I've been chatting, in person and via email, with a close friend of mine. Like us, she and her husband endured painful losses before having their miracle daughter and, like us, they've had loss afterwards, too. They married, had 2 miscarriages (one took her tube with it), and then had their sweetheart. (And, like me, her birth experience wasn't what she'd hoped it would be and, after a day of induced labor at 42 weeks pregnant, she ended up with a c-section.) When they decided to try again, they had a few months of infertility before a happy positive that ended very shortly afterwards. In addition to losing her fourth pregnancy, she also lost her surviving tube. They've made the decision to not seek out ARTs and have concluded their childbearing. Just typing that, my heart breaks for them because I know how much she longed for each and every one of those pregnancies- how they both did- and how each one took a piece of her heart with them. It hurts because those feelings are ones I'm intimately acquainted with.
As you can imagine, years of pregnancies and TTC has done a number to her waistline, something else I'm quite familiar with. Many of our conversations in recent days have centered on weight and how our weights impact our self image and self esteem, how it's hard to lose weight, and things of the like. And, from our conversation today, this blog post was born.
She asked me how I find the will power to do it and to keep on.
It's a funny question (to me at least) and one I've been asked a lot. Most people who know me IRL know that I'm pretty flaky when it comes to will power. I mean, I want to do well... I really do... But it usually only lasts a few weeks (at the most!) and then my old free spirit takes hold and I'm fluttering around to something else. So, seeing as I've actually been at this since October and (gasp) seem to be following through, it is a valid question. I had to think about it a while before I responded.
There's no denying that seeing the picture of me at the September wedding was an eye opener. I really had no idea that I was that heavy. And it shocked me. A lot. But, let's be honest, shock value has very little with keeping me on track with something. I was upset and wanted, desperately, to lose weight. But it was because I didnt want to look like the woman in that picture! Sometime between when I saw that picture and when I decided to make a serious change ( a matter of days), I noticed that Bobby and Maya watched me during meals. We all eat together, so this isn't such a surprise, but then it hit me. They are looking to me as an example for how to eat. And what an example I was. Plates heaping with food... second helpings... eating when I wasn't even hungry. And then, the biggest slap in the face: the whining about how overweight- how obese- I was and how I wanted to change but it was the PCOS and the Hashimoto's (all the while shoving a cookie in my mouth and washing it down with a Coca Cola). Nice example.