So, I'm feeling a bit frustrated... Both Dr. Bailey and Lisa, our Bradley instructor, have recommended prenatal yoga and, as terrified as I am, I recognize, as a former teacher and writer on yoga, that it would benefit me both physically and mentally. I am terrified of what "could" happen, what "might" happen, and the like. I really want to find a class or a teacher who will take me on for something that I can pay. The closest studio would rather not have me in class (and I completely understand why; as a former teacher, having students with special needs and high liabilities isn't fun- a one-size-fits-all class doesn't always work and when you are focused on the majority and not the one student with an issue, you sometimes miss your mark and someone could get hurt). They would take me as a one-on-one with their prenatal instructor, but it's $75/session, and frankly, we can't afford that. The cheapest they have is a bulk, 10 class, sign-up for $610. Assuming weekly, that's 2.5 months! I just dont think we can do it. Peter says we'll talk about it tonight.
Last night in class, Lisa asked me when I thought I'd be able to take a deep breath and believe things will be alright and, honestly, I said "Never". At first, I thought it would be okay once I hit the 20w mark, because that would be the halfway point and the farthest I'd made it. But then you read all the other things that happen. It could be that I make 36w and my baby is stillborn. Or that I could bring a happy baby home who dies at 5w old for no reason... Grief boards and books are great to help you validate your feelings; they also suck because they show you that there are soooooo many other worse things that could happen. And they give you the knowledge that those worse things might happen to you.
I dont want to think that. I want to believe that all will be well. Thus far, all has been well. Blood tests have been high, ultrasounds have shown a bouncing baby, hearbeats have all been strong. There are no reasons why this baby wont be born in another 28-30 weeks, perfectly healthy and happy. None at all. So why can't I get the fear out of my head? Why can't I be one of those normal, pregnant women without any fear or angst? Oh, wait, it's because I know there isn't always a happy ending to the fairytale...
I miss Nicholas and Sophia so much. Next Thursday, Sophia would be 8m old... Nicholas 8.5m old... I want my babies back... I want to have two little ones underfoot and a belly full of another happy baby. I want three breathing, healthy babies, not two gone and one that I'm so fearful for. I miss my children...
You are not alone in feeling fearful, most pregant women even in optimal health situations are fearful. But your fears are your fears, The trick is to acknowledge them but not them them consume you. (something I have been working on for a long time.) I remember when Ruby went through that scary point at her birth, and feeling scared for her all the time, even after she was fine, even months and years later. I think to some extent it still scares me. As a parent you will always feel that to some degree. I know given your past experiences that it's hard to remain positive and confident. Perhaps keeping in mind the team of people around you who will do all they can for you and Peter and the baby will help a bit. You have our love and prayers and all our blessings for a healthy happy baby!
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