Monday, June 29, 2009

Giving Up the Ghost

I know that there are people who read my blog who have a variety of religious and spiritual beliefs (some of whom espouse no beliefs). And that is okay. This post may strike some people as strange or unreal.... My life experiences have taught me that nothing is impossible... That those we love who have gone before us, our ancestors and our friends, are not "lost" to us, but simply living in a new life... That, sometimes, we are permitted a glimpse into another place... another time... and able to be with these people. I'm not crazy... I'm not a grieving mother whose mind is playing tricks... Truly, I'm not...

I swear, the babies came to me last night and told me that I should relax. That they cant tell me the future but that they can tell me that no matter what happens during this year, that we are good parents to Bobby and Maya... that we have to let go of our fears and give it to God, really. I remember crying in the "dream" and telling them how afraid I was of losing Bobby and Maya, like I lost them, and they smiled and hugged me and told me that I havent lost them. That they are alive, more alive than they could have been have they stayed with us, how they were so excited to have been born to us and to have us as Mommy and Daddy, how they see us every day and feel us and love us and hold us. It was such an amazing moment. I cant really call it a dream. They said how it was okay to miss them but that we have to realize that they are still with us and that to focus on the physical is just one part of life. I didnt want the moment to end. But when I was awake fully, I felt that warm feeling... like I did when they were born... And I felt this huge sense of peace. Not that everything would end as planned or hoped, but that it would be okay. That no matter what, it would be okay.

I know that I will still worry. What parent doesnt? I know that the next week will be hard as we approach Sophia's gestational birth date. But, something has changed. I can't explain what it really is. I really cant. It isnt that "oh, we are over the "hump" so things will be fine" like I had started feeling with Alexander. It's totally different from that. I really dont have words to explain it. I know that things might not end as we have planned. There may be no baby shower... No birth that ends with two living, healthy babies... No 36 week cerclage removal and natural delivery... Things could end tomorrow or in November... I dont know. I wont know. The thing is, that's what my focus has been. When will it end? When will I go into labor? Is this a sign of labor? Is that a sign of labor? Is the stitch holding? What am I doing wrong? What am I not doing? I have enjoyed the pregnancy to a degree, but I've been holding onto the ghost of a premature delivery, a cervix dilating without being able to stop it, a baby dying that all I can do is hold and talk to as it happens. And how can we not, when this has been our experiences? When everything has been 24w, 24w, 24w. Not enjoying 15w, 16w, 17w. Not enjoying the development of today because we are so focused on the development of tomorrow. I swore I wouldnt let one day pass me by and in my fervency, I have lost some of those days... Those days when all I could think about was "God, let me get X more weeks".

Nicholas, Sophia, and Alexander see the truth that even I've tried to keep quiet. That, in spite of all my spiritual beliefs and behaviors, pregnancy brings out the fraud in me. The belief that somehow I have control and then, when something shows me how little control I have, it sends me into a tailspin. You all see some of it because I try to be honest here. But most people dont. Most people get the "I feel great" answer and the face to go along with it. But it's been a lie. I havent been fine. I've been wrestling with the statistics and trying to convince myself that we'll get to a certain point, not celebrating each day and knowing, rather, that we will get to their birthdays. And those are the important days- whether they happen this week, in August, or in November. My children have called me on it. They've convicted me. They've put it out there for me to no longer ignore.

I'm not crazy. They arent in my head. They were here, with me, in my arms. I felt their kisses and smelled their hair. They told me the truth that I refused to see, and they gave me the answer. "Give it up". Give up the ghost. Let it go and let it be.

Today is a good day. I have some discomfort. I'm still sneezing every now and again. But it is a good day. The sun is shining. My babies are moving and playing soccer with my bladder. The baby day-by-day tells me that, yesterday, meconium began accumulating in their bowels. Today, they have pads on their fingertips and toes that are beginning to look like yours and mine. And tomorrow, their ears will be sticking out from the sides (and if they are anything like their daddy, their ears are REALLY sticking out) and their eyes are in their final position. It's a good day.

Peter had my mother's ring cast at a local jewelers. I have an Irish claddagh band that I love and he is having the mother's ring made in that image, with his and my birthstones on either side, and then, by boys on his side, and girls on mine, their birthstones drilled in. The head jeweler is working on it, since it is such a tough design, and he expects it in 3-4 weeks to be finished. They are currently looking for natural alexandrite for my stone, which is neat, since it is rare. If they cant find it, they'll go with synthetic, but I love the idea that they are actually looking for it. Peter is peridot. On his side, it will be followed by an amethyst and a citrine; mine is followed by an amethyst. We will see what the next two stones will be. I'll post a picture once it is done.

Thank you all for riding the wave with me on Saturday about the mucus. I havent had any since. I sat down (with my feet up!!!) on the patio and enjoyed some of the sunshine and nice weather with my girlfriend, Sarah. Then, in the evening, Peter took me for a short drive and trip to the grocery, where I was in a wheelchair. It was nice to enjoy some of the weather, and feel normal. The babies have been very active over the last few days. I've been able to feel them without my hands on my belly, and Peter has been able to feel them when he puts his hands down. He gets so excited each and very time. I wish I could give you all those feels of movement, so that you could know how much your support helps these babies grow and thrive.

Now, before this becomes a book, I will post it. It's a good day. Smile. No matter what, it's going to be okay. Even if things arent going the way we want... Even if they dont end the way we desire... It's going to be alright. Let go of the ghost.


momto558 said...

After many years of trying to get pregant with my youngest..a few days before my surgery to see if my tubes could be repaired.My hubby and I were at my MIL's grave.It was a beautiful sunny,warm,Easter day.As we placed tulips in her vase.We stood there for a moment and I said"well mom,do you think we will have good luck on thrus. with the surgery".With that her tulips all opened.My hubby looked at me in disbelieved.None of the other gravesites with had tulips also were opened.Well,my surgery was a sucess and as you know...Donnie was born at 38 weeks...Perfectly healthy.God shows us signs in many ways...I think God was trying to tell you something thru your babies.Keep the faith.Bobby & Maya will be fine:)Hugs,Michele

Donna said...

What a beautiful vision! I'm so glad that your babies were able to bring you such comfort.

I know exactly what you are saying about not enjoying today becasue you are too worried about what tomorrow will bring. I'm trying so hard to overcome that. I told myself I wouldn't let it be that way this time. But there I am...

More than anything I'm just really, really happy for you, Maya and Robert.

Misty said...

I understand. And I also believe with my whole heart, the same as you do.

Anonymous said...

How beautiful!! I firmly believe that God answered our prayers for your peace in this way! My family and I have been praying alot for you guys.I'm also glad to hear that you are feeling better today.
May God continue to bless you and Peter with His peace and strength :)

Muriel said...

Yes they were with you! May their joy and love envelop you and give you peace. It is soooo difficult to give up our sense of control but you are right- we have so little control. Put your feet up and enjoy every moment with Maya and Robert as your other children hold you and bless you with their love every day.

Simbelmyne said...

I am so glad you've had this vision to give you peace. It is lovely how they are reaching out to you.

Kate said...

I am so glad that they communicated so clearly that everything is going to be ok
and that really
everything is ok. I am so happy to hear of your peacefulness, and it must have been so magical to have them so close where you could feel them.

I am sorry for your weekend scare, and don't ever hesitate to ask for reassurance from the doc folks, truly. You are allowed to. And in this day having a more peaceful heart?
I am so so happy for you.


Mommy (You can call me OM) said...

Oh, Michele. That's amazing. I yearn for something like that where I can see E and communicate with her. The closest I've gotten is a sort of daydream where she's with our sweet dog, H, who also died.

You do sound so much more peaceful than you did a couple days ago. I am amazed by your ability to really 'let go and let God.' It is my favorite expression, yet I know I fail to truly live it. For me, it's as if I let go but only if things go the right way. Once they start going off course, I pick it back up again. You've truly reached a point where you're simply letting go.

I can't wait to see the ring. :)

Peace, my friend.

Reba said...

like others you mentioned in your post, i am one whose beliefs are uncertain at best. but i believe what you wrote. i have never had that type of communication with my twins, but i have had at least one clear message--an indisputable one, even to a nonbeliever as i believe myself to be. hugs to you and all your babies, and thank you for the lovely post. it made me cry.

Bluebird said...

What a beautiful post! I am so happy for you because I can feel just so much peace and conviction pouring from your words. I love nothing more than being forced to realize how much our babies change us every single day. They are serving you well, dear friend.

Anonymous said...

I was thinking about your post this morning, and it seems that this bed rest is giving you a chance to grieve and make a place for Maya and Bobby. It is so hard when your heart is so full of losses,and you must soldier on, to just let the loss flow out.
Thanks for sharing this dream and your reflection on it.

Tammy On the Go said...

this is a beautiful post and I am so glad that God has given you a sign to cling to.

Barefoot said...

Of course they are with you. Thank you for sharing such a beautiful story!

Kim said...

you are a fabulous writer... that was beautiful :)

Ange said...

Thinking of you often and wishing so many good things for you all. Much hugs

Catherine W said...

This is so beautiful.

Your babies are such very wise souls, so very wise. I have a suspicion that it might be in the genes.

I don't believe you have lost them. They are with you and Peter for always. They all have a very, very special Mommy and Daddy.

I know that if I am every pregnant again, I will also be 24w, 24w, 24w. I've never been that pregnant. But your little ones are right, you are right. We just have to enjoy what we are given. We don't actually have any control at all and that is very difficult to accept at times. But we have to try and let go.

Much love to you and your family. xx