Monday, August 17, 2009

Day 26: T-12

I've got my handy dandy flip chart that Carrie and her daughter made me next to the bed, and am looking at a beautiful "12" right now. Because 12 isn't just the number to 26w. It is the number to when I might be going HOME!

Dr B came in this morning with a big smile on his face (now, I'm sure some of that smile is the post-vacation relaxation). He said that I was the first patient he was coming to see and that he was over the moon with our progress. He's reviewed my ultrasounds and said that they looked great. That we knew my cervix was going to misbehave but the stitch and bedrest are keeping it at bay. He was pleased with my most recent measurements. He even gave me full potty priviledges! I can use the bathroom 100%! It felt so good to get up and go. It's a small walk but my legs appreciated the stretch too versus just going from bed to one step to the pottychair. So, as we discussed "where do we go from here", he said (and I didnt even bring it up), "I think that we can look at you going home in the coming weeks". He wants us here for at least 2 more weeks. He said that viability and health at 26w is a huge jump from 24w, as it relates to twins, and that 28w is even better. Assuming I am stable for the next 2w and my u/s results continue to show more of the same, he said that he would look at sending me home between 26w-28w, still on bedrest, but with bathroom and shower priv's. He still wouldnt want me going to church every week or making any meals for myself. But we can all live with that! He'd want me back weekly for monitoring, which I expected.

Right now, our primary delivery goal has been shifted from 36w to 32w. He still wants 36w. But he said that his concern isn't really cervical since the stitch hasnt torn at all and hasnt let my cervix change below 1cm. His concern is that my water will break. If PROM occurs, they will not try to stop labor at this point, since the cerclage would need to be removed (for risk of infection) and since I have the steroids. (We didnt discuss a rescue dose in the early 30s at this point, although I'm sure it will come up again.) He said that, since the babies are measuring quite a bit ahead in weight and size, he feels that they may trigger labor around 32w. Which wouldnt be horrible and to try not to worry. That 36w is still our big goal and when the stitch would voluntarily come out, but that if we hit 32w, he will consider that a huge success. And, once we hit 28w, he feels 32w will come quickly. And, even better, once 32w comes, it is a 28d countdown until the perfect result. (So, I'm not the only one counting down!)

I am overwhelmed with the good news. And I needed it, a lot, after last night.

During my monitoring, Peter went to get water, etc. and to prepare for the evening. It was late because of how the night worked out, later than normal, and when he came back, he had this look on his face. I assumed that he was thinking about Sophia or Nick and Alex... But, when the nurse left, he said "I think the couple at the end of the hall lost their baby." I asked what he meant, and he said that, since it was way passed visiting hours (it was almost 11pm) and he saw people with suits going in and out, he was concerned and asked the nurse. She said that they were having a rough time. Obviously, they cant tell you personal info and he wasnt shocked by that. Well, I just broke down and cried. I couldnt stop. Just knowing... Oh God... It just hurt so much. Finally, I was able to breathe and he said that he was going to tell the nurses that, if indeed that was the case, and they needed or wanted to talk to another couple who understood, to pass our personal info along. She said that she would give our information if that was the case and, based on Peter's perception, that is, sadly, indeed the case. When he returned, I was a mess again. I just couldnt control myself. I bawled. He just held me and rocked me, and eventually, I feel asleep, but even now, I cant think about this couple whom I've never met, who are grieving and wondering "why" and feeling alone. This couple whom I am too intimately aquainted with because we've been there. It hurts. So much. Even in my happiness over our recent prognosis, I am in agony over theirs. And I cant even walk down the hall to tell them. I cant hug her and tell her that her baby will live forever in her heart. That one day, she will take a breath and, even though it will hurt forever, she will find a way to live so that her child can live on inside of her. To tell him that it is okay to grieve, that he doesnt have to be strong, that crying with her will help them both because they will both realize they arent alone in this. And that hurts too.

I dont know how I would have handled someone coming to me after. After Nicholas, I was in shock and we were just so focused on saving Sophia that we couldnt grieve the way we needed to. I think I wouldnt have called anyone then. After Sophia, I was lost. We both were. And we grieved our twins together, but still felt alone. Because I couldnt handle the idea of verbal communication with anyone really, the blogosphere saved me. The first blog I found, the blog for whom Maya is being named after, was my salvation. She saved me. Her grief, her longing, her honesty... They were what pulled me through and helped me tell Peter we werent alone. That other people, different people with different circumstances from all over the world, they understood. And then, through her blog, I found others. And others. And others found me. And there was help. I think that, at that point, I would have been receptive to another parent contacting me. After Alexander, I think that we were very much together in our pain and there was the already built support blog system, along with our very dear IRL friends who shared the grief and the joys of our children. I would have been open to talking to them, but I think it would have been more to connect and not as a salvation of any sorts. I already knew we werent alone.

Yesterday afternoon, Sarah brought over Sophia's dinner, homemade with love from the depths of her soul. I treasure this woman. She is a sister to me, in every way except genetics (and we all know how little I think of those!). She brought homemade pierogi, made from her grandmother's church in NY, and they were wonderful. But most of all, even though the food was great, it was that she thought to do it, wanted to do it, volunteered to do it, and that it wasnt odd to her in the least to do it. She was happy when she unpacked the goodies and shared them with us. She sang "happy birthday" with us, as we watched a candle flicker over the brownie that Peter had picked up for Sophia's special dessert. She talked about our daughter (and her two brothers). She still grieves them, too, and I am grateful that she remembers. That she always will. That she loves them, too, and never shys away from bringing them up in conversation or letting their names flow from her lips or telling me "I saw/heard X and thought of Y today." I know she reads this sometimes, and if she catches this post, then I want her to know how much all that means to me. And to Peter too.

Sometimes people can only talk about how great the pregnancy is and they dont mention the children we have. I understand that they dont always fit into whatever conversations we are having. But, both in real life and in the virtual world, we are blessed by people who remember. There are too many to name, but I do think of you and thank each one of you for remembering with us.


Anonymous said...

I am so glad to hear that your doctor is planning for you to go home soon. Woohoo! And thanks for the nice note on my last post. The idea of helping along the IUI makes great sense to me and is something that will make me feel less like an inseminated cow.

Lynda said...

Wow!! What a miracle!!! I've been thinking about you tons and praying for those little ones. You are doing amazing!!

bankshot said...

awww.. this brought tears to my eyes... the progress you are making with your lil ones on board, the Dr.'s great prognosis, the possible loss not that far away, the celebration of all your other precious children... the dear friends you have made and the support you can be for others to let them know they are not alone in this, just as you are not alone either... !! All I can say is WOW!! and happy b-day a bit belated to lil Sophia! God bless! ~Michelle

Ms. J said...

You are such a strong and empathetic woman, same with your husband.

I am so pleased with your much-needed good report!

Michelle said...

The possibility of coming home? That must feel so GREAT!!! I hope that gets to happen. I am so happy for you!

You have such a big heart and it was nice of your husband to that couple if they needed your help. I feel so bad for them...for anyone who has to go through that heart just breaks! I will keep them in my prayers and you so thathopefully you can go home!!

Bluebird said...

My heart breaks everytime someone new is added to this horrible club.


Congratulations on your wonderful progress. Wow - coming home?! So exciting.

Catherine W said...

Oh that is such lovely news. I hope that you will be allowed to go home.

And I am so terribly, terribly sorry for the couple down the hall from you. As J was in the NICU for so long, I saw so many other couples lose their babies and it broke my heart every single time.

I think what Maya's beautiful blog was to you, your blog was to me. It was one of the first ones I found. xo

Sprogblogger said...

Oh wonderful news that you might get to do the rest of your bedrest at home. Just think - being able to sleep through the night! Thinking of you, and keeping your family in my heart.

Terri Jones said...

I thought of Sophie yesterday. Every now & then I sit & try to recall their birthdates- so I wont forget. Their stories remind everyone to appreciate those they love while they are here. Love Always, T

Kate said...

What great news that you are doing so well the doctor will let you bed rest from home.

What sad news for the couple down the hall. I dont know them either but my heart breaks that there is someone in this world today grieving for a lost child. I will keep them in my prayers.

Amanda said...

It breaks my heart to hear of another member joining this "club" no one should ever join. So sad...

Wonderful news about you and the twins though. You hang in there, your doing great!!!

(((HUGS))) to the family that has lost their little one too soon!! :(

The Swann's said...

I could not get thru this without tears. So many blessings. Both here living inside your womb and within your heart.

I am so very pleased to hear such a positive report! 36 weeks will be here oh too quickly! I'll certainly continue praying for you guys!

May said...

Fabulous news for you!! I hope things work out exactly as you and your doc hope.

I remember being on the other side of the curtain in a double room when my peri gave a 24-week mother the same talk about the statistics associated with delivery at that gestational age that he'd given me when I was admitted. Except, at the end, instead of "which is why it's so important that we keep you pregnant" (which he'd said to me), he ended with "but we have no choice but to deliver today despite these risks."

It's terrible to see your worst fears realized by those nearby.

Kate said...

SO so glad for your wonderful news, your T-12, your wonderful ongoing pregnancy! Three cheers, really and truly, I am so pleased for you!

And oh, the heartbreak for the couple down the hall- Peter's radar was right on, and I am so so sorry. It is hard because you *know* like very few others can. And to touch upon it again must be heartbreaking for you two too.

Holding you in my heart always, for your strength and bravery, your resilience, but also for your empathy and deep capacity for love. As you share so much with all of us, those who you do not even know in real life, I hope you allow yourself to take it in as well.

Warmly, truly,

Shinejil said...

Great news, and belated congrats on making it to 24 w!!!

I hope you get to go home soon and that the good news keeps coming.

Mommy (You can call me OM) said...

I just love coming here and reading the good updates. :) You are in my thoughts and prayers every day.

I am so sorry about the mom down the hall from you. You are incredibly selfless to think about her feelings so much. I don't know if you were already the caring person you are today or if Alexander, Sophia, and Nicholas nudged you in that direction. No matter the reason, I am grateful for you, Michele.

Peace, my friend.

Molly said...

I found your blog a few weeks ago and have been following your updates each day and have prayed for you and Peter and your precious Bobby & Maya. You a such a dear, sweet person. I wish you the greatest happiness and blessings to your precious family.

Tanika said...

I am so happy to hear your good news.I pray that things continue to go amazingly well. I know that you will be happy to be at home

Leah said...

I'm so glad that you are doing well and I pray you will make it a few more weeks. Minimum! :-D

I'm sad for the people down the hall from you that lost their baby. It must be hard for you to see that as well, knowing what they are feeling.

Thinking of you.

Donna said...

The thought of a baby shower is almost to normal isn't it? I'm so glad you get to have not only one - but two!!! A t-shirt and comfy pants is the perfect attire!

So glad you are still getting good reports. I remember how scary talking to the neonatologists was. But I really hope that for the time being all you need to do is talk to them.