9dpo

So, here we are... The week of the big result... T-4 days...

This morning, I've felt pretty discouraged. As you know, this is the first cycle I've charted and I don't really know a lot about the whole thing. I'm not sure how to even find my cervix, so I haven't done the whole "cervical mushiness" thing. I'm not sure how to even tell what certain mucus is (is it creamy? sticky? egg white? I don't know- it looks like mucus!). This weekend was very much an I-cant-tell-what-kind-of-mucus-I-have weekend. I mean, there is CM (I'm assuming that is a good thing... since it is produced as a response to progesterone, that means I'm still producing it, right?). For lack of being disgustingly graphic but in the hopes that someone can help me, it looks like jelly, sort of... Or like I've got a cold and sneezed or coughed phlem. I know. Gross. But really, I have no clue. Because Peter and I never planned on using ABC, we also didnt really invest in NFP (hence, I have no clue how to chart). We decided from the start that we would always accept children... Things just didn't work out like we thought... But, now, I am at the beginning of the learning curve, even as I'm in the middle of the game- and I'm lost! On top of it, I dont know if my drop in temperature this morning is a result of "the end" being near or because I woke up and got up and was awake for a bit before going back to bed. I've heard waking impacts temperatures, but I dont realy get the science behind it. And when does progesterone start to drop and temps start to drop if you are getting your period?

Today, my baby boy turned 4 months old at 3:45 this morning. At 3:30, I woke up and had to go (where else!) to the bathroom. 4 months ago, at 3:30, I woke up to a contraction. How similar to two nights were. Peter was holding me, his body keeping me warm, his arms wrapped around my belly. Both nights, to the sound of his name, he got up with me, to make sure I was okay. I took my time getting back to the bedroom and it was 3:42. As I laid awake and we exchanged some words about our little cuddlebug, the clock ticked to 3:45. As the minutes had done 4 months before, they ticked away too quickly and 3:50 was there... even before, it seemed, we had breathed. I didn't fall back to sleep until close to 4am, and then woke up again, around 5am, when Peter got up to do some work. The alarm went off at 6am, and I finally got up and went to the shower.

I took my temperature at 6am and it was 97.2 (down .2 from yesterday morning at 5:30am). 6am is my normal temping time. And my temps do change as soon as I get up. 30 seconds later, after walking to the bathroom, my temperature was a full degree lower. So, movement does play a role, no doubt. But could the lack of solid sleep for 3+ hours make a difference, even when I did sleep for 1 hour? Part of me says "tomorrow will tell a different story." But we have Adoration at 2am, so I will be up from 1:30am-3:15am. I will sleep until 7am, though, so that will at least give me the 3 hour minimum window. So, should I be the least bit bothered by my temperature? I don't know... I'm trying not to read too much into all of this. It is, after all, just something I was doing to keep my mind off the stress of this whole thing in the first place! Take it for me to get stressed about my stress reliever!

So, I went to my girlfriend's baby shower yesterday. It wasn't as bad as it could have been. I handle my friend's pregnancy fine (not only is she a dear friend, but she has also lost two children via early miscarriages). I don't, however, handle all other pregnancies as well. There were quite a few, ready-to-pop mamas in attendance, and that was hard. But, on the flip side, there was a woman I touched base with who is on her 2nd Lupron cycle, and just found out at her Sunday beta, that it was a failed cycle. We talked a lot. And she was so hopeful, even in her pain. I want to be like that. Especially this week.

I've been saying extra prayers for St. Gerard's intercession, and that these twinges in my left side, my belly's tender spots, and the constant peeing are actually signs on a beginning and not of another ending.

And now, to non-possible-pregnancy related news...

We are hosting the Virgin Mary in our home! Okay, so it's a statue of the Virgin Mary, but still, May 17th, she is coming! The Legion of Mary at our church is doing a thing where a statue in the image of Our Lady of Fatima is rotating through homes of the parish on a weekly basis. You are asked to pray for peace and to pray the Rosary each day that she is there. We are already picking out her spot (even though we have 6 weeks before she comes!). I didn't know if Peter would be into that, but after Mass, we went to the LoM table and one of the members explained the commitment, and when I asked if he was interested, he said "Yes". (If he wasn't, he would say something like, "Let's think about it and get back to you" instead of a flat "no". Then I would have to tell them no!) We actually have a prayer alter in our home, so we are thinking she may go there, but we aren't sure yet. But that seems like a natural fit.

Our current Sunday commitment is praying outside a Planned Parenthood. Before this conjurs screaming anti-abortion fanatics, let me say that I am only for peaceful protest, in the image of Ghandi and Martin Luther King, Jr. The whole screaming, nasty, violent protesting has no business anywhere, but let alone when you are praying. Peter and I have been going all Lent and have prayed the Rosary and held our signs peacefully on the sidewalk, facing traffic. Last weekend, I made a sign that says "Honk if you love babies", and this has been a big hit, especially among younger drivers. It amazes me how young some of these honkers are! And how many are men! Well, Peter's mom decided to come with us yesterday. She held my "honk" sign. I've never in my life seen anyone more excited to be holding a sign. Now, my mother-in-law is in her 60s. She was bundled up like it was December and she did a little dance with her sign everytime someone honked! We actually got more honks than Peter and I have in the past- it must have been her smiling face and her jigs. When we got in the car, she promptly told us that she wants to come with us next week too. Our signs aren't graphic (one says "pray to end abortion", the other has a Bible quote about God forming us in the womb and knowing us) and they get a lot of positive response from the passing cars. I never thought I would be someone holding a sign in front of an abortion clinic. What a difference a year makes...

We may have found additional seating for our living room! After many, many months (since we moved into the house in Sept. 2007!) and sitting on many, many loveseats and sofas, we have found one that we can agree on! We didn't like the fabric, so we will have to pay extra to upgrade to one that we can agree on. So now, the big question. Our current sofa is taupe. Our furniture is middle of the road in wood stain. Our walls are a very, very light beige. Should we try to match the loveseat and do a taupe/khaki color or should we go different, with an olive color? One of my girlfriends says to go with the green. We aren't sure!

And, in fun buying news, we've also agreed (well, mostly- I had to compromise more than I wanted, but he compromised on the loveseat, so... it all works out!) on a patio set! It's a square table for 4 (I wanted a table for 6) with swivel arm chairs. Since we plan on spending on the loveseat this month, the patio will be an April purchase. We've been trying to agree on a patio set since- no joke- 2005. This has come the closest to our thoughts and preferences. And, honestly, if I am going to be in bed for 6 months, I'd like to be able to be wheeled out every now and again to sit on my porch in the summer breeze (with my feet up, of course.) I don't want my little papooses to enjoy no fresh air (assuming Dr. B. says it's okay!).

I've written in Alexander's journal. I see his picture with that sweet little face and his bubble nose (my nose)... with his hands resting ever so gently on his chest or with his free hand, thumb in mouth... that peaceful look on his face, and how can I want anything but utter peace and happiness for him? But still, in my human failings, I miss him so much- I miss them all so much. I feel compelled to make brownies for dessert tonight: rich, dark chocolate brownies. Have a bite of your favorite sweet and remember my 4 month birthday cuddlebug today.