We are slowly but quickly drawing closer to day 98 of pregnancy... The day prior to a full 16w... The day that my beautiful Nicholas was born and worked his hardest to make his tiny lungs breathe. Oh God. I knew this day would come and I knew that it would be harder than it was when Alexander passed that milestone. For the last two weeks, I have counted down the days. And here we are... Day 91... 7 days away. When that day comes it will be only matter of a few days before we see day 106 (when Alexander was born) or day 113 (when Sophia was born). What will I do when (if???) we pass by those days and then these babies are older than their big brothers and sister. What grief will be unleashed? With Alexander, it was day 101 that I finally felt secure in his pregnancy. The day that an ultrasound showed how long and closed my cervix was. The day that I finally felt like "we will make it". 2 days before my cervix dilated and we rushed to the hospital... 5 days before my young son was born. giving us those perfect, wonderful five minutes before meeting his brother and sister face to face. Will I ever feel that secure in this pregnancy? That feeling of "we will make it"? Will it be 24 weeks? 26 weeks? 36 weeks? Ever?
I continue with the positive affirmations and the praying. So far, things seem okay. I still have the clear, watery discharge that rates a 4 on the pH scale (4=normal vaginal discharge). I hate sneezing. I hate "going" to the bathroom. But, the babies are okay. They move (especially Maya, who seems to be located more front forward that her brother) and we sit in moments of bliss as we listen to their heartbeats on the doppler. Things really do look good. I cant really complain. I am so grateful to be here. But the next few weeks are going to be rough. I ask you to bear with me. I may post a lot. I may not post at all. I may post negative thoughts. Or positive ones. I really dont know. Our next prenatal appt is next Thursday, on day 97. Will a positive appt mitigate the pain of day 98? I dont think so... Not after what happened with Alexander. But it will help, I'm sure. The reassurance of seeing them (and seeing a closed cervix) helps.
I have been lax in working on the baby book. We have pictures, I just havent had access to my printer to make pages (my computer is downstairs, but the printers are upstairs). I created pages yesterday on my computer. All that remains is for them to be printed. Peter printed most of the pictures I've asked for, so once I get the pages printed, I'll update about a half dozen at once (from Mother's Day to present). I love working on the books. I still look through the books I created for Nicholas & Sophia and Alexander. I even reread their journals from time to time. I love remembering and seeing them. Their faces are the most beautiful I've seen, as these faces inside are. They are the best parts of their father and I. The very best parts.
As many know, I will be taking P17 shots again with this pregnancy. With Alex, Dr. B. ordered 2 vials of 10ml each, which is 10 shots a bottle. When I reordered, it was under the same order. Imagine my surprise when a 4ml bottle arrived. I called the pharmacy and apparently they got such crap from insurance companies for providing more than a monthly dose that they no longer mix larger bottles. So, instead of 2 bottles for this pregnancy (for a total copay of $40 and no shipping charges b/c of the cost), I now get to order 5 bottles (and because our copay remains $20 for fertility drugs max no matter what, we get to pay shipping on the single bottles since they cant ship more than one at a time, which means a total of $150). That's great. Not that I care if it helps prevent PROM. Hey, I'll pay the full amount that our insurance company pays (in the neighborhood of $350 with shipping) if it means protecting the babies. But I wasn't planning on the extra $90. What does Peter, my scientist say? "I didnt like the 10ml bottle anyway. There was too much risk for contamination with each stick. 4ml is much better and I'm glad they aren't doing the large side anymore." Well, thanks. I know that is true, but could you be a little upset that we are paying more? No sell. At all. And, in the end, $90 is a small price to pay. Shut up, Michele, and be grateful that you have good insurance, where you normally dont pay more than $10 for a drug and no more than $20 for a single shipment of fertility drugs. Just shut up. (Shutting up...)
I'm going to go ahead and say you will not ever feel confident and at ease. You have suffered too much and dealt with loss after loss. However, it sounds like you are doing everything you can to stay sane and healthy and that you are honoring all of your babies in the best ways. I hope weeks from now you are posting about reaching past all of those sad dates and that you are still pregnant!
We'll be here with you as you pass each milestone with flying colors.
This time will be better! I just know it! I think of you and your sweet babies all the time.
I don't know if there will ever be a time during our pregnancies when we can relax. I hope so!
I don't understand insurance companies. Sometimes what they do and what they require are so random.
I hope that for you after 30 weeks or so you'll be able to relax and enjoy the last months of pregnancy more fully. It is so hard to know so much about what can go wrong and to have experienced what so many know only as statistics. I'm keeping you and your babies in my thoughts and sending lots of hope that these babies will make it beyond a point at which their existence can be counted in days and years and you have to move on to decades and generations.
I can't imagine what you are going through but I am so impressed with how you are handling everything. You have a lot pf people pulling for you and these babies!
oh and I can totally relate to the shock of insurance switching things up on you causing you to spend more money. It';s happened to me more times that I want to count!
Thank you so much for commenting on my blog. I really appreciate it. The pictures of your babies are beautiful. I started with the story of Nicholas and Sophia, and I am looking forward to reading the rest. I pray that you are able to enjoy your pregnancy. I can't imagine how truly hard it must be.
Yes, I too would have been stunned by the sticker shock. But, Peter's right. In the grand scheme of things, who cares? And is IS much more sanitary. Good call Peter. :)
I will pray, hope, dream. Whatever it takes to get you through these days with your sanity intact. Post 100 times a day if you need to do so. (Keep in mind I'll be gone a few days, so don't fret if you don't hear from me. I'll check in when I get back from Little House on the Prairie.)
Peace, my friend.
Thinking of you and hoping you quietly pass through those 'days' and move right on to month 9 and 'D' as in healthy Delivery Day as uneventfully as possible.
You will definitely be in my prayers over these next few weeks!
Thanks you for your kind comment this past week :)
Thinking of you as you approach these difficult milestones.....
THinking of you at this time. Holding my breath each day with you.
i became a wreck as i inched closer to 16w2d, which fell on thanksgiving during the ham's pregnancy. i worked myself up so much on 16w1d (the day i actually went into labor with the twins) that i really did start to feel crampy. not good :( i know these milestones will be hard, but once you are past them, hopefully you will start to feel a little, tiny bit better.
I know for me passing each loss date was important in how "safe" I felt, as did passing those big high-risk milestones -- 24w, 26w, 32w (right where I'm at), 36w (my next milestone). I wouldn't say that I feel safe about the pregnancy yet -- will that ever happen? -- but I do feel somewhat safer about having a living baby now. Even if the 17P injections suddenly stop working and I go into labor, I know I now have a pretty good chance of having a baby who lives without long-term complications.
I think when you've experienced loss, especially when it's been a series of losses like yours, it would be completely normal to never take one moment or one experience for granted. You know for a fact, as I know for a fact, that every day you get is a miracle. I'm praying for you as your move through these most important days.
I'm wishing you peace each day that you grow your beautiful babies.
Your blog is an encouragement to me.
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