Ups and Downs

In wonderful news, we were finally able to hold Maya again. She is stable enough to come out of her isolette. Thank you, God. She isnt allowed to nurse because of the CPAP, but while her feed was hung, I propped the pacifier against my chest and she just went to town. That piece of silicone is the only thing that calms her down when she is throwing a fit right now. I wish I could offer her something more. As it is, I am as close to being inside that piece of plastic as the little arm doors allow. She is finally dressed and the temp is down to 28, which means she'll be in her crib soon. Because it is easier to keep the CPAP in place, I think they will wait to put her in her crib until she is back to the cannula (which we were told would be yesterday but now are told will be today). Her CPAP went down to 5 last night. She is so miserable with it. She will slam her little head face first into the bed. Then, she cries because it hurts. So, I'll hold her head and calm her and then, right when I think she is starting to really calm down, she will do it again. It is heartbreaking to watch. I want to rip that mask right off of her (especially since, when she gets it off, which is often, she saturates around 99-100). The doctors are being extra cautious because they dont want a repeat of Monday. Which we totally get. But we wont see a repeat until the steroids wear off, which will be this weekend.

Can anyone find what is different with this picture than ones previous?

Figured it out yet?

No? Okay, I'll tell you... Bobby is now at 100% feeds and no longer has an NG or OG tube. Our little chipmunk took in 80cc's at one feeding! Although, he seems to keep himself in the 50s and 60s. Unfortunately, I think he is the type that, if you put it in front of him, he will eat. And eat. And eat some more. He'll breastfeed until he falls asleep and then, the second he's moved, will latch on and suck again. No complaints from that end, though, since I know he cant really overeat at the breast. From the bottle... That's another story. I keep asking the nurses to NOT put so much in front of him. He will take whatever he's given!

But, as any NICU parent knows, this new and exciting development signals the beginning of the end... We were told to bring his carseat up last night. So, now it sits on his shelf, awaiting respiratory therapy to do his one hour challenge. We will see what this holds...

I spoke to them about what it means for us if we have one baby home and one in the NICU. The hospital's policy is no visitors under 17 due to H1N1. Thankfully, the NICU seems to make their own policies and they told us that IF Bobby is not exposed to anyone other than us and IF he is not around anyone who isnt vaccinated and IF he isnt around children and IF we maintain a healthy household (ie we dont get sick), then he will be allowed to come into the NICU in a carrier. They wont intervene with his care, of course, and if he gets upset or needs to be fed, etc, it has to be done in the parent room, but he will be allowed in to visit his sister.

This is a godsend. The patient advocate was actually talking to the head of neonatology about us and they came and chatted with me. I guess we are going to be the test case of this new policy that is against the hospital one. I hope it is successful for others. I met a mom in trans 2 weeks ago who couldnt bring in her one twin to see the other and it was rough- and they did it only for 2 days! I cant imagine... Not even one day... So, we will still figure out visits at night, but this means that I can go in and visit during the day. Bobby will count as the second person, except when visiting with Peter (when the 3 of us can be there).

So... It looks like Bobby may be home this weekend. And that Maya wont be. And part of me feels like that with 2 (relatively) healthy babies, I have no room to complain. But I am crushed. Utterly destroyed. I feel horrible that I feel this way when Bobby is at the end of his NICU road and he will be home, where he belongs. I should be overjoyed. And a part of me is thrilled. Because my little boy is coming home! And we have waited SO long for this day. But that is tempered by the knowledge that Maya isnt. That she has to stay behind. That she was on her way out the door too and because of this setback, her car seat remains in my car and her nipple feeds are a 0%.

She is a trooper and a fighter. Peter thinks she will go to complete nipple feeds as soon as she gets off the CPAP and is able to eat again. I hope he is right. I hope that this weekend shows her little trachea is healed completely and that a relapse is impossible... That she will be back to her old self and that we will have her taking her car seat test and ready to go home too... Soon...

Thanks for the prayers. Keep 'em coming!