Monday, March 14, 2011

Asking For Help

You'd think that I'd be a pro at asking for help by now.  I mean, in the really important things of my adulthood (like getting pregnant and then staying that way) I had to ask for help.  Most people can do that on their own (or at least with another person for the first one!).  But not me... I had to ask for help.  And, although it was embarrassing and made me feel like I was a failure because *I* couldnt do it, it is that help that brought me my miracles.

When I cant do something (like reach the top shelf), I ask for help.  It doesnt make me feel like a worthless wife if I cant reach the papertowels in the laundry room (even though, funny enough, I'm the one who sticks them on that shelf!).  I ask for help and move on.

But somethings... Some things are so much harder to ask for help with.  And I'm drawn back to going to Dr. Lee for the first time or going to Dr. Bailey for the cerclage.  Those were asking for help... Help to get pregnant... Help to save our babies...

Although not nearly as life threatening or dramatic as pregnancy and delivery, I'm asking for help of a different sort.  I'm meeting a personal trainer at the gym at 8pm tonight, after the kids go to bed.  And I'm nervous.

On my own, I've dropped from a size 20 to a size 10.  I just ordered new tata-holders that are not my original 44DD but are now a 38D.  My XL and XXL shirts have been replaced by (mostly) mediums.  I'm not 240 pounds; I'm 181.5 pounds as of this morning.  And I've done this.  Me (with LOTS of support!!)

But I have some issues and, whether it is that I dont want to address them or I simply dont know how, I'm at the point where I know it is time to ask for help.  I'm calling them my TAB issues: Thighs, Arms, & Belly.  The underside of my arms look like some sort of batwings and my upper thighs still rub together and aren't toned.  My belly?  I'm scared of it!  Although it has shrunk to the point that I can see my c/s scar, it is pretty darn flabby.  I remember Kate (of John & Kate Plus 8) making the statement that they referred to her belly (pre-tummy tuck) as "the butt in front".  I'm not that bad, but it definitely is some skin with a lack of elasticity.  I dont need a tummy tuck (although wouldnt that be fun... another surgery!  I'm sarcastic, of course!) but I do need some help figuring out how to work these parts of my body out effectively.

The problem is that I dont really like strength training.  I love running, no, I really LOVE it.  It's great.  Awesome!  I like biking and swimming a lot, too, so my cardio is really down pat.  But, shy of yoga (which I adore and would do classes more except they interfere with getting the kids and Peter dinner...), I dont like strength training.  Lifting weights?  Sit ups?  Presses?  Blah, Yawn, Ugh.  Not me.  Dont like it.  But I know I need to do it.  So then my excuse becomes time.  I already spend an hour doing my cardio... I dont want another half hour on top of that!  And, when the kids nap, I clean and do my schoolwork for my doula and CBE courses.  So...  Visiting a personal trainer (named Rob- I think the Universe thinks I need more men/boys named Robert in my life...)... My way of trying to figure this out... To ask for help.

I've decided to tell him about my TAB issue and that I need some quick (10 minute or so) routines that I can break up throughout the day (10 minutes here, 10 minutes there).  Things that I can do with the kids around or when they are napping.  Things I can do at the gym when I am there for the pool/bike/treadmill/elliptical anyway.

It sounds so easy.

But I'm so terribly embarrassed of myself.  Embarrassed of how my TAB areas look... Embarrassed that, when he asks for my history, which he will (I tried PTing a few years ago, pre-kids, and it was great, but embarrassing and, because I wasnt "there" emotionally with my eating/exercising, it didnt help me as much as it could have), I'll have to tell him the truth.  That I was 251 pounds at my heaviest and 240 pounds for the majority of the last few years...  That I have a weight problem.  That I'm an emotional eater.

I'll tell him, too, that I (for the most part) have things under control.  That I have learned enough about myself to be able to control the desire to eat because I'm sad/etc.  That I have made a change to my lifestyle and the reward I have is an almost 60 pound decrease.  That I'm 2/3 of the way to my goal weight.  That I may be overweight but I'm not obese, and I'm happy about that.  That I love my cardio routines and dont plan on changing that (a lot of the PTs want to sculpt your strength and cardio plans- NO THANKS!  I love my current cardio schedule!)

I need a firm hand with a jovial personality.  I dont want to be yelled at.  I need someone who is straight with me and pushes me, but also knows when a joke is what I need to get me through the rest of the set.  Will Rob be the guy to help me out?  We'll see.

My plan is to pay for 4 sessions and to see him once a month through June (which is my personal goal for hitting 150, but it's just a goal!  No stress about numbers on the scale!).  I'll let you know how it goes...


MrsSpock said...

We have a women's only Adventure Boot Camp in my area that meets from 530-630 Mon-Fri. I plan on starting it in July. It's like group personal training with women of all shapes and sizes. A friend has been doing it for 6 months and looks fantastic.

Anonymous said...

I hope Rob turns out to be the personal trainer of your dreams. I've never used one, but I've had friends who ARE personal trainers, and without fail, the clients they enjoy the most are the ones who were very overweight. Good trainers have nothing but respect for people who are into making their lives better - if anything, he'll probably respect you MORE, not less, so take heart and have a blast. IT would be great if he could help you find a routine that works for you.

And, I have to tell you that although I've gotten off to a much slower start than I'd hoped, your story CONTINUES to inspire me each day. I was holding a Cadbury egg (from the gigantic 48-ct. box my husband bought. Who DOES that?) and telling myself that surely that small amount of chocolate wouldn't hurt myself or aggravate the baby. And I thought of you. And of how successfully you've managed and written about your own struggles with food, and I put down the egg.

So whether or not that trainer thinks you're awesome (and I really think he will!) I certainly do. Thank you.


I'm so proud of you. :)

Jenn said...

Seriously, everything you said right then in your post is so inspiring to me! I think the fact that you know who you are, and know what you need to work on is amazing. You've shown you care, and you have initative by all that you've accomplished so far. That's what trainers do- they help you reach the goals you need help with. I know for the guys going into special forces (my hsuband is an AF recruiter), they have a trainer that teaches them what they need to do compleate the 'pass test', which muscles they need to strengthen so they can swim the 500m, etc. I hope that you're sesson goes wonderfully and that he can help you find your short workouts!

Anonymous said...

youll do great .. dont worry. personal trainers are use to workig with people who have no motivation .. and you obviously have motivation! Look at all that you have accomplished on your own! They will be able to get you into some womderful strength training and soon, you will be dropping more weight and toning up :)

just be prepared to be a tad sore for a while.. but remember that its all worth it :)

good luck!! youll do great!!

Terri Jones said...

I would love to go to PT...but i'd also have to go to the gym. I havent had the time to add exercise back in my life lately. But I will. You should definately see results. I think you'll be pleased.