Thursday, March 5, 2009

CD 9

So, we're on Cycle Day 9... Saw Dr. Lee this morning. I had several follicles around 6-7mm and a "front runner" at 10mm, right ovary. I actually thought that more would be going on, follicles would be bigger.... I dont know why. (Could it be the constant, nagging pain in my left ovary???) My lining looked good. Dr. Lee was happy. (So why is the voice in my hand telling my that we're going to fail???)

Tonight and Saturday- Gonal F shots. Back on Monday morning to see how things are going. She things ovulation will be sometime between Wednesday and Friday of next week.

I realize we are already involved in the cycle, but sometimes I want to just give up. I feel like I should be grateful for the three children we have and the time we had with them, and just let this dream of watching children grow up fade away. My job has me on edge and I am basically working right now to pay for treatments. I want a big family. I think that every sacrifice is worth that. But I'm scared of who I might be once (if???) that dream becomes a reality. I'm already someone that I dont recognize at times. Sometimes, I'm someone I dont like. The stress is getting into my inner core and I'm worried that I wont be able to just let it go. Sometimes I fear that more than I fear never getting pregnant again or never going full term in pregnancy.

Perhaps this is just the stress and the hormones talking... God knows I wouldnt cancel this cycle or do anything to impede its success. I'd work 24 hours a day if it meant success...


B said...

I have written this exact post several times.

But, at other times, when the mist clears for a moment. I know I am OK. I can still love and be loved. My life will count for something. no matter what.

And I can see that you will be OK too - you won't be lost to this.

Keep writing

Anonymous said...

You have gone through the unimaginable and survived. You will get through this. Can I just say that you need to be kind and gentle to yourself? You are very good to others and you are a beautiful mum xxxxx

Mommy (You can call me OM) said...

Even if you don't believe it at times, you are incredibly strong. I don't know a single person who has lost three children in two pregnancies, yet still has the strength to persevere. I will be praying for you as you continue working toward your dream of watching your children grow.