Not Coming Home

And he said unto me, "My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness." Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.  -2 Corinthians 12:9

I dont know how best to say this...  I dont know that my heart will allow me to type these words...  He's not coming home... not with us...  Michael isn't going to sleep in the crib with freshly laundered farm animal sheets or be wrapped in Nicholas & Sophia (& Alexander, Bobby, & Maya)'s blanket or be snuggled in the rocking chair that rocked his siblings, father, and grandfather.

She's changed her mind.

We knew this was always a possible outcome...  We knew and it didn't stop us from giving her hearts completely.  It didnt stop us from preparing our home or having his Blessingway or naming him or loving him.  It didnt stop us from telling people that we had a child on the way.  It didnt stop us from being happy (or shocked or afraid).

And now, the crushing blow... The inevitable, in some ways it seems, based on my histories... 
To think, I am one for signs and I kept so many of those signs close to my mind to settle my doubts and fears.
-2 failed adoptions, so the 3rd would be perfect
-2 lost second trimester pregnancies but the 3rd that got that far, Bobby and Maya, brought us two babies to love on earth as well as the many in our hearts

Perhaps I should have realized that all four of my miscarriages were miscarriages without a silver lining, or that, from 7 pregnancies, I have had only 1 that made it "far enough" to have a happy ending (if one calls the saga of Bobby & Maya's pregnancy and 2nd trimester delivery and NICU stay a 'happy ending').  I'm sorry... I'm sounding ungrateful or, worse, bitter, I'm not.  It's more a 'laugh or you will sob so uncontrollably that the white coats will be coming to take you away'.

I'm sobbing, too, mind you.  But I still needed to write.

What do I say?  I dont even know.  As I make calls & send text messages- to grandparents, to Michael's godparents, to best friends- I am at a loss.  What do you say?  That he was born safely and healthy?  That his birthmother- no, his mother because I'm not up for that title anymore- changed her mind?  It tells the truth, but at the same time leaves out how anguished we feel... How heartbroken...  But also how we understand her position- how could we place one of our children for adoption?  I'd like to say that, if we knew it was the best decision, we would... in a heartbeat... because we would always want what is best for them.  But, wouldnt we also want to see if we were that 'best'?  If we could give them all they needed and then some?  How can we fault her for that?  For giving Michael his birth family and his biological brother to surround him?  She chose to keep him, to give him life... I'm grateful for that.  And if knowing there were other parents willing to love him and raise him if she felt she couldn't gave her the strength to keep the pregnancy- and now the same strenght to mother him- then that will be the balm for my heart.  It has to be; there is no other option.

I suppose I should stop calling him Michael... And use the name that she gave him, a name I'm grateful to know so that I can continue to pray for the sweet 9lb9oz baby who, although I'll never hold him in my heart, I will hold forever in my breaking heart...
For now, I'm remembering the sweetness I felt when my friend, KK, sent him his first Bible... How I wrote that it would be something to hold onto, regardless of the outcome.  I'm holding onto it now...  Tightly... Tearfully...

Waiting...

Thanks for all the messages checking in... We are still in a holding pattern and waiting for news about the status of Michael's adoption.  I'll post when I know something.

Unplugged...On Purpose

I havent posted in what feels like forever.  In the beginning, it was because my laptop decided to turn fickle.  At first, it locked up in different applications.  Then, it refused to log onto the Internet, regardless of the browser I was using.  This last weekend, Peter finally completed wiping the entire thing clean and reinstalling software.  I still dont have a lot of my files reinstalled, but I can get online again using IE (I'm a Chrome girl, so this is a big deal, LOL). 

I was ticked off at the start.  I'm connected to this thing- like really connected.  Like bordering-on-addiction connected.  I was the girl who returned emails practically instantaneously if possible.  Not having access to my computer gave me quite a bit of eye openers.  And the biggest thing it showed me was that I like being unplugged.  Really. 

I've got a fair amount of hippie in me and not having the constant connection gave me the gift of time.  Time to better spend with the kids.  Time to better focus on hobbies that didnt include web browsing, blog reading, or chatting.

I've missed it, too- dont get me wrong!  I've missed the virtual friendships and hearing what is going on in everyone's lives.  I've missed the FB updates (and thank you for all the birthday wishes!  I had thousands of emails over 2 weeks to week through and almost 200 were either FB wall posts or FB emails wishing me a happy birthday!!) and what's going on with friends.  And I've gained a few pounds over my birthday and with not logging in to log.  (Not anything major, but I'm not hitting my goal by the end of the month!)  So there were definitely drawbacks too.

But I think, for right now, unplugging is the best thing for me- voluntarily of course.  There's been so much stress in our house as we get ready for Michael's arrival and as the kids get more active and involved in homeschooling.  So, I dont know when you'll see me.  When I get the urge, I'll pop on, but it wont be the way it was- at least not right now.  I want to enjoy my Donna Reed lifestyle for a while and part of that is dropping the IV connection to my laptop.

But, I'll leave you with some happy updates that I was unable to share.

-I had a WONDERFUL day with my neice as we celebrated her Confirmation.  We shopped, had tea, went to Mass at the Shrine dedicated to her patron, and finished it off with dinner and frozen yogurt.  It was awesome!

-May and June have been the time of girl time for me.  After L's Confirmation celebration, 2 of my very dearest friends and I had a girls day over Memorial Day.  Again, AWESOME time.  The conversation, the drinks, the food, just the hanging out.  Peter got to enjoy and entire Daddy Day and we just had a blast. 

-For my birthday, Sarah and I spent the day hanging out and, once again, being ladies of leisure.  My in-laws watched the kids and, after a babies-mommy-aunt sarah run, she and I just hung out and played hooky from real life.  Got pedicures and haircuts.  I discovered pomade (where have you been all my life???).  Peter's mom bought me 2 adorable little dresses for my birthday, one of which is the new anniversary dress.  LOVE THEM!

-Michael's Blessingway was wonderful.  For the entire period, we had about 40 people total stop by for food and good conversation.  It was really lovely.

-Our Anniversary trip is this weekend!  Peter took Friday off and will have some toddlertime while I get a 90 minute massage (this was my Valentine's Day gift that I havent yet cashed in), and then, once they have lunch and go to nap, Peter's mom will be here and we will head out for our anniversary.  We arent do back until Saturday afternoon (we'll see if we can stay away that long... I think there will be some serious kid-missing!).  As sad as I am to leave the kids for an overnight, I'm looking forward to some quality husband/wife time as well.  We need that, especially with another child on the horizon.

-Still training for my half-marathon.  Still living a healthy lifestyle (although the end of May-beginning of June has taught me that I still have a LONG way to go learning wise).  Still relatively happy and hopeful, although I have my days.



I'll log in to update about Michael; he's due to be born on June 28th; please keep your fingers crossed and prayers said for a safe, healthy delivery for birthmom and baby, and keep all of our families in your thoughts during this beautiful and painful time.

Thanks for understanding my need for space...  I'll miss reading all about what is going on in your lives, but I'm sure this self-imposed exile wont last forever. :)

Bad Connection

Something is wrong my my laptop, so connections to the Internet are spotty.  I will update things as soon as I can log in for more than a second at a time!