Happy 19m Birthday, Nicholas

My sweet firstborn son, Nicholas: Happy 19 month birthday! I actually bought the body pillow I am using right now on your birthday... Your paternal grandma and I went to Bed Bath and Beyond and I picked it up to help me sleep more comfortably. You and your sister were moving as I purchased it and I remember thinking "life doesnt get better than this." Of course, I'd never kissed your sweet forehead or felt your fingers move around mne, so I didnt know how wonderful those moments could be...

We had lunch with your daddy at our favorite French cafe. I was so tired that afternoon, that I fell asleep, curled around the body pillow, and slept until your dad got home around 5:30. I remember him coming into the bedroom and spooning me, his hands wrapped around my belly, his happy noises as he felt you moving, too. And we slept, as a family, together... The last time we were all together asleep, living, moving.

I woke up an hour later, craving for those pork chops in full force... I remember asking if your dad wanted to go to the store, but he was so tired... A long day at work... So, I got dressed and went, picking up the necessities for dinner, and coming home in the rain that would become snow. Arriving home, your dad met me at the car and carried the groceries inside and we began to cook your special dinner together. Modern Marvels was on in the background, a show that we watched throughout your pregnancy. Even now, we think of it as "your" show.

That night went by so quickly... I never even had the thought of "that's a contraction" when the pain hit. So quickly... And then, you were born. You were in my hands, heart beating, legs kicking, fingers grabbing. Your sweet little body... Your smell... Everything. I close my eyes and can still see you... fell you... smell you... kiss you. We held you for four precious days after you had joined the saints in heaven... It was so short, even though it was so much longer than many people were able to hold their babies. We just couldnt let you go. And when we finally had to say good-bye, it broke our hearts into even more pieces.

Today, my sweet boy, we celebrate you and we remeber. You are in our hearts and minds every single second of every day. But on the first of the month, your day, you are the star. I often thought we would eventually drop back on these monthly celebrations but we havent... Perhaps we never will. I dont know.

Your sweet grandma, your daddy's mommy, is making your special meal and bringing it to the hospital this afternoon. How sweet... How very sweet... So, tonight, even though Mommy wont have any of your special desesrt, we will light the candle and sing Happy Birthday and remember together the beautiful night that brought you from my womb into this world and into our arms.

We love you. Always.

Happy Birthday, my sweet Nicholas.