Wednesday, January 6, 2010

On the Wall

Our house is an old fashioned colonial. The stairs to our 2nd floor open into the loft where our laundry area is; you can either proceed into the bathroom area or you can go down the hall that has the office on one side, the kids' bedroom on the other, and dumps you into our bedroom, to which the nursery attaches (and shares the wall with what will become their bedroom). That hallway has always been envisioned by us as the hallway of pictures. On one side, we have two paintings that my father completed of Peter and I, followed by pics of Nicholas, Sophia, and Alexander. I'll be adding Bobby and Maya once I find the same frames that I have for their siblings, since I'd like them to match. The opposite wall is empty. This was the wall that we always saw as the "growing up" wall... The wall where we would put pictures of our children as they grow up.

But not all of our children. Not now. And that really hurts.

I asked my mother-in-law yesterday if it was hard to watch Peter do things that Robert never would: graduating HS, going to college, getting married, having children. She nodded that yes, it was hard, but that it was harder watching Peter do those things without his brother by his side. Yes. I can understand that. From Peter's perspective and now, from hers. And from my own.

They will never grow up. They will perpetually be my babies. My tiny, sweet miracles. My piece of heaven. Lost in the stars. Black-and-white. Never aging. Unchanging.

I bought frames and have added pictures of Bobby and Maya. A picture of Peter kissing my belly. Bath time. Dressed up. College frames that hold more than one picture. Pictures that show them as babies... Growing up. But there is another frame. A frame for the brothers and sister they will not know physically in this world: their names in the sand, Seraphim's gorgeous photos, Carleigh's Mom, Holly's, photo. We've talked about adding a picture on their birthdays... A picture where we age but they dont... I dont know. We dont know. All I know is that as happy as I am to hang photos on that wall, I am also hurting.


We received a box from Mimi and Grandpaw (or Granddad... Not sure what my stepdad has decided on yet...) My mom sent beautiful ornaments for Bobby and Maya. And three, precious angel ornaments, each inscribed in her beautiful manuscript, the names and birthdays of Nicholas, Sophia, and Alexander. She also sent an ornament of Peter and I holding Bobby and Maya, in black and white, held by and angel that says "watch over us". Really beautiful. All of them. I will update my ornaments post when I have pics.


I did get to the gym on Monday for my Pilates class. It was great. I was sore yesterday but the class was great. Last night, I took a Body Flow class, which is a hybrid Tai Chi-Pilates-Yoga class. Again, awesome. It felt so good to finally get my body into movement. I am super sore today, but it feels good. And, best yet, I had given myself a January goal of 3 classes/week. Come Thursday, with another Body Flow class, I will have completed my goal! It is super hard to leave the babies, but I know that Peter enjoys his DaddyBabiesTime and, truth be told, I need to have MommyTime. I have noticed such a difference in how I feel, just by having that time. But it's hard. I still have nightmares of them dying in their sleep or having something happen while I am at the gym.


Teething. Both at once. Maya started around 12-13 weeks and our pediatrician said that 3 months was around the earliest babies start but that we might not see a tooth poke through until 7 months old or so... that it all depends on the baby. Well, Bobby started around 16 weeks old. (They are 17 weeks tomorrow and 4 calendar months on Sunday). Last night... They both were up all night. They went to bed after eating around 11pm. Bobby was up from midnight until 3am and then he fell asleep and traded with Maya, who was sleeping, from 3am-6am. They both wanted to eat at 7am. And, even though I'd hoped to catch some sleep, they were raring to go by 9am. Fun times... The only thing that calmed them was when I rubbed their gums. I hate to see them in pain. I know this is normal, but still, it kills me to know that all I can really do is rub and hold and love. Our parents all used the bourbon-on-the-gums routine, but that really doesnt do much until teeth are actually cutting the gum. Right now, that isnt happening and it is just the uncomfortable feeling of teeth pressing on the gum. So... We just wait. And let them grow. Which, today, has meant trading them off. I give them that they are consistent with one another! One hurts then is comforted and falls asleep, and then the other wakes up hurting is comforted and falls asleep, and repeat.


It's Three Kings Day. Little Christmas. Old Epiphany. Happy Day to those who celebrate. We are due to spend the evening with one of the sets of Godparents. I have the ingredients to bake a cake. That is my goal for the day. :) Just the one goal. :)


Okay, sleeping Maya on my chest needs to be traded for crying Bobby. Have to go...


Amy said...

Have you tried Hyland's teething tablets? All natural. They help with our children. The best price I have found is on Amazon.

Mother Knows Best Reviews said...

Oh, Michele. I am just so sorry. Your words made me cry - I think of that often when I look at Maddie's picture, how I won't get ones of her in kindergarten, a senior picture, a wedding picture. It's so very heartbreaking. Hugs to you.

Teething already?!? Holy cow!

Anonymous said...

Oh Michele, I know what you mean. I hate that I will never replace Madelyn's baby picture. That is all I get - one night of photos. I am glad you have the photos of their names, it helps and doesn't, all at the same time.

Thinking of you and your precious children.

quadmom said...

I love everything you do to keep Sophia, Nicholas, and Alexander's memory alive in your hearts and in your home.

I can't imagine two babies teething at once ... or the trading-off sleeping so that mom gets no sleep! How do you do it? No really, how? I will definitely be asking your advice in the future, that's for sure!

Debby@Just Breathe said...

Michele, your journey is so difficult. When I read this the one thing that came to mind for me is that eternity is forever and you will have that with Alexander, Nicholas and Sophia. I know that doesn't help your sorrow today but what a blessing it will be when that day comes. This time now is short compared to eternity.

Teething x two. I pray that it will be quick. We all went through it and we don't remember it so that is a good thing. It is so hard when they are hurting.

Thinking about the possibility of the death of your child will ever be present. Yours is much stronger because of history but I worry each and everyday about my children. It never leaves my mind.
I talk to God all day about their safety, keeping them in His care and keeping evil out of their way.

Debby@Just Breathe said...

Michele, sometimes all these thoughts go through my mind and I type them to you. I hope that I don't ever hurt you with what I say.

Cromdubh said...

Don't forget that it's also Nollaig na mBan, lit. Women's Christmas.
I think the idea was that the ladies got to put their feet up and have a natter.
It could also be that the Old Gaelic Church in Ireland had the Eastern Calendar despite accepting the Primacy of Rome.
Luckily the Normans followed by the Anglo-Saxons came along and put us to right.
Christmas on Dec 25th and everybody named Tom Dick and Harry.
Hardly evolution!

Anonymous said...

I definately hear what you are saying in regard to never replacing their pictures. I have thought about that often myself. *hugs* Thinking of you and all of your babies.

Lizy said...

Happy Three King's Day to all the kids those on Earth and those in heaven. Bobby and Maya are simply amazing. I check on pictures when I need a smile and feel the hope!!! Thanks for sharing them ALL with us.

Katie said...

Oh, Sweetheart. Hugs to you. You are such an amazing mom to all of your precious children. The things you do to honor them are just wonderful.

I want to second the Hyland's teething tablets. Will seemed to do very well on those. We also used Tylenol very occasionally, when the tablets didn't seem quite enough.

Oh, and Will's favorite teether was a frozen wet washcloth that I would set out to "thaw" for a few minutes on the counter.

Glenda said...

Your ornaments are beautiful! We missed getting one for David Joseph this year because we didn't get the first one we thought about!

Too many of us know the pain of the children that we will never see grow up on this earth!

Have you thought about or do you donate or volunteer with March of Dimes? I never thought there was a reason for me to after we lost DJ (I thought it was for parents of living preemies). Then I realized they were research for better pregnancy and preemie outcomes. I have donated a few times (in memory/honor of DJ). I am really considering doing the March for Babies this year, especially with Nadya!

addingtothepack said...

Big hugs. I'd imagine that, like me, you have dreamed of the wall of family photos for a long time and this was not exactly how you planned to have it filled.

Paula said...

When Jess was teething in China (with all the stuff I packed, I forgot orajel), my guide took me to a pharmacy and they tried to give me pills that were meant for adult tooth pain. The guide said they don't give babies anything for teething and that they just tickle them. I was thankful one of my travelmates had extra orajel because Jess seemed so miserable - new people, strange smells, different food, and a mouth that hurt.

Terri Jones said...

I too used homeopathic teething tablets for CJ. Just pop a couple in and they dissolve. As he got older he would get the bottle and bring it to me. I would also use in conjuction w/ tylenol on occasion. WC started teething at 3 months and had an entire mouthful by 9 months. He had his 2 yr molars by 1 1/2.
Congrats on getting to the gym. It really is important that you take some time for yourself to release the tensions of your day. You'll be a better mom for it. It's good for Daddy to spend some time w/ the kids to bond. And to get a small taste of what you do, day in & day out. I love to see daddy's who know how to care for their children. The children reap rewards too when daddy is also very involved.

Anonymous said...

You dont need to post this but I just thouht to let you know that poeople on the forums are talking about your blog, that you're not normal and depress your readers by nourishing your grief artificially so you get more readers rather then enjoying your new babies, they also talk that you'll become one of those old ladies who love going to the funerals of dead people cause they enjoy crying so much. I just wanted to let you know becuase im not sure youre aware of it

MrsSpock said...

Dear Anonymous,

Most of us find the grief of others uncomfortable, and if we have not experienced the loss of a child ourselves, it may be difficult to understand.

Grief does not have a set time limit.

I suggest you read this:

Thomas said...

MrsSpock is absolutely correct--grief has no time limit.

If it's disturbing to you, or to others you have taken on the job of speaking for, neither you nor they are obligated to continue reading.

All the best to you, Michele. I found your blog through another blog I read, and I keep you and your family in my prayers. It's absolutely not the same thing as losing your children, but four members of my family were killed in a car accident six months ago, and it is difficult dealing not only with the shock and devastation, but also with some people's belief that I/we "should be over that by now." I hope I haven't offended you by my response to Anonymous.


Anonymous said...

Dear Anonymous,

You don't have to visit or read this blog at all. Nobody's making you click the link. If the contents of Michele's blog bothers you so much, just don't visit it. We won't miss you, please be assured of that.

The loss of a child(ren), infertility and the grief of never knowing life inside you is something only experience can give. Obviously, you haven't a clue.

Michele said...

I'm not offended at all. My heart goes out to your family. Email anytime.

Anonymous said...

Dear anonymous,
I think your comment was very insensitive, i'm not sure if you have ever lost a child( i hope not) but the pain we feel is constant and doesn't go away. Michelle is honest about her feelings on here and their is nothing forcing anyone to read the blog so close the page if you don't like what you are reading. I read her blog good and bad becuase it helps me to understand my feelings after losing my little girl, we have bad days when that pain is unbearable and need to express those feelings this blog is her way of telling her friends and giving us a chance to listen and hopefully offer her some comfort. AND just in case you didn't notice she has many happy post here also. IF you have living children do you automatically stop thinking about the other when a new baby arrives NO you love them all that is what we do, love ALL of our children in heaven and on earth.

sara ( I too have an angel in Heaven and an angel on earth. And, while I still grieve for one, I am also inlove with the othe!!) said...





Anonymous said...

I think Michele is honestly one o the most couragous women I have seen...people like this anon need to be ignored because getting mad at them just fuels their fire...if we can ladies in the furture just skip right over what they right and comment as though its not there after a while like any child they will get bored with people iognoring them and go away!

sara said...

in reference to:
I think Michele is honestly one o the most couragous women I have seen...people like this anon need to be ignored because getting mad at them just fuels their fire...if we can ladies in the furture just skip right over what they right and comment as though its not there after a while like any child they will get bored with people iognoring them and go away!

January 17, 2010 11:04 AM

I really try to just ignore it when ppl write such cruel or thoughtless words... its just so aggravating though. Even before I lost my Anthony, I was at least understanding when/if someone talked about a loss or their feelings surrounding it.
I just dont understand how some ppl can be so ignorant and it really itches me the wrong way ..

but, youre right ... prob best to moan and groan about it off the forum or not at all ..

Thank you!! :)