my mom and she took care of him. Now that they are divorced and he's on his own, I know there are sometimes when he just really, really wishes there was someone else to do things for him. And, because he does financially struggle (who doesn't!) and made some really bad financial decisions, which adds to the struggling, he wants things he cant afford and gets upset that he cant have things he wants or needs (like dentures). Anyway... To the dentist. He hates the dentist, but wont change. It's so stressful to me to hear how he doesnt like them, how he thinks they are cheating him, etc., yet when I say "So change dentists", he ignores it all together. On top of things, he doesn't always listen, so instead of paying $35 yesterday, he paid $70. Now, the girl told him that his insurance didnt pick up all of his last visit and that he would have to cover the difference from his last appointment. Did he hear that? No... So, he was frustrated about that. When I picked up his prescriptions, I took my BP at one of those pharmacy stands and it was through the roof. My heart raced all afternoon.
He lives within walking distance to work (good since he doesn't drive) but is 40 minutes, at least, from me. He gets upset that we dont visit. Even though, I cant stay in his apartment because of the smoke. I invite him to visit, but he doesn't like taking the bus to get to our home. (It's about an hour drive and we usually ask him to take the bus to our home, and then we will take him back.) I know he is lonely, but he doesnt visit and I cant drive 40 minutes each way while working each week to see him. Our Sundays are full of church and he works on Saturdays. Whenever I invite him over, he needs to do X or Y, which I completely understand. But I think living alone and the recent death of his best friend have piled up and made him feel very lonely.
The complaining drives my blood pressure up and makes it very hard for me to deal with him. I have no doubt that a lot of my stress yesterday surrounded that. He would like to stop working, go on disibility (which he tried for and was unable to get), and live nearby, where we would do his errands, etc. for him. This can't happen right now, and I know it is a struggle for him. Financially, we struggle to help our parents, and we do what we can, and I know it is only a matter of time before he asks for the $1000 to buy dentures. Money we don't have to give him. Telling him no, you'd think I was killing his puppy. We grew up poor, mind you.
Sorry for the vent. I plan on calling him again today to see how he is doing and I know that this will be a rough evening. He takes medication that really makes him more like this than he normally is. (When he lived with us for 2 years, he didnt take meds and was much easier to be around, even though it was still so hard to cohabitate. Now, he takes 2 different drugs, and it's a struggle to deal with him. He doesn't see it (and doesn't want to hear it), which makes it worse.
But, enough of my complaining! I do feel better. Things seem to be fine. Thank you for all the prayers and advice. Only 45.5 more hours until our ultrasound!
Monday, April 6, 2009
Update on my freak out
Peter and my girlfriend, Meg, say everything is (probably) fine. Of course they are worried, but they keep pointing to the high hCG, high progesterone, and my raised BBT as signs that things are okay. The rational part of my brain says that I couldnt go from a pregnancy to a miscarriage in a day- right? I'd have days of falling progesterone, which would result in a falling BBT, right? I keep telling myself this to make me feel better. I desperately want to feel better.
As of right now, the crisis is on hold. I'm still a mess. Trying to eat and have my cup of raspberry leaf tea, and countdown the next 63 hours until I can see what the ultrasound has in store...
Having a meltdown
It looks like it did on 13dpo, just a little bit of peach/pink on the toilet paper. But I'm a freaked out mess right now. I feel like I'm going to puke and I know it's nerves. I see Dr. Lee on Thursday and I know that, at this point, there is nothing they can do if things are going downhill. I am trying to think positive, but I am so scared. Is this implantation bleeding revisited? What could it possibly be? For those who temp, is my BBT being the highest it's been on my chart a pretty good sign that things are okay?
Saturday, April 4, 2009
I couldn't help myself!
Okay, so I'm completely addicted to peeing on a stick and seeing a line. I keep trying not to and had convinced myself "no more!!!" and then, last night, Peter (little instigator that he is) says "Why don't you do another pregnancy test? We can see if the line has gotten darker." And so, without further prodding, I ponied up the goods and did my duty. (And, I have to say, I'd just had a bathroom visit an hour prior, so I wasn't expecting a good hCG build up.) But here we are! A very dark line! (and a much better picture that the other ones!)
So, if the 3 bloodtests and 5 HPTs hadn't convinced us, I think we'll take this one as proof.
I'll stop. I promise. I might have to hide them somewhere, but I think enough is enough!
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Foster parenting updates!
We both feel that bringing a child into our home while I am on bedrest wouldnt be an ideal situation (even if CSS said it was okay). What we would prefer is to complete as much of our training as we can and then go on an "inactive" status. We will discuss this in person with our case worker on the 30th. And, by that point, we will have more information.
A Good Man
As you may remember, I called Dr. B. a few days ago, to tell him of our positive pregnancy test and rising betas. He had asked at our last meeting, several months ago, to call him with an update so that we could decide when to meet, do the cerclage, etc. So, I called and left a message with the nurse around lunch time. That evening, my cell phone rings and it is Dr. B., from his private cell phone. (How do I know this, you ask? Because this sweet man, when I was in the hospital with Alexander, gave us his cell phone number to call day or night if we were concerned about our treatement THEN gave it to us again during my time of postpartum preeclampsia, in case I had any more black outs after office hours. Like I said, a good man.) In his typical, laid back voice, he expressed his congratulations and told me how happy he was for us. He laid out, briefly, that he'd like to do the stitch between 11 and 13 weeks, that he felt that would give us the best healing time before things might try to get hairy, and that he really felt like this would help us reach full term. He wanted to make sure that we both had his cell phone number, in case of a problem or question. And then he asked me to call him as soon as we had our u/s with Dr. Lee, to let him know how many "kids" to expect. (One of the things I always found appealing was that he always refered to our twins as "the kids". "Let's see what the kids are up to", he would say before an ultrasound. With Alexander, he used to say "let's see what your little boy is doing.") We parted with me promising to call him.
Fast forward to last night. I had a long day at work and didn't get home until after 10pm. (Who knew the life of a librarian could be so exciting... Ooohh... municipality meetings!) After Nicholas's dinner, which my perfect Peter so lovingly prepared, I picked up the mail and there was a card. It was from Dr. B.! In his doctorish script, he had written a short note, telling me it was nice to hear from me, congratulations, and that he looked forward to seeing us again soon. Then he signed it with his first name. Very laid back. Very friendly.
I wanted to cry. It reminded me of two other handwritten notes I've received from him, after the children died. He wrote these notes of condolence, telling me how sorry he was, how he was thinking of us and our kids. And I remember thinking... Wow... This guy actually sent us notes to say he was sorry. He must really care about his patients.
I remember being sad that there were too many safety risks that were possible with a homebirth with our midwife, after we found out we were carrying twins. She had told me that she knew a doctor who was very friendly towards natural birth and that she trusted, and would I like his name. I took it and made an appointment, and I remember him being so relaxed. He took so much time to just talk and explain things. I never felt rushed or that I was just another number. No matter how busy the office was, he always took a seat and spoke slowly. Every question we had was well answered. He never made us feel dumb for anything we asked and was impressed whenever we brought up medical points of interest. (We researched things before going to appointments, and it helps that Peter is a biologist.) We both just knew that he was our doctor. And with each pregnancy, he has earned more and more respect.
I feel so blessed to have such good doctors. Both Dr. Lee and Dr. Bailey are more than I could ever have hoped for. I've heard so many horror stories of both REs and OBs, and I feel like, somehow, we were able to get the cream of the crop. I dont know why we are so lucky.
One more week until our ultrasound! The research I've done has said that the heartbeat is visible on u/s a minimum of 22 days after ovulation; some sites say you should wait at least 30dpo before an u/s, just to be sure. I will be 26dpo (5w5d) and will be having a transvaginal u/s, which picks up the HB sooner. But, with our previous pregnancies, we haven't seen the heartbeats until six and a half weeks, and I know friends who've not been able to see HBs prior to the middle of the sixth week. So, I'm trying not to hold my breath. But I really, really am hoping! Trying not to stress too much.
Really felt our children a lot this morning. Some days, they are so strong. It was hard to leave the house. I just wanted to cuddle with their blankets, remember their smells and their touches, their little hands moving in mine. It was a happy thought. I want to keep that all day.
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
13dpo hCG 189 prog 60+
16dpo hCG 461 prog 90.6
18dpo hCG 820 prog 83.4
We have our first ultrasound scheduled for Holy Thursday, April 9th, at 9am. While they feel it will be too early to detect any heartbeats (I will be 5w5d, so it is possible, just not probable), we will be able to see just how many bambinos there are. I know that I will be so scared if we dont see the flicker of a heartbeat, but I desperately want to know how many babies I am carrying. And, knowing that it is really early for HBs, I think I can handle the added stress until the following week. In a perfect world, since I have the 15th off, I would try and schedule the follow-up u/s for that day.
So... So far, so good. My hCG usually doubles every 70 or so hours, which is within the normal 48-72 hour window, so an 80% rise in 48 hours is good for me. I'll take it! I'm trying to just relax and not obsess over anything (like the nagging pain in my right side, near my leg- thank goodness I know I ovulated from my left or I'd be a nervous wreck waiting for the u/s or the stress of my job today). It doesn't always work, but I'm trying!