My dearest daughter, Sophia.
After the way I greeted the morning of your twin brother's birthday- with anger... so much anger- I wondered how your birthday would be, sweet child of wisdom. No anger today... Just peace. A deep peace. A peace that fills the house and my body to its core. A peace that doesnt replace the sadness that you arent here so I can watch you grow up and share secrets with you and brush your hair before putting on your wedding veil, but a peace that lets me know that you are perfectly fine and happy, and that life is as it should be. A peace that goes so much deeper than simply saying I have found acceptance in your life and your death and the empty place at our table left behind. A peace that could only come with the scent of your wisdom that lingers on the air around me.
Tonight was so very unlike the night you were born. It was snowing then and so cold, even in the afternoon when the EMTs took me to the helicopter. Today, around the same time, I had your younger siblings out for a walk. It was windy and cool, but like early spring, not the late winter of your birth.
Your daddy and I had your dinner tonight and we ate a yummy brownie in your honor! You would have liked it, sweet girl. I have a feeling that you would have had a sweet tooth like your daddy. :) The brownies arent too sweet and are a nice mix of regular, coconut, and hazelnut flours... I know... You'd be a cook like your mama! Loving to create! You do, sweetness.... You do...
When I was pregnant with you, I called you my little elephants. My elefantitos. Is it coincidence that, on NatGeo, there is a program on elephants right now? I dont think so... :)
I miss you, SophieGirl. I miss you so much. I miss the waves of hair I see cascading over your shoulders. I miss your gentle mothering on your siblings, how you'd always want to "help" me and tell me that you could do it yourself. You'd be my little lawyer and philosopher, always working towards whatever common good you could find (and always trying to talk yourself out of whatever I was dishing out if you didnt like it!). I can hear your laugh in the wind, as the chimes clink together. I can see your eyes in the moonlight reflecting on the kitchen window. I feel you in the gentle presence you leave in the rooms of Bobby and Maya as they sleep.
I love you so much, Gaea Sophia. Wisdom of the world. My world, my wisdom. How I love you and miss you. I know you are with me, and yet beyond me and that brings solace to my heart.
Thinking you today, sweet baby, on your third birthday, and sending all the love in my heart.