Originally posted here
Sometimes, my strongest enemy is myself. You would think that realizing my issues and tackling them head-on would somehow help me keep my demons at bay... But no.
Saturday, the Respect Life Committee that Peter and I chair together for our church threw a tea party. It was a blazing success! And, because it was tea, there were delicious scones and fruit, tasty tea sandwiches, and outstanding desserts... And, because I should (or is this "could"), I ate them... And long after I wasnt hungry (I wasnt hungry to start if I'm honest, because I snacked beforehand, with the thought that I could stay the hell away from the high calories at the tea itself). In one day, the scale showed a 2.5 pound increase come Sunday morning. I wasn't happy, to say the least.
But Sunday was my long run and, even though I'd only planned a 9 mile outing (1/2m walk warm-up, 8 mile run, 1/2m walk cool-down), I ended up running NINE miles and making it a 10 mile day! Which had me on cloud nine. I felt it in my muscles and joints afterwards (and this morning) no doubt, but not in a bad way. In a "you did it!!!" sort of way. And it was great. Absolutely great.
I came home, grabbed a quick shower, and got prepared for the final meeting of our lenten scripture study (Peter and I hosted a 6 week study through the Sunday scriptures of Lent). Afterwards, as was the tradition, we had a potluck. Utter deliciousness... My mother made a chicken marsala TO DIE FOR. It was all good... So very good...
And so, you guessed it, I ate. More than I should have. Even after my stomach said "HEY! YOU! I'M DONE!!!". Because, really, that means, "Shove in another brownie (or two) and dont forget to finish your wine!"
I know better. That's the worst part. I truly know better. And I know that I tend to struggle more in groups. Part of it is that I dont want people to think I'm depriving myself (because I'm not). Part of it is that the food is good and I want more (even when my body doesnt). I lost 65 pounds in 6 and a half months by listening to my body... By making better choices. And now, when I'm so close- 25 pounds- to my goal, I'm falling short... I'm fighting myself. The evil monkey and the good one... Hand to hand (or maybe hand to mouth??) combat.
My mantra has been "Today is a new day". And it is. A day of better choices. A day of going back to what works. To realizing that I am a snacker... And that is okay. Because low calorie, healthy snacks are a good way to eat, and grazing is better for my body that sticking to meals.
But it pisses me off- in the WORST way- that my runner's high is overshadowed by my eater's guilt. 9 miles is the longest I have ever run in my life. It is a day that I am so proud of... To let it be weighed down by bad choices is a heartbreak.
But today... today is a new day. Today is a day that I CAN make better choices. It doesnt need to be about the scale; it needs to be- no it HAS TO BE- about making the positive choices- the healthy choices- that got me here in the first place. And it will be.
Because I'm stronger than this and, even if I dont know it, I'm stronger than the brownies too...