Wednesday, March 18, 2009


Have I mentioned how tired I am??? No? I'm tired. Really tired. I will take this as a good sign. Or, just a sign that I need more sleep! It's so funny. I sleep all the time. I fall out on the couch, I sleep through the night, and yet, every day, I am still tired, all the %&$* time. It's my body telling me to take a break. This much I know.

Today was the first day that I felt "Perhaps this cycle worked..." I woke up this morning with some strange dreams. Usually I have (extremely embarrassing) dreams of certain actors (Daniel Craig, anyone? Matt Damon?). Embarrassing to the point that I blush when telling Peter! Not so last night. I dreamed about a concert with one of our cantors and Andrea Bocelli, and then about Peter trying to catch a rabid cat! Insane! But so vivid. I woke up around 5:15am, and felt fine. Laid back down and fell asleep until 6am. Was okay, then suddenly felt sick to my stomach. (I had a work meeting last night, so this could very well have been residual stress from some of the discussions, but I'm counting it as a symptom until AF tells me otherwise--- AF "Aunt Flo" aka period). I actually laid with my head off the bed, over a waste basket, until I finally laid down and went back to sleep. Peter went to Mass without me and then, sweetie that he is, brought me a croissant from the local bakery for breakfast. By 8am, I was up and in the shower. While I would have loved to hang out in bed all day, I got dressed and went to work.

I have had pains in my lower abdomen all day. They've gotten worse over the last 2 hours. I don't know how to describe it. They aren't really cramps. It's more like actual pain near my ovaries at times, but mostly below my belly button. In my head, I keep thinking it is cervical pain. It hurts to sit, stand, walk- you name it. I went to lunch with my mother-in-law and scooting across the booth seat was an exercise in pain managment. I dont remember feeling intense pains like these in any prior pregnancy, but I'm trying to think positve. Implantation doesn't occur until at least 6dpo, so we are still 2 days out... Perhaps it is my cervix closing... I don't know. I don't actually check my cervix (I mean, I do a lot of things, but I can't even imagine HOW I would go about checking and monitoring my cervix.) T-41 hours to my progesterone test... T-9 days to my hCG test...

I'm actually starting to feel some peace about my job (I know, Gasp!). Peter and I discussed it and I think that knowing we will survive without me working has given me a different peace. We looked over our expenses and income, and this could work. It means cutting out things (like reproductive therapy) which I'm not too sure of. But, something has to give, and since the stress isn't helping anything, I can't see that working and treatment is better than not working and putting treatment on hold indefinitely. On my work calendar, I actually have written numbers on each week. (On the 15th, I have a 15; on the 22nd, I have a 14; and so on, through the end of June). Something about doing that today has really made me feel better. Like, I can do this... The stress is still here, but I do feel **better**.

I had a meeting last night and some things were discussed that really have me tied up. But, even with that, I have this sense of "Don't worry about it. Let it play out as it is going to play out. Focus on YOUR tasks and don't worry." I know that I will get pulled into the middle but I still feel like I can try to relax and just count down to the end. If I am pregnant, obviously the time table would be moved up since I would have surgery the first week of June or so, but if not, we have made a decision. And that feels good.

I'm sure I'm not over the hump yet, but it is such a nice feeling to feel like things will be okay at work... That I will be able to give my notice in a month or two and get things under control in my life outside of the library. It will be scary, but we will make it.

And onto the scary. It also hit me this morning as I was in the shower that it is possible an ultrasound will show three babies. Three. As in more than half the fingers on one hand... As in the complete total of babies I've birthed thus far... Three... And the realization that I will have no idea what to do with them all hit me. It's not just about the pregnancy. I will stand on my head if it means keeping them all safe. They can put it velcro on my cervix if it will keep the damn thing closed. Whatever needs to be done- DO IT. I'll stay on bedrest, visit the doctor weekly, whatever. As long as they are safe.

But what about AFTER? Do I dare dream of a life after a pregnancy children come home with me? It's terrifying to think about one baby coming home... A little scarier to think about two... And then the throught of three! There are plenty of moms who handle triplets well, and should we be blessed with such an honor, I would do my best to be one of them. But I dont think I really thought about having three at home with me until this morning. It's hard for me to think of a future with infants because my entire experience has been limited to mere moments in a hospital or ambulance. Nicholas was at home for perhaps 10 minutes before we were moved to the ambulance and transported to the hospital. Other than Nick, none of our children have lived outside of my womb at home for any period of time.

And then, the pessimist who lives in my head starts to talk, telling me that it is way too early to even dream of one baby let alone three... That even a pregnancy doesn't mean a baby will come home... That I shouldn't invest... But I already have. If not that, then what is there? And, I've invested in three, because that is what is possible. I would feel horrible to not invest at all, or to only invest in one and there be two or three.

I am grateful for the chance to grow our family even more; I am grateful for the chance that we may have a baby to get to know... 2 babies... 3 babies... Whomever we are blessed with, for however long we have them... I can't think too long term because life is too uncertain, but I want to feel like today is a blessing... That today, they have decided to call me "mom", to make me "home"...

There will be enough time in 9 days to mourn if I am wrong.


Mommy (You can call me OM) said...

Yikes! What a roller coaster of emotions. So many 'what-ifs'. Try taking things one day, one moment at a time. Remind yourself that you do what you can, and God takes care of the rest. I try to maintain the mantra, "Let go and let God" as much as possible.
I'm happy you've made some peace with work. That should release some of the stress you're feeling. Perhaps imagine yourself living in another person's body while at work, interacting with 'her' co-workers, dealing with 'her' stressors, etc. Remove yourself from it emotionally. I know, it sounds crazy. Or I sound crazy. But, it sometimes works. :)

Anonymous said...

Keep dreaming..that is what will get you that baby that you WILL get to bring home and who WILL call you.."mommy".You have alot of people praying for you.Stay strong:)