Monday, March 30, 2009

Nerves on edge

I'll start with the non-pregnancy blogging... I think that I may start to blog multiple posts if I want to talk about non-pregnancy versus pregnancy things. For example, a regular post would have a title (like this one) while a pregnancy related one will have a week and day for it's title (i.e. 4w2d). This way, it will be obvious what the subject of the post will be, especially if I have multiple posts. But I'd like to try and clearly differentiate between talking about my unborn babies (as I've come to think of them because, with my test numbers, I'm not sure there is only one) and my born babies. I'm probably overthinking this...

I cried a lot this weekend. Very weepy. I missed them so much, as did Peter. We did a lot of holding while each of us just had some moments of sorrow. Alex's due date is quickly approaching. We expected him around Easter. And now... The whole journey rebeginning just gets me very upset. I've been told that I should be over my grief by now (by people who, no doubt, have never really grieved) and that I should "move on" but... Who can say when grief ends? Does it? I can't imagine that my grief will ever go away. They are my children! How could my grief just end?!

Okay, on to pregnancy stuff...

Well, first and foremost: I just got my test results from this morning. Sit down. My hCG was more than double at 461 (double would have been 378) and my progesterone was (gulp) 90.6. Because of how high they are, I don't have to do a Friday test, just my Wednesday one and then no more until my ultrasound. My nurse said that they will be closed on Good Friday, but she will check and see if Dr. Lee will see me on Holy Thursday for an ultrasound. (We would be 5w5d). We may still be too early to see heartbeats, but at least we would have an idea of how many babies are taking root and growing. She said I might have to come back the following week, if they couldn't get HBs. So, we shall see! Cross your fingers that she'll see us and we'll have some pleasant news to share with family on Easter.

So, last Friday, after the excitement of betas and progesterone, I was getting ready to go to bed and... blood. Honestly, I freaked the hell out. Made Peter come and check the toilet paper. Just had a real meltdown. I've never had pinkish-red implantation bleeding. With Nicholas and Sophia, I had some brownish-purple mucus around 7w, but nothing much else. With Alexander, I didn't have any. So, realizing that there was nothing anyone could do anyway and with Peter trying to reassure me that my hCG and progesterone counts were too high to indicate a miscarriage a few hours later, I fell into a fitful sleep, praying for St. Gerard and St. Gianna to intercede for our babies and for us. The next morning and on Sunday morning, there was some brown mucus and this morning, my nurse reassured me that it sounded like nothing more than your average implantation bleeding. The test results today support that.

The worst part of the night, however, was the nightmare I had. I woke up in a cold sweat and was so upset, I woke Peter up. I dreamed about the most vivid and most horrific miscarriage of triplets. It was so real that I woke up convinced it had happened. I was at work and started bleeding, and then delivered these tiny babies in the bathroom. Two were tiny, tiny, like the size of the "Rosary for Life" beads. One was several inches long, bigger actually, than Nick, Sophie, or Alex. It was so strange. I remember calling Peter and him telling me he was in a meeting and to just "deal with it". That is when I realized I was dreaming and woke up. I think, at that point, I realized it had to be a dream. Peter would never respond that way. But still, I felt so sick when I woke up. And terrified. I was certain I was miscarrying right there. It was horrible.

Of course, everything is fine. I'm not bleeding. My hCG and progesterone numbers are through the roof. We are okay.

I slept a lot over the weekend. I'm so tired that I can barely hold my head up at times. I told Peter that, should I be carrying more than twins, I want to give my notice ASAP. Otherwise, I will work up to my cerclage, since it is apparant that I can carry twins to 16w. (Cerclage will be put in around 12w). I haven't called Dr. B. to make an appointment yet. I figure I will wait until the ultrasound.


nikki wood said...

My prayers are with you and your baby/babies :) Being scared I think is a normal process for any woman who has lost a child before. There is no way around it, and no matter what anyone says to you it will still be there.

And about when you should be done grieving. I don't think a mother ever stops grieving. How can anyone tell you how you should feel? Just remember it's between yourself and Peter, and people who haven't gone through it have NO right to say anything to you about it.

Living With Loss said...

Thank you for your comments on my blog. I have made an appointment with my GP to ask about the progesterone.

I'm so sorry you had a scare with the bit of blood and had that awful, awful nightmare. I am still keeping my fingers crossed for you and wishing everything will be ok.

Mommy (You can call me OM) said...

I'm so sorry you had that awful dream. I think we can definitely chalk it up to crazy hormones combined with the natural fear you are bound to feel. I will be praying for healthy babies and peace of mind for you.
Maybe you want to consider a sidebar for your pregnancy stats, so we can easily keep track. Sort of like the widget, but a bit more detailed.

Mon said...

Im sorry that you have to deal with comments like that. They dont know !! As for the numbers, they are very strong. My friend had similar and she has one healthy baby on the way. They explain such strong numbers by early implantations. If it would be triplets the numbers would probably be over 1000 now. I dont know if you want triplets or no, but those pregnancies are extremely dangerous, especially if the mother had previous misscarrrieages. Two of my online friends lost triplets within last month, it's so heartbreaking. And sorry for your nightmare, I am having similar ones too !! Its really scary. I wish you luck this time, Ive been following your blog for few monhts now !!! you'r such a strong person and such an inspiration.