Friday, January 18, 2013


There are some days that I want to say "Screw you, history!  This pregnancy is going to be damn textbook perfect (except for the whole, cesarean-at-38-weeks part) and you can't stop me!!!"

I mean, clearly, if I'm talking to my "history" it may be time to visit the local shrink, but still....

The second trimester... Risk of loss drops from 25%+ to 1-5%, depending on history.  I'm in that 5% but still, 5 out of a 100.  I mean, if someone told you that you had a 95% chance of winning the lotto, you'd play, right?  I know plenty of couples who, in addition to telling at the 13 week mark, also start baby registries and nursery prep.

I mean, I was one of them... Five years ago, but still. I think I was actually 11 weeks or so when the drywall to the nursery (off our bedroom, at our old house) went in and the sage green paint went up on the walls.  And then the baby registry... That thing that us infertiles reallllllly wait for because we've waited so long.... Peter and I spent hours at that evil BRU shooting things with the scan gun.  It was 12w2d that I updated the registry for Bobby and Maya, as I laid around in bed on bedrest-post-TVC and trying to keep myself thinking positive.

After losses, I think we push the idea of these things farther and farther back.  Don't make a nursery that you will just have to take down.  Don't register for a shower you aren't going to end up having (or worse, one that you'll have and then have to return the gifts because your baby never came home).  Don't wash the baby clothes... Don't deck the crib... Don't, Don't, Don't.... Don't jinx it.

Quite a number of my friends didnt even a have a carseat when their babies were born and had to run out to get one before leaving the hospital.  Some had no nurseries or beds set up and the baby slept in a clothes basket for a night until someone could put it together.  Some had helpful grandmas washing laundry as mom and baby were being discharged.  Don't jinx it.

There is a part of me that says even thinking about it runs the risk of the JINX.  I'm not so worried about baby registries; I don't plan to have a shower, not because this baby isn't as loved or doesn't deserve the attention, but showers (in my mind) are really to help new parents who dont have the basics get the basics, while honoring the new baby-to-be.  We have the basics.  We dont have clothes or anything (because, the Universe has a sense of humor and I had literally just sold them all on craigslist when I got pregnant) but as far as big ticket items, we have a fair amount.  Maybe I'll have a mother's tea?  Invite my crazy friends to our favorite tea house and overrun the place for lunch?  But making a formal registry isn't part of  my agenda so, Jinx, be gone!

But the whole room thing...  That's on my mind a lot.  Worst case scenario, we do absolutely nothing and, the creche that is waiting patiently in the basement comes up the day we come home from the hospital.  No big deal.

But we're not converting the playroom into a nursery (at least, I dont think we are... I suppose we should talk about this more... If that changes, then I wouldnt want to do the nursery until way later just because the kids use that room).  Our current plan is to have the crib in our bedroom and then, when the baby is older, transfer the baby into a room with either Bobby or Maya (with the other  child in their own room/the playroom).  This, of course, means a revamp of our bedroom, which is big but kind of full, seeing as I have my desk and 2 bookcases in there.  Some stuff can be removed or moved elsewhere, but there are the logistics.

And there's me.  I'm one of those people who really loves to move furniture around (while Peter is not) and while I know that he has to be my braun at this point, I want to be mobile (and not bitchy) enough to be able to participate and have whatever vision comes into my head work itself out in the room.

Which leads me to: wanting to kick the JINX where the sun doesn't shine and say "Hey! 2nd Trimester here! It's GOING TO BE smooth sailing to the end!" while rationalizing the part of my mind that says "No harm in waiting until late June to do stuff... Just because you wont be physically able to do much, at least you dont have to worry about putting stuff up just to put it away". 

To add to it all are Bobby and Maya.  We opted to tell the kids about this baby early because, Bobby especially, needs time to process and adjust.  Waiting until later wouldn't work for him.  For Maya, she told us we were pregnant (no joke) and then proceeded to tell the world she was a big sister, so confirming it meant we could at least give her real information, and she loves the entire process.  Bobby is just now (after almost 2 months) starting to understand that there is a baby.  So, as I said, it takes him a bit of time.  Putting the nursery sooner rather than later gives them a chance to get used to the idea and see how things are changing (since they love our bedroom).

And yet... That whole jinxing thing.

Pregnancy would be so much easier if not marred by the truth that some babies dont come home... if memories werent laced with putting up nurseries just to take them down... if rocking chairs didnt hold blankets and tears and instead were just full of nursing and snuggles.

I do believe- I really DO- that this pregnancy will be different, that this baby will be the first to see the third trimester and that we will have a different outcome than ever before.  And I've been (for the most part) pretty zen and relaxed.  The first trimester flew by and worrying hasnt played a big role because I'm living by the whole "I'm doing my best and that's all I can do" motto.  But this... This is an actual decision that isn't life or death, that doesn't have to be made now or later, that is just one of those things


cheryllookingforward said...

Hugs hugs hugs. I hate it when we think about stuff like this. We have a complete nursery all set up (of course, with a 2 year old still using it). I've decided that he needs a new room no matter what. That nursery will stay set up, hopefully with the door open and a few upgrades...

Amelia said...

I absolutely understand all these feelings! Sending strength your way.