Today is my Sophia's 8mo birthday and my heart is so broken. This month has been the hardest without them. It is just so hard. I cry and cry and just hold onto their things. Today, I keep kissing their pictures. I remember the two weeks we had with her after Nicholas had died and the way she moved from side to side, almost as though she was searching for him, missing him. Peter actually broke down and said that he's always seen those two weeks as a blessing because we were still hanging onto her, but today saw it as heartbreaking because she was without her brother, her partner in the womb, her best friend as it was... We both just bawled.
This pain doesn't go away, even as a new life grows inside of me. And I feel so terrible. I am so thankful and grateful for this pregnancy and this beautiful baby. But at the same time, my soul aches for the babies who have gone on without me. How I miss them.
Last night, Oct 15th, was infant loss awareness. The idea was that everyone would light a candle at 7pm their own time and let it burn until at least 8pm, so that there would be a wave of light around the world. We lit 5 candles, not all for our own babies but also for other babies who have gone before their time.
My beautiful Sophia... She'd be 8mo today at 6:08pm. Please say a prayer for she and her brother...
My first daughter was born at 6:08. She was term and is now almost 12. I'm very struck by the difference between the small chance of that connection and the vast difference in tiny beautiful Sophia's short life and Ada's that was vigorous from day 1. I know today is not significant to Sophia or Nick, though as then 10th of the month it marks a month until Ada's birthday, but I shall think about them, and you today.
Thank you, Anne. Such kindness...
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