GOAL!!!! We are officially 26 weeks pregnant! My 5 pounds of babies are happily playing and I am so happy to tell you all that Bobby was monitored- without assistance- for the half hour! He popped off here and there (but Maya does too... They like to move.) His heartbeat was mostly steady and sounded normal for the most part. There were bits and pieces of arythmia but what we heard on Tuesday is not there. What we heard on Wednesday with the labored beats was gone. I can count on one hand the number of times his numbers surged, and even the surge was only to the 160s. He was happy beating away in the 130s moving into the 140s and 150s at times, and then, settling back into the crook of my leg and whoohaa with his 130s. The nurse put him on and backed away and he stayed. She watched for a bit then left and he stayed. When she returned and put Maya on the monitor, he stayed. And then, together, they were on the monitor and the lines were (mostly) consistent. He'd move here or there, she'd move here or there. But it was almost like last week. I could not ask for more right now (well, except the whole "full term" thing). It's all I can do not to burst into tears. Thank you all for the prayers that are getting us another day and bringing health to the babies. Whether you are lighting a candle in church or sitting under the moon with your hands raised... Regardless of the name you call the Divine by or even if you call That Which Is by no name at all, we are grateful.
It's been a pretty relaxed day. We now are on what may be our last hospital countdown. 14 days. 2 weeks. Not just the BIG 28w goal but also the going home goal... the baby "un"shower... so many things.
It's hard to think about baby showers, honestly. When we initially discussed them, the days were so far away. There was today, when we were going to leave for TN to have a shower next Saturday... And then the "un"shower for some friends on the 12th... And then the one Peter's mom is throwing on the 26th... While my mom's shower has been postponed until the spring, the other two are still on. What was so long ago are now 2w and 4w away, respectively. People are RSVPed for 2w from now... Peter's mom is mailing out invitations this weekend for her shower... 28w... 30w... Wow... We have somehow gotten to the point that this is around the corner. And I am both thrilled and wordless...
I have tried to look towards these things will excitement and joy (even though I am not the "shower" type... It's why I chose to not have a bridal shower). And I do. The idea of a day where people are just thrilled for the babies and where that is the focus- what parent doesnt love that idea! But then there is the hurt. There was the planned TN shower for Nicholas and Sophia- a month after I first went into labor. I remember Peter calling to cancel my plane ticket and my mother calling people to tell them her first grandchildren had been born and has so soon after died. With Alexander, there was some sort of discussion that we would "plan" a shower after 24w. We never even looked at invitations or anything else. I mean, why tempt fate? Although, fate didnt need the tempting... And now... Bobby and Maya.... Invitations that were made.
(forgive me... I used Paint to take off my MIL's contact cell and email for the RSVP since I didnt feel right leaving it visible...)
Items purchased off a registry... And it all seems like one part of this journey that is normal.
As much as normal is what I've wanted from the start, part of me is afraid to enjoy this. Does that make sense? Everything has been so different... How can I let a regular baby shower in? How can I pretend to all the people who come that things are fine? With the un-shower, thrown by Sarah and attended by a small group of friends that have hung out together for a while, it's different. They know that this is all different. This is a party with baby undertones. It's not a baby shower. But for my MIL's shower... It's the real thing. With baby favors and lots of people and gifts and food and cake... And, dont tell, but I am afraid. I am afraid that it wont be me. That there will be a person who smiles and laughs and plays everything off as fine, who inside is breaking apart because this is what was meant to be almost 2 years ago... Something that was lost. And suddenly, is found.
Please dont misunderstand me. I am thrilled that people are celebrating with us and are happy for us. I am thankful that people are helping us provide for the twins in this way. And I am touched that so many people are actively engaged in helping plan and prepare the baby shower (from what I hear, it is a huge deal among the church ladies :) ) But there is a part of me that aches from this and I wanted to share that. Because, sadly, I know that I am not alone in that. And, if you are reading and in a similar place and are fearful, you are not alone.
As I close, I ask that you say a prayer for another special family. Sarah and David welcomed their beautiful Ezra a year ago, after finding out that their precious son had passed away in his womb home. He is now watching over Sunflower, the baby brother that is currently growing inside his Mommy. Please remember their family and, most of all, Ezra, on his special day today and his birthday tomorrow.