Friday, February 20, 2009

I miss my babies

I miss them so much right now. My head pounds, my heart aches, and my whole body feels numb. I've spent the last few minutes in a ball in my office, alone, not knowing how to breathe, let alone how to survive. I think the last 2 weeks has really caught up with me. The lack of guarantees... The feeling that I'm letting my life go on when I don't want it to. I want it to be 13 months ago, when my twins were still inside of me, only I want it to be triplets so that I can have my little Alex, too. I don't want the world to move on. I'd take January 31, 2008 forever. Please? Can't I have it back? Even for a second?

And yet, every day does go on. The sun still comes up and then sets so that the moon can make her appearance. I get a day closer to my June birthday and Peter gets a day closer to his August one. Our children are a day older, a day farther from when they were born, farther from when we were able to hold them inside- safe, warm, loved... alive.

I miss them everyday, but especially today. And I know why. The anniversary of their Memorial Service is a little over a month away. And I'll be attending a baby shower on that day. Normally, I would have declined, but she is a dear friend who lost two babies to early miscarriage. We were pregnant together. She was excited when I found out Alexander was on the way and I joked that he and her Lucy would play together. She's over the halfway point of her pregnancy and is due in early June, a little bit over a month after Alexander's EDD. We were supposed to walk through the parks together, pushing our baby carriages. And now... Now, that won't happen.

I am happy for her. Truly, deep down, I am. I've bought Lucy gifts already (I just can't help it! I've been with her for this pregnancy every step of the way and feel like this little girl is my neice.) But that doesn't stop the fact that I know a baby shower full of happy people who think that nothing could ever go wrong isn't going to hurt. She knows the truth; she knows that things do go wrong and she, unfortunately, deals with these folks on a regular basis. But still... It's going to hurt and I'm not sure how to protect myself from that yet. All I know is that I will be going. Nothing could keep me away.

I've declined invitations for the showers of others, but it wasn't because I wasn't happy for them. I was. I just couldn't deal with the unbridled happiness and the thought that all would be well because, hey, things like "that" happen to other people, not to me. I just couldn't do it. Is it wrong to feel like that doesn't apply because she knows better so I can get through the shower???

If the shower were on another day, I think things would be different and I would be more okay with it. It's because it falls on 3/29, a day that will always remind me of their Memorial Mass and all that followed, a day that is reserved, in my head, for Nicholas and Sophia, that I feel like I'm so unsettled about it.

But maybe that isn't it. Maybe it's just because I can only hold in how much I miss them for so long before I shut down and it all comes out. I have to pretend to have it together at work and everywhere else that, when I can no longer play the role of the "strong woman", I just crack and crumble into a hundred pieces.

I had a bad meeting with my boss earlier in the week. She basically told me that my "peers" at the main library think that, over the last year, I've become a bitch and that I have no patience with their mistakes anymore, that my personality is no longer bubbly and happy all the time, and that, and this is a direct quote, "the last year is no excuse for your bad behavior." While my work is impeccable and my branch runs without a hitch (she stressed that my staff love me and wrote glowing reviews for me in their self performance reviews (which have a question about their supervisor) and my patrons are happy and well treated), she wants me to "take a breath and step back, and realize that other employees have issues. You just have to deal with those and not bring it up to them." Are you freaking kidding me? Really?

I don't even know why I am still here. I didn't walk out because I'd promised one of my staff that I'd do a meeting for her the next day and didn't want to cancel that. But overall, I dont know why I am still here. It's obvious: the paycheck. But even that. It's not worth it anymore. I used to love the library and now... Now, it's a job that stresses me out and keeps me awake at night, has me cry myself to sleep, and keeps me on edge all the time. I try to talk to Peter about it and that doesn't work because we are never on the same page. Part of me holds things against him that I shouldn't. After Nicholas and Sophia were born, I told him how I didn't want to go back to work. He said okay at first, but then as the weeks went on, told me that we wouldn't be able to see Dr. Lee (due to the cost) and how he wasn't sure how things would work out, financially, due to some other outside financial stresses that are on us that I dont want to go into and that are another source of argument between us. Obviously, I got the feeling that he "wanted" me to go back to work. We've talked about it; he swears that was never his intent, but, inside, I still harbor those conversations and can't convince myself, in spite of his pleadings now, to quit. If he said he didn't mean it that way, then that's the truth, I have no doubt of that, but I still can't let it go. I was all square to leave in April with Alexander's pregnancy, but now... Now, who knows...

I don't know... Like I said, the last 2 weeks, with the ovulation/IUI, the shower invite, and the continued bad work situation have all caught up to me. I just need a break. I need to feel like I can just be me and stop being someone else at work and then trying to get back to me at home. And that feels like it isn't an option right now. Add onto that the thought that I **might** be pregnant again and the fears surrounding that, and I feel like a mess of emotions that I can't express because, God forbid, someone else might see.

But, then again, I guess that's what this blog is for.


Bluebird said...

I'm so so sorry. There are no words to make it better. Hopefully it helped some to write it out; I know that that has been my "counseling session."

I'm so proud of you for intending to go to the shower, and I think your feelings about it make complete sense (well, to me at least - but guess that doesn't mean toooo much!) Its like how I don't feel quite the stab of jealously when I find out an IF friend is pregnant as I do when someone "just happens" to get pregnant. Maybe because we sense they value and appreciate it more, whether that be right or wrong? Who knows.

I'll be thinking of you sweetie.

Donna said...


I know the feeling of wanting time to go backwards. I wish I could turn the clock back to Januray 2008 too.

Anonymous said...

Hugs to you.
It's really good to hear you're planning to go to the shower. Perhaps you could have "coffee" with your friend before the shower, to make her feel special, just in case you find yourself unable to go on the day and face a roomful of people?

I hate it when a work situation forces someone to feel the need to hide their true self. It makes me feel like the job is not doing what it needs to do for you, when you do so much for your employer and patrons.
Hugs again.

Reba said...

I'm sorry, I think your supervisor is a b!itch for criticizing your attitude when no one else seems to have a problem with you. Ugh, I hate when people expect us to just spring back to normal after losing our babies. And you've lost three babies this can people think you will be the same, ever?

About the baby shower...I think it is a very sweet sentiment to want to go so badly. But, given the day it's on, I wouldn't go. I would mail the gifts you bought and write a nice note explaining why today is special and you're sorry you can't be there. That's just my 2 cents.

k@lakly said...

Ugh. That's just too much, way too much. I hope it eases up for you, meanwhile just try and take tiny steps andif you need to crawlyin bed and pull the covers up over your head, then do that. It's a great coping mechanism, I've used it myself lots of times!!!

B said...

That's a bundle of trickiness to be sure. I like Simbelmyne's idea about coffee before the baby shower. JUST IN CASE - and it means you can beat a hasty retreat if/when needed. Better before you break down (believe me).

I'm sorry that things are tricky with the job. I actually took 7 months off after Maya died. I guess I had the luxury (financially speaking) to make that choice without it putting a lot of pressure on us. You're right. It is difficult to try and squish your grief into the edges of your life when it is so consuming.

Thinking of you

Anonymous said...

Sweetie, don't feel like you have to be at that shower. It sounds like your friend would completely understand if you wanted to preserve that day for yourself, to remember your babies and deal with your feelings. You have been there with her through her losses and you'll be there with her going forward. You need to take care of yourself right now.

Your boss sounds like a nightmare and I wish you could just quit. I hope that you can get out of there soon because it doesn't sound like it is a healthy environment.

Sending you big hugs!!

Mommy (You can call me OM) said...

Wow. That's a lot to handle. As you know from my blog, I wouldn't have the strength to endure a baby shower yet. Are you sure you have to go? Especially given the date? I just don't want you to push yourself too hard.
I am sorry you are overwhelmed right now. The ebb and flow of grief never ceases to amaze me and surprise me. I will say an extra prayer for you tonight.

nikki wood said...

It's weird how sometimes you can feel like you can make it through the day and be ok, and then all of a sudden the next day you are in total heartbroken state not knowing what to do.

I've felt the same this week. It's been 5 weeks since David left me, and I swear this last week has been one of the hardest. And now Alyssa's birthday is tomorrow.

I want us to have our babies back. I want someone to tell us it's not fair, we didn't deserve it and they can fix it for us. I want to wake up in the morning and find my babies here in the house and this have been a bad dream.

I don't know what God chose us to endure this horrible pain, a pain I know we will carry forever. I feel your pain Michele, and I cry with you.

A n T said...

Michele: Don't feel like you have to go to the shower. I'm sure your friend would understand if you dropped the gift off a couple of hours before. Sorry to hear about the things at the job. I say if its stressing you that much, try to find something different.