Tuesday, March 10, 2009


The stress is really catching up to me today and I am finding it really hard to do anything other than cry. Where to begin? Is there really any starting place other than that my life isn't what it is supposed to be? I want to live in the past because it is the time that I was happy. It's so hard to pretend to be "fine" when I'm not. Inside, I'm just not. And because I can't even take the time to heal and make myself somewhat better, I'm not getting any better.

My best friend is getting divorced. These are Nicholas and Sophia's godparents, and it really kills me that this is happening with them. She is torn up over this and wants nothing more than to save her marriage but it seems this isn't reciprocated. I dont know what her husband is thinking. Please pray for them. They went to counseling, but he has quit. He doesn't want to work on things any longer. This is such a blow to her and she desperately needs your prayers. I know that she will survive and so does she, but all of us survivors know that you are never the person you were before you were destroyed and had to dig your way out.

The CSS meetings seem to be a bust. We had our "medical" class last night. In our initial interview, we were told that we would be required to take our foster children to their primary doctor of record for their first visit (which would be in Philadelphia, which could be anywhere from 45 minutes to an hour and a half away in traffic, not counting BAD traffic or the neighborhoods we might have to go into). After that first visit, we were told that we could change their doctor to a local pediatrician. While neither of us were thrilled with going into a possibly not-so-great neighborhood, we were okay with this. After all, we'd change their doctor to one near us and go from there. Apparently not! The nurse who runs the medical portion of CSS basically said that very few transfers are approved by DHS (the City department that handles placing foster children) and that, in the rare instance one is approved, it takes several months. Depending on the age of the child, they need a visit every 6 weeks! Not to mention if they get hurt! Especially if I am on bed rest for any period of time, I can't see how this would happen. And with a baby on top of it? We were okay with all of the restrictions and stipulations (and believe me, there are a lot of them that make absolutely NO sense) but this has really bothered us. Most of these kids come from bad neighborhoods. Part of what helps them is getting them out of those places. Honestly, there are parts of Philadelphia that you couldn't pay me to go into. I've emailed our social worker for clarification because neither of us wants to throw in the towel over a misunderstanding. But assuming the nurse was right, then Peter thinks that we should look into an agency in our county. (Catholic Social Services primarily serves Philadelphia county; they are on the lists for the 5 county area, including ours, but because they are located in Philadelphia, they are the last to receive placements from the other 4 counties.) I'm saddened by the prospect of starting this process all over again with a new agency, but it looks like that might be the option available to us. I have the cards to 2 local agencies. I'll wait until I hear back from our social worker to contact them, but my fear is that the nurse was right. Sadness...

I see Dr. Lee tomorrow morning. My guess is that, if my LH hasn't started to rise, she will have me do a Gonal F injection tomorrow with my trigger on Thursday night. But, if my LH has started moving or if my 2 follicles are "juicy" as one of my blog friends calls them, she will probably have me trigger tomorrow night. With Nicholas and Sophia, we triggered at 18mm and 17mm. I figure if they are in that range, tomorrow will be it. But we shall see. My nerves surrounding this cycle are on high alert. I'm trying not to worry about it. I can't really do much about any of this. We're doing our parts.

I really need to de-stress. I've been having panic attacks in recent days. Work has me so on edge and it is leaking into our home life (what little life we do have these days). I bought a book on trying to deal with stress, but cant even crack it open. When I'm home, all I want to do is sleep because I'm so tired. I cry all the time and try to hide it from Peter. I know seeing me this way hurts him, too. Sometimes crying is the only thing that "relaxes" me for a moment. It's like I'm completely full and it is either blow up at someone or burst into tears. I find a lot of my crying takes place in the bathroom at work with the water running or in the car or at home, when Peter is playing a video game and I can do it without being heard. That, in addition to the panic attacks, is so exhausting. I'm just so tired all the time.

It's not grief that drives me to these things, it's stress. If it were my grief, it would be one thing. I might actually embrace that. But the fact that my stress is what is doing it just makes me more angry... which leads to panic attacks and tears. It's a nasty little cycle.

I desperately want to de-stress. I am fearful of another pregnancy (heck, of even attempting another pregnancy) and being under all this stress. Stress not only impacts a developing baby, but it can also screw around with fertilization and implantation. I feel like that is what really did a number the last night, and I dont want to feel that way again.

I'll end with my superstition of the week. Last week, when Dr. Lee saw the follicle developing on the right sad, I was crestfallen. My right eggs have all been problems: my miscarriage in May/June 2008 was a right follicle and both my missed cycles were rights. I actually injected myself to the left of center once she told me. Well, after yesterday's appointment, I felt really guilty and asked her if that had anything to do with the left side developing and the right side not. She laughed and patted my shoulder, explaining it was just a coincidence. Is it really lame that I felt better seeing the follicles on the left side? That I felt like it was a sign?


Cara said...

Hey - grab onto whatever you can and, yes - destressing would be a good place to begin.

praying for you sweetie

Mommy (You can call me OM) said...

Michele, I am so sorry you are feeling so much stress on top of everything else. I don't recall if you are seeing a therapist or attending a support group. I'm worried that you might have something more than grief. Perhaps clinical depression or PTSD? I know my tendency is to assume nothing can be done because nobody can fix the problem by simply giving me my baby. But, I really think you need some more support. Please email me if you want to talk.

Anonymous said...

There is so much I want to say to you. So much advice I want to offer. But I don't think that's what you need right now. So I'll pray for you today. Courage my friend, for this will pass. xxxx

nikki wood said...

You are in my prayers Michele.

On a happy note Nadine got her card and was thrilled! You will be getting a card from her soon :)

Phoebe said...

I can only imagine the trauma you have been through. I've been having panic attacks too as we are moving towards the real possibility of getting pregnant again. I wish for you the best!

Donna said...

Michele - I'm sorry you are so stressed right now. I'm thinking about you.

Lean on your husband for support. Let him be there to hold you up when you feel like you can't do it yourself. You are partners in joy and in sorrow.

I hope that this cycle is a good one for you. I will keep my fingers crossed and my hopes up for you. You deserve some good news and some relief.

Anonymous said...

Hi Michele, I'm just catching up with the past couple days of your blog. I'm sorry things are so stressful right now, everything you are going through is so hard and you are dealing with multiple things at once: grieving, having a job you don't enjoy, stimming, worrying about getting pregnant and not getting pregnant, and the CSS things. Any one of these things alone is enough to cause stress but you have to deal with them all. I'm here for you!

I don't think it is lame to hope for the follicles on the left - they have proven to be adept at making babies and that is what you want. I wouldn't even think it was weird if you sang that left ovary a song every night to encourage those follies to grow. :-)