Snowed In

The northeastern U. S. (and down into the southeastern as well) was slammed by a fall snowstorm yesterday, our first snowfall of the season.  Sitting here with my hot coffee, I'm watching the sun start to melt through the pristine white that covers my deck and lawn.  It's beautiful.  It feels apropos.

I'm on day 3 of the CBD oil each morning.  Already, I've noticed positive differences.  The things that trigger my anxiety aren't.  The last few days, I haven't yelled.  I haven't sighed written the kids asked to help me do something that I simply needed to get done and didn't really need to delay.    I haven't gotten frustrated when something outside of my plan has happened; I've articulated my feelings and gone on about the day.  I'm here, taking a few minutes to just write and reflect.

Yesterday , caught in snowstorm traffic, I was almost in an accident due to careless driving.  I didn't yell at the other car or shout obscenities from the hidden universe of my own vehicle.  On the way back from the store , traffic was crawling   Ten minutes took over twice that.  I wasn't my typical , annoyed self.  It just was.

As the kids want to snuggle at night and pick the television programming (usually while I'm decompressing study a stressful day ), I've found myself not really caring about what's on the TV and, instead, just soaking in the time with them before they fall asleep. 

Michael looked up at me the other night as I held him while we watched a football game and said, "You're the best mommy ever.". He hasn't said that in a long while.  And it's because I haven't been.  I've been barely breaking even, trying to stay afloat.

I know that part of it is my stress load.  I have to start saying "yes " only to the things I truly need or want in my life, giving everything else a "no". There will be someone else to step in. 

I only have this one life   I want it to matter in the right ways.