Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Because enough is never enough

To show just how checked out of work I already am, I didn't bother to write down a meeting I had this morning. Always fun... To back up, last night, I had 2 township meetings to beg for money for the library. By the time I got home, it was nearly 9pm. Sweetie pie that he is, Peter made lentil soup for dinner (and I was starved!). But we went to bed soon after, so I didnt really think much of today.

This morning, we got up and got ready for church (we've been going to the 7am Mass that our church offers for Lent) and suddenly it hit me: was the Career Fair at the local high school today? I checked my calendar but I couldn't find it listed- anywhere. Before I started to panic, I ran upstairs and logged into my computer. And, sure enough, March 4th at 7:30am, I'm due at the high school. To make a long story short, Peter ended up leaving for church alone and I drove to the library to try and pull stuff together for my table. It was a long morning and I didn't bring lunch, so, as I write this, I'm snacking on a luna bar and some brazil nuts, and counting down the next 2 hours so that I can go home and make some lunch!

When I logged into my email this morning, I had a message from my girlfriend. Her husband of 7+ years wants a divorce and she is devastated. I'm actually meeting her at my house around 3pm to talk. She's so upset and was caught off guard. A month ago, they started counseling and she really thought it was helping. This wasn't something she expected and, frankly, neither did Peter and I. We expected they would be in therapy at least a year or so and would then decide to keep working or to quit. There are a lot of other issues surrounding them, but needless to say, something feels wrong.

Tonight, we have our first "parenting class" with Catholic Social Services. This is the next stage in the foster child process. We filled out our "formal application" and have applied for our first of three background checks (CSS will complete another one and then we will have our FBI fingerprint background check taken care of). For the next three and a half weeks, we will be spend two nights a week at the Archdiocese having different training courses. Tonight is "child discipline".

And now... for what's really been on my mind...

Infertility and infanticide have taken every aspect of normalcy in pregnancy away from me. I can't get pregnant like regular people nor can I be pregnant like a normal woman. As much as I'd like to rant about how unfair it is or scream off a mountaintop at God to make me, for one second, completely normal, I'm trying desperately to make the best of the situation. I fail at this all the time, but I really want to try. I need something- anything- to be normal. I'm so tired of looking at the woman in the mirror who injects herself with fertility drugs... It's hard to make the 45 minute drive with Peter several times over 2 weeks for ultrasounds and bloodwork and IUI... And then the 2 week wait, filled with blood tests that offer false hopes in the chance that on 14dpo (days post ovulation), the words "positive" and a high figure will be yours... And even then, it's more that separates you from the "regular" pregnant women: there's the battery of blood tests and then the ultrasound at 6w to check for a heartbeat followed by the first of your high risk appointments. By the time most women are just learning they are pregnant, I've already had a dozen blood lettings, at least 3 post-pregnancy ultrasounds, and have appointments scheduled for every two weeks and, going forward, for my hospital stay with the cerclage. There's nothing normal about pregnancy for me and, dammit, I'm tired of that! I want something- anything- that feels normal...

So, I've decided to chart BBT (basal body temperature). That seems like something that "normal" women who are trying to get pregnant do. At least, I've heard "normal" women talk about it. So, for this cycle, I've been taking my temperature before getting out of bed. Last night, I went to Fertility Friend (the site that message board people have talked about) and created an account. I've logged BBT, AF, and those fun symptoms we all love so much and it created a happy little chart for this cycle.

But, because even my attempt at normalcy can't be normal, my BBT is low! I always knew that 98.6 was a low grade fever for me, but I didn't realize just how freaking low my temperature is. 96.6 seems to be the average, but it has dipped to 96.3 on 2 days and, this morning, it was 96.1! I mean, what gives!!! I kind of thought my BBT was supposed to be the same during AF and then spike at ovulation and stay high if you are pregnant. I didn't expect the dipping.

I guess on a good note, the blood work will confirm ovulation so I will be able to see if keeping a chart like this is worthwhile. I kind of hope so. I realize that, in the grand scheme of things, this is really a tiny thing, but I want something that is regular. Even if it is just between me, the thermometer, and the computer.

On a funny note, as I'm typing in my temp from yesterday morning into the software last night, I say to Peter, offhandedly, "My BBT was 96.3 today, which falls into the low category. Is that weird." To which he responds, "Yes." Thank you, honey. I appreciate knowing that truly, I am weird. And I haven't even started checking mucus or cervical position yet. One "normal" thing at a time...


A n T said...

I've been a member of FF for over 4 years now. Its a cool site with lots of good boards to chat with people on. (((hugs))) rough day yesterday and today.

k@lakly said...

I wish you could get your easy and normal too. i never had the patience to do the temping thing but then again getting pg wasn't an issue for me as much as staying pg was....ugh.
Thinking of you.

nikki wood said...

Even though I dont have fertility problems, I do know the feeling of not being able to just be a normal pregnant woman. I too am high risk (1 miscarriage, 1 premature baby who died at 22 weeks, and now David) I can never just go through a pregnancy normal. And it sucks! I want to be able to be one of those woman who can just go out and buy baby things and not worry my baby will die and never see them :( I want to just go to the doctor be told everything is ok, and go home...if you haven't been through it you can't understand. I know how you feel.

Anonymous said...

I know what you mean about wanting to feel "normal". I wish it were that easy, I cant help with the chart things, we just skipped right over all of that :)
BTW-I nominated you for an award.