First Week @ Home

It really has been one week since our Bobby-boy came home. Wow. As I sit here typing, with his long body draped across my shoulder, I am in sheer awe and amazement. My son is home. I dont have to go to a NICU to visit him. I dont have to ask a nurse if I can pick him up. I can kiss his forehead and smell his scent, and there are no monitors beeping or wires to untangle. Today marks 3 days that our sweet Maya has been home. I look and see her laying, big open mouth smile, on Peter's chest, her hands intertwined in his chest hair, the light bouncing off her strawberry blonde hair, and, no joke, snoring, and I feel a lump in my chest. She is home. There arent CPAPs or steroid injections or withheld feeds. Just my Maya. My sweet little girl, who just opened her eyes and looked at me. And smiled.

Wow.

The visit with my mom and grandma went well. They adored the babies and the babies adored them. It was too short a time. They came Monday night and left Friday morning. I wish they could have stayed longer.

Life in the Haytko house is quite interesting. The babies take between 2oz and 4oz per feed, depending on who it is, and eat every 3-5 hours, depending on how much they eat. Last night, they slept for 5 hours. Maya tends to want to sleep over eat, Bobby wants to eat over sleep. Getting them to sleep in our arms is easy; putting them down... not so much. Not that we mind. Except when we would like to sleep too... Since we dont advocate sleeping with the babies in bed with us, this can be quite challenging. The cosleeper is a godsend; once we get them to sleep and lay them down, it is nice having them so close.

Nursing... Well... It's a dream that I've had to put aside. Bobby prefers the faster flow of the bottle and wont even attempt to direct breastfeed. Maya still will latch on and suck, but she prefers her bottle. She gets frustrated when she realizes that my breast wont flow faster no matter how hard she sucks. I'm trying to fall in love with the bottle as they have, but alas... To say that this isnt how we saw things play out is to tell you something you already know. I'm still pumping like crazy and trying to get my supply back. At this point, I am back to producing about a third to half of what they need. It's getting better but I'm only up to 3-4 ounces a pump. So, we've been making bottles with 1/2 breastmilk and 1/2 ready-to-use formula. I hate fooling with the powder, so ready-to-drink has won. I'm really hoping that pumping gets me back to full feeds so then we can get rid of formula all together. But, I just cant stress about it. If it happens it does. At this point, if it doesnt, it's just another dream that gets traded for reality. The only dream I can hold onto is the safety of Bobby and Maya. If I can have that, then the rest is just icing on the cake.

***

Wednesday night, our church held the annual Mass of Remembrance for those who have died in the last year. Alexander was remembered. If Maya was at the hospital, we'd decided that we wouldnt go because we'd be at the hospital, but if she were home, then we wanted to attempt to go if the weather was okay. So, on Wednesday night, the children made their first venture to church. About 3 dozen folks were being remembered, so it was a small crowd, and everyone respected our wishes that they not get close to the babies or not touch them. We wore them in our mae tai carriers, which worked out great. They slept through the service and Bobby didnt wake up until we were a few minutes from home and he was hungry. Afterwards, we celebrated Alex's birthday early with his grandparents and great grandmother. It was nice.

***

Tomorrow, we are going to attempt going to the 7:30am Mass. It is, by far, the fewest parishioners, and, if things dont work out with the babies, then we can slip out quickly. We plan on wearing them, since that played out so nicely on Wednesday. I keep handy hospital-grade hand sanitizer wipes. Just in case. Not that we are keen on touching, but just in case.

***

Monday is Alexander's 1 year birthday. We plan on taking a drive with the babies. And then, of course, Alex's special meals for the day. I miss him so much. I look to Bobby and Maya and see their brothers and sister in their faces, and it hurts. So deeply.

***

Well, my (free) time is over. Dinner for grow-ups needs to go in the oven.