I thought that, as I walked to the store. The rain stopped and I loaded Bobby and Maya up in the twin stroller, strapped my diaper bag to it, and headed out for the quarter mile walk through our neighborhood to the local market to pick up a few items that we couldnt buy at Whole Foods on Sunday. I passed by a mom of 7-year old twins that I'd run into on my last walk by her house and we chatted. She commented on how sweet Maya looked in her pink hat and how cute Bobby's cheeks were. I did my shopping, maneuvering the stroller down the isles, tossing in some A&D ointment to keep Maya's bum soft and clear and some baby oatmeal and rice cereals, then grabbing some snacks for mom and potatoes for tonight's dinner. I checked out, tossing my purchases in the bottom of the stroller and walking back into the brisk afternoon towards home.
And it hit me. This is the life I might have had 2 years ago.
But just as quickly, my mind retracted. No. It's not.
And it isnt.
Aside from the obvious that Bobby and Maya arent Nicholas and Sophia, and I'm sure their personalities would have been as different as they are from each other, it's more than that. Our dream had always been that I would quit my job and stay home. I know how lucky I am to be able to do that. While I would have done my best to stay home, I know that we would have struggled. And I dont know that I would have been able to not work.
I presume that, after a while, I would have had to have gone back to work, at least part time, probably nights and weekends. We had debt back then that we dont have now. While I didnt make a lot as a library manager, I did well enough that we ate out often, spent as we saw fit, and didnt struggle in our lifestyle. When I was out on maternity after Nicholas and Sophia, and then again after Alexander, we made ends meet but it was a huge help when I was bringing in a paycheck (as it is for most U.S. employers, our maternity was unpaid).
Now, I dont worry. Given, this month (our first with a real budget), we went way over with eating out and the unexpected trip to NY, but it's a headache, not a problem. We know we will have to do better and stick to our guns so that we dont end up with a problem, but it struck me, walking home, that the life I have today wouldnt be the life I would have had with Nicholas and Sophia. That life would have struggled more... Would have worried more...
Sometimes it just strikes me that, even though so many people think I am living a dream 2 years removed, in reality, I'm living a life so very different.