I know that there are people who read my blog who have a variety of religious and spiritual beliefs (some of whom espouse no beliefs). And that is okay. This post may strike some people as strange or unreal.... My life experiences have taught me that nothing is impossible... That those we love who have gone before us, our ancestors and our friends, are not "lost" to us, but simply living in a new life... That, sometimes, we are permitted a glimpse into another place... another time... and able to be with these people. I'm not crazy... I'm not a grieving mother whose mind is playing tricks... Truly, I'm not...
I swear, the babies came to me last night and told me that I should relax. That they cant tell me the future but that they can tell me that no matter what happens during this year, that we are good parents to Bobby and Maya... that we have to let go of our fears and give it to God, really. I remember crying in the "dream" and telling them how afraid I was of losing Bobby and Maya, like I lost them, and they smiled and hugged me and told me that I havent lost them. That they are alive, more alive than they could have been have they stayed with us, how they were so excited to have been born to us and to have us as Mommy and Daddy, how they see us every day and feel us and love us and hold us. It was such an amazing moment. I cant really call it a dream. They said how it was okay to miss them but that we have to realize that they are still with us and that to focus on the physical is just one part of life. I didnt want the moment to end. But when I was awake fully, I felt that warm feeling... like I did when they were born... And I felt this huge sense of peace. Not that everything would end as planned or hoped, but that it would be okay. That no matter what, it would be okay.
I know that I will still worry. What parent doesnt? I know that the next week will be hard as we approach Sophia's gestational birth date. But, something has changed. I can't explain what it really is. I really cant. It isnt that "oh, we are over the "hump" so things will be fine" like I had started feeling with Alexander. It's totally different from that. I really dont have words to explain it. I know that things might not end as we have planned. There may be no baby shower... No birth that ends with two living, healthy babies... No 36 week cerclage removal and natural delivery... Things could end tomorrow or in November... I dont know. I wont know. The thing is, that's what my focus has been. When will it end? When will I go into labor? Is this a sign of labor? Is that a sign of labor? Is the stitch holding? What am I doing wrong? What am I not doing? I have enjoyed the pregnancy to a degree, but I've been holding onto the ghost of a premature delivery, a cervix dilating without being able to stop it, a baby dying that all I can do is hold and talk to as it happens. And how can we not, when this has been our experiences? When everything has been 24w, 24w, 24w. Not enjoying 15w, 16w, 17w. Not enjoying the development of today because we are so focused on the development of tomorrow. I swore I wouldnt let one day pass me by and in my fervency, I have lost some of those days... Those days when all I could think about was "God, let me get X more weeks".
Nicholas, Sophia, and Alexander see the truth that even I've tried to keep quiet. That, in spite of all my spiritual beliefs and behaviors, pregnancy brings out the fraud in me. The belief that somehow I have control and then, when something shows me how little control I have, it sends me into a tailspin. You all see some of it because I try to be honest here. But most people dont. Most people get the "I feel great" answer and the face to go along with it. But it's been a lie. I havent been fine. I've been wrestling with the statistics and trying to convince myself that we'll get to a certain point, not celebrating each day and knowing, rather, that we will get to their birthdays. And those are the important days- whether they happen this week, in August, or in November. My children have called me on it. They've convicted me. They've put it out there for me to no longer ignore.
I'm not crazy. They arent in my head. They were here, with me, in my arms. I felt their kisses and smelled their hair. They told me the truth that I refused to see, and they gave me the answer. "Give it up". Give up the ghost. Let it go and let it be.
Today is a good day. I have some discomfort. I'm still sneezing every now and again. But it is a good day. The sun is shining. My babies are moving and playing soccer with my bladder. The baby day-by-day tells me that, yesterday, meconium began accumulating in their bowels. Today, they have pads on their fingertips and toes that are beginning to look like yours and mine. And tomorrow, their ears will be sticking out from the sides (and if they are anything like their daddy, their ears are REALLY sticking out) and their eyes are in their final position. It's a good day.
Peter had my mother's ring cast at a local jewelers. I have an Irish claddagh band that I love and he is having the mother's ring made in that image, with his and my birthstones on either side, and then, by boys on his side, and girls on mine, their birthstones drilled in. The head jeweler is working on it, since it is such a tough design, and he expects it in 3-4 weeks to be finished. They are currently looking for natural alexandrite for my stone, which is neat, since it is rare. If they cant find it, they'll go with synthetic, but I love the idea that they are actually looking for it. Peter is peridot. On his side, it will be followed by an amethyst and a citrine; mine is followed by an amethyst. We will see what the next two stones will be. I'll post a picture once it is done.
Thank you all for riding the wave with me on Saturday about the mucus. I havent had any since. I sat down (with my feet up!!!) on the patio and enjoyed some of the sunshine and nice weather with my girlfriend, Sarah. Then, in the evening, Peter took me for a short drive and trip to the grocery, where I was in a wheelchair. It was nice to enjoy some of the weather, and feel normal. The babies have been very active over the last few days. I've been able to feel them without my hands on my belly, and Peter has been able to feel them when he puts his hands down. He gets so excited each and very time. I wish I could give you all those feels of movement, so that you could know how much your support helps these babies grow and thrive.
Now, before this becomes a book, I will post it. It's a good day. Smile. No matter what, it's going to be okay. Even if things arent going the way we want... Even if they dont end the way we desire... It's going to be alright. Let go of the ghost.