Tuesday, March 17, 2009


For Sophia's 13 month birthday yesterday, I baked a cake. (I swore that after a year, I'd stop doing "something" on their monthly marks, but I just can't...) Usually, we go to a local bakery and pick up something small, but this month, I felt the urge to bake. German Chocolate with pecan coconut frosting. It's yummy. :)

I'm so tired and my ovaries hurt. They are so big that they seem to be sloshing around and bumping into everything. And, recently, I've been having headaches and a stiff neck. Not sure what that is all about, other than stress.

I had a wonderful, WONDERFUL tea time with a dear friend this afternoon. I have a meeting tonight for work, so I took the afternoon off and spent some time catching up. It was completely lovely and refreshing. I didn't want to leave.

Peter called me on my way to work and I actually cried the entire way. I felt so de-stressed after hanging with SW. The minute I was on the road to work, the stress creeped in and I thought I would puke. My hands started shaking and my chest was heaving: not a full blown panic attack, but close. I just cried the entire way. The stress here is actually getting worse. And I don't have the guts to just quit. The voice in the back of my head says that if I quit, we can't afford infertility treatments (not to mention some other things that are on the list but that I'd rather not blog about). So, I can't. I want to. And I wonder if a BFP will give me the courage to say "I'm done." I don't know. I just know that I can't keep up this way. It's too hard. And it makes me into a person that I don't recognize, that I don't want to be. I wanted to scream at Peter on the phone- I dont know why, it's not like he did anything. I know I have some past issues about my work and comments he made in the past, but we've talked about them and I should be over them. But everytime I get upset about work, my mind goes to them and I want to just yell at him. And that's not fair. Not to him, and not to me. Especially since I think he'd be okay if I came home and said, "I've given my notice."

Part of me feels like I need a plan. I need to know when my end date would be. Knowing if we conceived this cycle would give me that. I would be able to say, "Okay, this is when I have to do Y and Z, so my last day is X." Financially, I know that, with just our obligations, we can do this. It's other things that I worry about. But, I'll always worry. It's one of my character flaws.

So... We are three days post ovulation and about 64 hours from our progesterone test. Not quite three days out but more than two days. I know it doesn't really tell anything. But I've decided to do HPTs (home pregnancy tests) every day after. Not that I've had success on them, but it makes the time go by. And they are dollar store tests, so at least they are cheap! Perhaps this time I will actually get a line at home, instead of waiting for the blood test results. But I'm not holding my breath.

Thank you for all of the supportive comments. Yes, three follicles could mean triplets. I'm scared, too. It's funny: I see myself as a "twin mom". I had dreams about having twins long before Nicholas and Sophia were even conceived! But the idea of triplets scares the $h!t out of me. I will love every baby we are blessed with and I know that, no matter one baby or three, I will be scared every step of the way. But the more, I think, the more the fear.

I've been praying the St. Gerard novena and the pregnancy rosary. At this point, I dont care if I am superstitious. I will take all the faith I can get.


Anonymous said...

Good luck Michele, try and relax, I know it is hard to do. That sucks that work is stressing you so much. One day at a time :)

Mommy (You can call me OM) said...

Michele -- first, the German chocolate. As a child, I would have HATED that. Why even call it chocolate? I see no chocolate. But today? Mail me some!
Second, can you at least do some job searching? Seriously. Something that would put you into a hopefully more supportive environment and would lift your spirits, not kill them.
You are in my prayers.
And, thank you so much for the super quick blog comment. Wow.

Anonymous said...

I agree with OM, no job should make you feel like this. Often just the process of searching for another job and feeling you have options helps.
I've just deleted the entire rant I wrote about walking away from soul destroying jobs (because I have been there) and I will simply say, praying for you. And if you want to chat more about this, email me. xxxx