I have to be honest. When I started my weight blog in October and, even before that, put out my feelings in September, I wasn't sure where I'd be, come the new year. If I am really honest, then I'll admit that I didnt think I'd be here (or anywhere close). I thought that maybe, just maybe, I'd lose a few pounds but it probably wouldnt last or, if it did, it wouldnt be very much. I felt like I'd tried in the past to diet and nothing. And that, I realized, was my problem. A diet wouldnt work, but a lifestyle change would.
And it has. And I'm so excited! I cant believe that I've lost half of my goal so far. I havent weighed this since the early years of our marriage (when I got pregnant the first time, at the end of 2000, and miscarried Feb 2001, I had gained quite a bit and the weight just kept coming on). When I was training for the triathlon last year, I thought the added exercise would help... and was really disappointed when, at the end of several months, a 5K, and a sprint tri, I had lost... ZERO. Nada. My weight was still 240. No up, but no down. Now, the argument of "muscle weighs more than fat" not withstanding, I was still 240 pounds, still had a BMI of 37.6, and that BMI still registered as "obese" on the charts.
It wasnt until I really evaluated my plate (and my glass) that I saw my problems. It really blows my mind when I think about how much I ate just a mere 4 months ago. The piled high plates, the (God only knows how many) glasses of Coke or Dr. Pepper, the 20-30 ounces of designer coffee... 500 calories in a 20oz Starbuck's mocha. Really? Now, dont get me wrong... There's nothing wrong with one of those every now and then. But I was drinking them a lot (and not always at Starbucks... I make my own high caloric coffees pretty well!).
It wasnt until I realized that what I ate (and how I felt) wasnt just going to weigh my down; it was going to weigh on Bobby and Maya, too.
4 months later, I feel better. I'm lighter, but not just in weight. My personality is lighter. I find that I'm finding new joys in the every day little things. I actually enjoy figuring out healthy meals that are not just delicious but also things Bobby and Maya can share in completely. There was a time where I would give them the "healthy" versions of what I was making. And that led us to establish a household rule: If you wouldn't give it to them to eat, then you probably shouldn't be eating it either. There are exceptions, of course, but they are the exception rather than the rule, and it really promotes mindfulness in eating. (This rule joins If you wouldn't eat it, don't expect them to eat it either. I mean, have you tasted some of the nasty stuff marketed towards babies! Yuck!) That's why feeding the kids from the table is so easy... The choices are positive. I've always liked to cook and this has encouraged me to cook with portion control in mind (it wasnt what I was cooking... it was really how much I was eating).
What is really something, to me anyway, is how, even now, cooking in proportion, I find myself "full" before my plate is empty. And I can tell! There was a time where I couldnt. I remember, in the beginning, talking to Peter and telling him that I couldnt tell if I was full or not. That the whole "shutoff" valve of my brain saying "HEY! STOP EATING! MAXIMUM CAPACITY REACHED!" wasnt working. Now, it doesnt just work, I know when I'm satiated. And that's when I stop eating. It's not about being full anymore; it's about not being hungry.
I didnt realize that our bodies were meant to be satiated not stuffed... That the whole "full" feeling after a meal isnt the way our bodies want to feel. It's not an endorsement of a good meal, it's a sonata to obesity. And, now that I know that, I find myself practicing not just mindful eating, but eating until I'm satiated and no more. The other night, I made some seasoned mixed vegetables (we each had about a cup) and then stuffed a portobello cap and tomato (each). I ate all my veggies but after having half of my mushroom and tomato, I was done. I had been hungry beforehand and, looking at my plate, I easily thought I'd be hungry after dinner! But, no... I was done. Satiated. My tummy didnt want to bust open at the seams and I didnt feel like I needed to just go to bed because I couldnt fathom doing something else.
Some nights, I do have seconds- and that's okay too. As long as it is done mindfully and I'm not eating to that popping point, I just tally the calories and move on. I'm all about enjoying my food and my lifestyle; if it became some sort of deprivation chamber, I'd be miserable and 194 would be the lowest the scale would ever see. If I want one of Peter's homemade cookies, I'm going to have it. If I want to make cupcakes, I'm going to. (And I'm not a proponent of making it "healthy" at the sacrifice of taste. I dont mind healthifying recipes, but they have to taste like perfection in a slice!)
But, I'm rambling... Because I'm really thrilled... I'm at my half-way point! No, I'm over half-way there! I'm 194 pounds!!! Peter and I are celebrating my "crossing the 200 threshhold" on Sunday. (He wanted to do something special and was so sweet as he agonized over whether I'd be upset by his making reservations at our favorite- and I'm sure VERY caloric!- Italian restaurant ... Far from being upset, I'm super excited! Delicious food, wonderful wine, outstanding company... And we're going to a concert first! Even better! I cant wait to enjoy every single second!!!) It really warms my heart that he's so excited for me and wants to my milestones :)
Well... If I dont stop, I'll keep rambling because I'm bursting with excitement. :) So, I'll go... For now...