Happy 3rd Birthday, Sophia

My dearest daughter, Sophia.


After the way I greeted the morning of your twin brother's birthday- with anger... so much anger- I wondered how your birthday would be, sweet child of wisdom.  No anger today... Just peace.  A deep peace.  A peace that fills the house and my body to its core.  A peace that doesnt replace the sadness that you arent here so I can watch you grow up and share secrets with you and brush your hair before putting on your wedding veil, but a peace that lets me know that you are perfectly fine and happy, and that life is as it should be.  A peace that goes so much deeper than simply saying I have found acceptance in your life and your death and the empty place at our table left behind.  A peace that could only come with the scent of your wisdom that lingers on the air around me.


Tonight was so very unlike the night you were born.  It was snowing then and so cold, even in the afternoon when the EMTs took me to the helicopter.  Today, around the same time, I had your younger siblings out for a walk.  It was windy and cool, but like early spring, not the late winter of your birth.


Your daddy and I had your dinner tonight and we ate a yummy brownie in your honor!  You would have liked it, sweet girl.  I have a feeling that you would have had a sweet tooth like your daddy.  :)  The brownies arent too sweet and are a nice mix of regular, coconut, and hazelnut flours... I know... You'd be a cook like your mama!  Loving to create!  You do, sweetness.... You do...


When I was pregnant with you, I called you my little elephants.  My elefantitos.  Is it coincidence that, on NatGeo, there is a program on elephants right now?  I dont think so... :)


I miss you, SophieGirl.  I miss you so much.  I miss the waves of hair I see cascading over your shoulders.  I miss your gentle mothering on your siblings, how you'd always want to "help" me and tell me that you could do it yourself.  You'd be my little lawyer and philosopher, always working towards whatever common good you could find (and always trying to talk yourself out of whatever I was dishing out if you didnt like it!).  I can hear your laugh in the wind, as the chimes clink together.  I can see your eyes in the moonlight reflecting on the kitchen window.  I feel you in the gentle presence you leave in the rooms of Bobby and Maya as they sleep.


I love you so much, Gaea Sophia.  Wisdom of the world.  My world, my wisdom.  How I love you and miss you.  I know you are with me, and yet beyond me and that brings solace to my heart.


Thinking you today, sweet baby, on your third birthday, and sending all the love in my heart.
Love you,
Mommy




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Hi Sophia,

Three years old.  How quickly the time goes by....

I feel the closest to you of the older kids.  Probably because I got to spend so much time taking care of you - running errands for mommy and daddy, eating dinner with you, and watching Redneck Weddings with mommy in the living room while she was on bed rest.  And because of this I have so many distinct memories of you.  

I think of three year old you as a taller, older version of Maya, but with light brown hair.  You are a little tomboy, just like the statue that Mommy and I run by in the park.  You pick up worms off of the sidewalk and get excited when you find bugs and spiders in the house.  You always want to keep up with Nicholas.  You prefer trucks and blocks to dolls and dressup.  You love animals and nature and when we take walks you are always asking me questions about the types of trees and where do the squirrels live and what type of bird is making the chirrping sound we hear.  I imagine that all of your little Sunday dresses get pretty dirty because when we walk to the park you turn over rocks to see what's there, or if we go to Uita and Grandpa's house you like to look for frogs and turtles and fish in the pond.

I miss you sweetie.  Thanks for the time we had.

Much love,
Aunt Sarah