I used to love going out to dinner with my friends. It didnt matter which circles of friends or where we'd go to eat. Since I loved to eat and loved to drink and loved to chat, dinner with friends was a perfect fit!
But, seeing as I am an emotional overeater, it is also a "social trigger" for me to eat more and to not always eat well. As Peter and I go out on dates, I've been thinking in advance (with some room for the specials at our favorite restaurants of course!), just so I'm not caught completely off guard, and have some sort of "game plan" to avoid overeating (or making poor choices).
Tonight, a group of us girls were getting together. They are good friends, but no one is all that caught in my inner psyche (okay, that's probably not true... one of the ladies knows me pretty well), and I'm sure none of them know that I scoured the menu before hand to learn the calories of the different choices so that I could make some good choices based on the food I'd eaten the rest of today. That part was okay. I had a game plan. I knew what I was going to eat (and not going to eat). I treated myself to a Guinness and found that I was actually full by the time I ate half of my entrée. It actually wasn't the food that was so hard for me to stomach.
It was the comments.
I am terribly self conscious. Terribly so.
I thought that, when I lost weight, I'd be ready to flaunt my newfound thinness is a strappy bikini. But no. Part of it stems from the fact that, when I look in the mirror, I just see...well, me. Same old me. I dont see the nearly 60 pounds that have faded away over 5 months. Just me. Part of it is this intense feeling of embarrassment of how heavy I had let myself become without really knowing it. (Or possibly living in a world of self-denial).
While the kids napped today, Peter and I talked about it (he had a second day off work because he was still sick and because I woke up not feeling so well... If anyone saw last night's FB update it involved Bobby and puke... Not a fun time.). I confessed how, on Sunday, when half a dozen people- including 2 that I didn't even know!- came up to me to comment on how great I looked and how much weight I had lost, that I felt extremely embarrassed and uncomfortable. How it brings me to the verge of tears. How I thought I'd be psyched and want to tell everyone how I'd done it and how great I felt. Instead, I find myself shying up and, when pressed for details, giving smartass comments (for example, "how much have you lost?", "oh, a couple of kids." I know... That's terrible.) And then, I feel bad, so I feel obligated to follow it up with a real answer. But, by then, I'm really embarrassed and, since I've given a second statement, that usually leads to a conversation and, you guessed it, me being more uncomfortable.
As I talked to Peter, he hit the nail on the head. "When you look in the mirror, you see the same person because "you" havent changed. You've never defined yourself by your weight, and it makes you feel shallow when other people do." He's right. So right. I thought that attaining some sort of thinness that I'd grab some vanity and self-confidence (for those who havent realized it, I fake a lot of the S-C... Deep down, I'm not the person that most people see... It's an overcompensation for how I really feel.) But, instead, I've found out that I still feel like me... Because that's who I am. And, when attention is drawn to my weight, I feel completely and utterly overwhelmed and the fact that I was obese is straight in my mind and I cant hide from that fact.
The worst part is that I realize no one means anything by it. They are compliments. They are curious. They want advice in some cases. It's my own mental issue that makes it into something it isnt. It is something I'd working on, but damn, is it hard!
My Easter clothes arrived today. When I saw the UPS truck drive by our house, I was like a five year old on Christmas. In my PJs (and sans bra) I ran outside to get my packages (Neighbors: I am SO sorry for that.) I had those boots on in an instant (with some sexy Life Is Good pajamas- get that mental image!) and made poor Peter text a picture to Sarah. Then, the dress.
The dress is actually loser than I thought it would be. Which surprised me. The boots... yeah... they are tight. People didnt lie about that! And the heel... That is something I'm no longer used to. But I wore them out today so that I could get used to them, and wore them to dinner tonight (and didnt even fall!). It was pretty awesome. I always wanted a pair of over-the-knee boots and, to finally have a pair... That was pretty amazing. And the look on Peter's face wasn't half bad either.
Oh? You want to see? :) Here's a candid he snapped while Maya and I stole a quick moment today.