We are slowly but quickly drawing closer to day 98 of pregnancy... The day prior to a full 16w... The day that my beautiful Nicholas was born and worked his hardest to make his tiny lungs breathe. Oh God. I knew this day would come and I knew that it would be harder than it was when Alexander passed that milestone. For the last two weeks, I have counted down the days. And here we are... Day 91... 7 days away. When that day comes it will be only matter of a few days before we see day 106 (when Alexander was born) or day 113 (when Sophia was born). What will I do when (if???) we pass by those days and then these babies are older than their big brothers and sister. What grief will be unleashed? With Alexander, it was day 101 that I finally felt secure in his pregnancy. The day that an ultrasound showed how long and closed my cervix was. The day that I finally felt like "we will make it". 2 days before my cervix dilated and we rushed to the hospital... 5 days before my young son was born. giving us those perfect, wonderful five minutes before meeting his brother and sister face to face. Will I ever feel that secure in this pregnancy? That feeling of "we will make it"? Will it be 24 weeks? 26 weeks? 36 weeks? Ever?
I continue with the positive affirmations and the praying. So far, things seem okay. I still have the clear, watery discharge that rates a 4 on the pH scale (4=normal vaginal discharge). I hate sneezing. I hate "going" to the bathroom. But, the babies are okay. They move (especially Maya, who seems to be located more front forward that her brother) and we sit in moments of bliss as we listen to their heartbeats on the doppler. Things really do look good. I cant really complain. I am so grateful to be here. But the next few weeks are going to be rough. I ask you to bear with me. I may post a lot. I may not post at all. I may post negative thoughts. Or positive ones. I really dont know. Our next prenatal appt is next Thursday, on day 97. Will a positive appt mitigate the pain of day 98? I dont think so... Not after what happened with Alexander. But it will help, I'm sure. The reassurance of seeing them (and seeing a closed cervix) helps.
I have been lax in working on the baby book. We have pictures, I just havent had access to my printer to make pages (my computer is downstairs, but the printers are upstairs). I created pages yesterday on my computer. All that remains is for them to be printed. Peter printed most of the pictures I've asked for, so once I get the pages printed, I'll update about a half dozen at once (from Mother's Day to present). I love working on the books. I still look through the books I created for Nicholas & Sophia and Alexander. I even reread their journals from time to time. I love remembering and seeing them. Their faces are the most beautiful I've seen, as these faces inside are. They are the best parts of their father and I. The very best parts.
As many know, I will be taking P17 shots again with this pregnancy. With Alex, Dr. B. ordered 2 vials of 10ml each, which is 10 shots a bottle. When I reordered, it was under the same order. Imagine my surprise when a 4ml bottle arrived. I called the pharmacy and apparently they got such crap from insurance companies for providing more than a monthly dose that they no longer mix larger bottles. So, instead of 2 bottles for this pregnancy (for a total copay of $40 and no shipping charges b/c of the cost), I now get to order 5 bottles (and because our copay remains $20 for fertility drugs max no matter what, we get to pay shipping on the single bottles since they cant ship more than one at a time, which means a total of $150). That's great. Not that I care if it helps prevent PROM. Hey, I'll pay the full amount that our insurance company pays (in the neighborhood of $350 with shipping) if it means protecting the babies. But I wasn't planning on the extra $90. What does Peter, my scientist say? "I didnt like the 10ml bottle anyway. There was too much risk for contamination with each stick. 4ml is much better and I'm glad they aren't doing the large side anymore." Well, thanks. I know that is true, but could you be a little upset that we are paying more? No sell. At all. And, in the end, $90 is a small price to pay. Shut up, Michele, and be grateful that you have good insurance, where you normally dont pay more than $10 for a drug and no more than $20 for a single shipment of fertility drugs. Just shut up. (Shutting up...)