Saturday, January 7, 2012

The Aforementioned Drama

A few posts back, I mentioned that there was drama at Casa Haytko but, at the time, I wasnt ready to really blog about it.  I guess I am now. 

So... December 28th was a Wednesday.  I worked hard getting stuff cleaned and squared away when Peter took the kids to my in-laws for their normal Wednesday and then got a haircut (this was the week he was off from work for the holidays).  We'd planned a lovely afternoon date of hitting up an old favorite restaurant (45 minutes away) and trying to find a coffee shop to just sit and chat afterwards.  No real plans.  Just us.  Hanging out.  I even put on my hoochie boots and a shorter-than-church-allows dress for the occasion!  As I'm finishing up tossing a load of laundry in (I know... So sexy, hot, date appropriate!), my phone rings.  I dont recognize the number.  It takes 3 different calls for the person to finally get through and, by this point, Peter has taken a bag of trash outside to the bin and is waiting on me so that we can get on the road.

It's the birth mother.

A full five weeks after her due date (and 3 weeks after telling me she no longer wanted to work with us).

You guessed it... She's in labor. 

And she wants to know whether or not we're coming to the hospital to 'get the baby'.

I'm amazed that I held it together, to be honest.  The second I heard her voice, and the monitors- including the sound of the baby's thudding heartbeat- beeping in the background, I thought I wouldnt be able to speak because the lump in my throat was so thick.  How I wanted to tell her that we'd be on our way...  How I wanted to hold that child and kiss them and love them and give them all that we could...

Instead, I told her that I was sorry.  That as much as we wanted to come down and take the baby home nad love them forever, that we couldn't.  That, because she wasn't honest about the situation, we couldn't touch on an adoption until she notified the birthfather and he agreed as well...  She said "Alright", (as in alright, we're done then) and hung up the phone.  I could still hear the sounds of the monitor as she disconnected the call. 

And I cried.

No, that's not accurate.  I sobbed.  Like hyperventilating, chest aching, gut wrenching, wailing sobs.  By the time we left, I thought I was okay.  Then I proceeded to cry like a normal person in the car.  By the time we arrive for lunch, my face looks as though I've been outside in the cold for a good hour, and I could pass as a twin to Rudloph.  Thank goodness, having a later lunch meant a nearly empty dining room.  The day passed, we had a nice time together, we talked a lot about the adoption situation and everything else we'd wanted to chat about (namely transforming the lower level of our house into a space good for Peter (i.e. his office and his "man section" with the bar and pool table) and a good space for me to take on yoga clients (since we were going to transform the nursery aka Maya's old room into the kids' playroom).  It was a good afternoon. 

We ultimately decided that we have until June 2012 when our homestudy expries.  We will stay "open" to the pregnancy crisis center we worked with before, with the understanding that saying yes to a parent who has chosen life over abortion but doesnt want to raise the child, means also accepting the role of encouraging her to, whenever possible, consider raising her child with the assistance the Center offers.  Most parents who decide against abortion do raise their children, and do successfully, getting support in baby items, housing, and employment, as well as the opportunity for education and parenting help if they wish.  That's the primary goal, and one we support.  Sometimes parents just need to know that if, at the end of their pregnancy, they arent called to be parents, that other parents are willing.  It's a tough stop to be in as the prospective adoptive parents are concerned, but one that we feel like we can manage- until June.  At that point, assuming no adoption, the homestudy lapses and we are done.  I dont know for how long.  We've talked about reinvestingating it (and doing so with the older/special needs/sibling set we'd initially discussed prior to having Bobby & Maya) when the kids are 5 or 6, and we know what we are doing, as it relates to homeschooling or trying out traditional schooling.  It gives us time to breathe... To heal our hearts a bit too.

We've already been contacted by the Center about parents who are interested.  But we've made ourselves clear to the Director about where we stand.  Because they saw our profile, we're willing to have them consider us in the event they dont parent the baby, but then we are done...  We need a break... Our hearts and our families need a break...  One of the reasons I made getting the nursery into a playroom was that it just hurt too damn much to have Maya say "Baby's room".  And, while I agree that it may very well be a baby's room one day... It's not right now.  And, explaining to them about baby's coming and going, well, it's tough.  And, while life is tough, this tough mama needs a break.  Really.

So, that's the aforementioned drama.  Perhaps not in a small nutshell, but a nutshell nonetheless.


Sophie said...

:( I don't have much to say except wow, that's alot you've been dealing with. I'm so sorry.

I've been a sucky blog reader of late, but I just wanted to let you know I came to see how you were. You are one tough, awesome chick. :)

Big hugs to you and yours. xx

St Elsewhere said...

I just caught up on the back posts pertaining to the drama...and the story of the baby, and what the birth mum was upto.

I am so sorry.

And your decisions sound perfectly rational and reasonable to me, so hang on.


Hillary said...

What a brave thing you did for your family. I can only imagine the pain in your heart as you said no. As in most things child related saying no to them is soo much harder than saying yes. Prayers for you and your family during this rocky time!


Catherine W said...

Oh no. Oh Michele. I can't imagine how painful that must have been for you. What an absolute rollercoaster that doesn't seem to want to stop.

I know it must have been unbelievably hard to say you weren't coming to 'get the baby', I'm sure that your every instinct must have been screaming to go. But I think that you made the right call. You and Peter have been so generous in opening your hearts and your homes to a situation that is so changeable and potentially hurtful. I can understand why you need a break completely, especially having to explain the situation to Bobby and Maya. xo

Baby Smiling In Back Seat said...

That is the kind of drama that no one needs.

I really admire your integrity in saying no because of the birthfather shadiness even though you would so welcome the chance to to parent that baby.

Amy said...

Oh I cannot imagine how difficult that was..and of all days. I will pray for you and Peter at Mass today. The 'I want a large family but cannot seem to have one the conventional way' thing is so very hard and leads one on a rollercoaster of emotions with such highs and such lows...its amazing that our hearts survive. (((HUGS))) The desert of the SW is a change of scenery which you are always welcome to. I'd have your family any time! If that PA to NM drive just wasn't so darn long!