Monday, April 18, 2011

Fighting Myself (LOMIM)

Originally posted here

Sometimes, my strongest enemy is myself.  You would think that realizing my issues and tackling them head-on would somehow help me keep my demons at bay... But no.

Saturday, the Respect Life Committee that Peter and I chair together for our church threw a tea party.  It was a blazing success!  And, because it was tea, there were delicious scones and fruit, tasty tea sandwiches, and outstanding desserts... And, because I should (or is this "could"), I ate them...  And long after I wasnt hungry (I wasnt hungry to start if I'm honest, because I snacked beforehand, with the thought that I could stay the hell away from the high calories at the tea itself).  In one day, the scale showed a 2.5 pound increase come Sunday morning.  I wasn't happy, to say the least.

But Sunday was my long run and, even though I'd only planned a 9 mile outing (1/2m walk warm-up, 8 mile run, 1/2m walk cool-down), I ended up running NINE miles and making it a 10 mile day!  Which had me on cloud nine.  I felt it in my muscles and joints afterwards (and this morning) no doubt, but not in a bad way.  In a "you did it!!!" sort of way.  And it was great.  Absolutely great. 

I came home, grabbed a quick shower, and got prepared for the final meeting of our lenten scripture study (Peter and I hosted a 6 week study through the Sunday scriptures of Lent).  Afterwards, as was the tradition, we had a potluck.  Utter deliciousness...  My mother made a chicken marsala TO DIE FOR.  It was all good... So very good...

And so, you guessed it, I ate.  More than I should have.  Even after my stomach said "HEY! YOU!  I'M DONE!!!".  Because, really, that means, "Shove in another brownie (or two) and dont forget to finish your wine!"

I know better.  That's the worst part.  I truly know better.  And I know that I tend to struggle more in groups.  Part of it is that I dont want people to think I'm depriving myself (because I'm not).  Part of it is that the food is good and I want more (even when my body doesnt).  I lost 65 pounds in 6 and a half months by listening to my body... By making better choices.  And now, when I'm so close- 25 pounds- to my goal, I'm falling short... I'm fighting myself.  The evil monkey and the good one...  Hand to hand (or maybe hand to mouth??) combat.

My mantra has been "Today is a new day".  And it is.  A day of better choices.  A day of going back to what works.  To realizing that I am a snacker... And that is okay.  Because low calorie, healthy snacks are a good way to eat, and grazing is better for my body that sticking to meals.

But it pisses me off- in the WORST way- that my runner's high is overshadowed by my eater's guilt.  9 miles is the longest I have ever run in my life.  It is a day that I am so proud of... To let it be weighed down by bad choices is a heartbreak.

But today... today is a new day.  Today is a day that I CAN make better choices.  It doesnt need to be about the scale; it needs to be- no it HAS TO BE- about making the positive choices- the healthy choices- that got me here in the first place.  And it will be. 

Because I'm stronger than this and, even if I dont know it, I'm stronger than the brownies too...


sunflowerchilde said...

Yes, you are stronger than the brownies! And I'm also proud of you for your nine mile run, that's also the farthest run I've ever done, and that was years ago. I'm struggling with the same food issues as you are right now, and having the same problems. I like your mantra, though. Keep it up, tomorrow is a new day, too.

St Elsewhere said...

I find myself doing it. Usually the reason is how delicious the food is. I am also guilty of sometimes squaring off leftovers, because who wants to store tidbits into the refrigerator for another day. But I am not exercising that hard.

You are. So I am sure it must be hard to be doing it when you have a better purpose in mind.

All I can say is, stay strong...and for brownies, you can always give them to me. I will eat the calories. :-)

Hillary said...

Grrrr... weightloss is so hard. I too spend the better part of my time fighting the thoughts in my head more than the food on my plate.
You've come such a long way and I'm super proud of you! I couldn't run 1 mile much less 9... :)
Keep up all your hard work. IT WILL PAY OFF and YOU CAN DO THIS!

Lots of Love today!