Friday, June 19, 2009


This is not how I pictured this moment
Not how I imagined this
Not what I had planned

In my mind, I saw this happening so many ways
Through tears
Through pain
But always with time
So much time

Your hands reach for me
I hold you as much as I can
Feeling you move in my hands
Your heart beating beneath my fingers

Your strong heart
You have such a strong heart
My sweet prince

You kick and my fingers caress your long legs
Your tiny toes, so perfect, lick at my wrists
Your tiny fingers grasp my finger
I must be in heaven even though I am in hell

I cant see you
The fog descends and you are the important one
The one that we must save
The one that we must fight for

Our little fighter
You are such a strong boy
My sweet prince

The time was short
Although in those instances
Life went on forever

I didn’t hold you enough
Love you enough
Hug you enough
Kiss you enough

God, could I have that moment back?
Just for a little while?
I promise- I wont be greedy…
Just a little more time…
A do over?

He held you so softly
A father’s touch
So gentle
So perfect
“Our son”

Our son

No one knows the depth of those words
The gravity of the gift
Until it is gone
A light extinguished
A life over before it began

A joy unequaled
A grief unmatched

Our son

My blessing
My heartache
I would give anything to hold you in my arms again
My life
My love

I hold you in my heart until I can hold you in my arms again
I keep you safely in my memories
My arms ache with the emptiness your presence has left
My heart is broken apart by the love that overwhelmed me…

And overwhelms me still.

When the rain kisses me
Or the wind hugs me
You are there

When your father holds me
And my tears come
You are there

You will always be there…
Inside of me…

The pain of this day is just as clear as it was over 16 months ago, when out of the blue, Nicholas was born, just as we were getting ready to sit down to dinner. I've been counting down the days to this point in pregnancy. With angst... God only knows if we will survive this day. With hope... That we will move beyond this heartbreaking milestone. With nostalgia... Remembering the moment, at 7:45pm, when our precious, firstborn son was born to us, with his strong heartbeat and delicate fingers wrapping around our fingers. With sadness... As these baby siblings become "older" gestationally than their oldest brother.

I dont think people fully understand why today (and next Saturday and the follow Saturday) are so hard. They think that we should be thrilled that we are passing these dates and coming one step closer to a full term delivery. And, no doubt, we are happy that we are still pregnant and our twins are doing well. That is the prayer for every day. But, without a frame of reference, most people have no idea the feelings that days like this evoke. With the miscarriages, because they were so early, there is that "please let me get beyond 8w" feeling. Which is still a load of stress, but I think because the chances of miscarriage (especially with PCOS) are high, that I handle that a bit better even though it hurts just as much. But because the risk of 2nd trimester loss is so low... It's one of those anomalies... Where lightening shouldnt strike twice... But it did. Folks dont seem to understand that fear... That pain... That hurt... And worse, most people think that the cerclage fixes everything. No one imagines that one could fail. But they could... And thanks to Dr. Google, I know quite a number of horror stories of failure. I'm holding on to Dr. Bailey's confidence that this stitch is good and is going to hold, but I'm still afraid.

While it may not sound it by this post, I do feel some peace in this pregnancy... That feeling that we are doing 100% all that we can do and that we can't do any more than that. That God is really in control. That, even if the pregnancy ends tomorrow or if one or both of my babies goes to a restful sleep in my womb never to wake again, that I will be grateful for these months. That, while I hope month 5 turns into month 6 and beyond, I am truly thankful for the 4 months that I had, nurturing my growing belly... Singing to them... Holding them... Loving them... No matter what, I wouldnt give that up.

I am sad. I am nervous. God, how I am nervous. Things look good, though, and while that doesnt quell my angst or give me peace of mind, it helps me to breathe. And right now, in this journey of growing babies, breathing is the most important thing.


Donna said...

Breathing is very good for yuo and the babies. ((HUGS)) I hope you can find some peace today.

It's so hard to express how scary this whole pregnancy thing is to so many people. They just assume that everything is good when those of us who have suffered loss know that the fear never really ends - no matter how far along you get.

djordan said...

I just can't imagine what you must be feeling. Hang in there today and good job for continuing to breath : )

Lea said...

We understand, we are here... whenever you need us. I only helps you a little. Continue to breathe.

Strength to you on these difficult days to come.

Barb said...

I'm so sorry for your pain.

Thank you very much for lending me some thoughts and advice though.

Living With Loss said...

Sending you (((((hugs)))))

Inanna said...

Taking big, deep breaths with you, mama.

Busted Tube said...

I wish you peace and strength for today and the coming weeks and months. There's nothing like being on the wrong side of the statistics, it breeds a special kind of fear, but you've had so much courage, I know you can make it.

Catherine W said...

Keep breathing. I can't imagine how hard this is. I truly can't.

This was such a beautiful post, such a tribute to your little prince, Nicholas. Sweet boy.

I feel certain that all five of your little ones know how very much they are loved.


Reba said...

hugs michele, i have been thinking of you a lot.

Angelwingsbaby said...

I just want to let you know that I am here for you and also that I always appreciate all your very kind and thoughtful comments on my blog ((HUGS))

Mommy (You can call me OM) said...

I get it Michele. I get that these are tough days, amidst the joy. 'People' don't get a lot of this. They prefer living life with blinders over their eyes.

I'm hoping, praying, and dreaming along with you. I'm wishing you peaceful days to come.