Monday, January 17, 2011

Breaking Down

15 days until Nicholas's third birthday.  15 days...  a little over 2 weeks...  The period I stayed pregnant with Sophia after he was born.  Yesterday marked a calendar month until her birthday.

Some days, I find myself at peace- a strange sense of peace, but peace nonetheless.  A peace that this is the way my life was always supposed to be (even if I cannot fathom the why's or the couldnt-it-have-been-different's that I often ponder).  I can't believe that any of us are meant to love these perfect little beings we have the honor to call "children" only to have them die.  And yet... That is what has happened...  I have loved  baby after baby after baby... only to be robbed of them in this life.  And still, there is a peace in knowing that they were there at all.  Even for mere moments.

But, in that peace, that knowing, that belief, there is still pain; and sometimes, it rips apart the stillness and takes away my breath.  Saturday night was one of those times.

The hurt was so raw and so real.  The pain was so tangible that I could feel it in my fingers.  The shards of my heart sharply ripped apart my insides until I thought I was vomit.  It was visceral...  cruel...  real.  And the tears came unabated.  While Peter fed Bobby and Maya because I could barely stand, I curled into a ball and let the grief wash over me.  It hurt so much.  I thought my heart would break.  I couldn't breathe; I couldnt even think.  If you asked me to tell you what filled my head in that moment, I wouldnt know where to begin.  I dont know what was there...  Just hurt.

After their dinner, I tried to gain some sort of composure as the children came into the living room to play. Bobby walked next to me and put his hand on my arm, making sweet noises, resting his head against me.  He'd run away to play but kept coming back, as though to tell me that he was there to comfort me... to mend my heart... to help ease my sorrow.

Fifteen days... Three years...  How are we here?  How have we gone on?  How?


Joanna said...

Anniversaries are so tough to deal with. Wish I could help make it better....((hugs))

Kir said...

I have never lost babies, had 4 yrs of infertility hell, but never lost. I cannot tell you how you did this, got through it, but I can sit in silent awe and gentle amazement at it.
You strong wonderful woman, I am so sorry.
I think you did the right thing in letting that grief come and wash over you, those babies will never leave you..or your heart, and better to grieve them when you must and then come back better, somewhat healed.

I am so sorry for your losses, I am so so sorry.

one-hit_wonder said...

I am so sorry, Michele. XXX

Jessica said...

Sending you hugs...

I found your blog after I lost my twin boys. It has helped me so much. In appreciation I am giving you a blog award, you can stop by my blog to see it.

Kristen said...

I had to come back and finish reading this. I keep tearing up. It has been 2 years since my twins. I keep waiting for it to get easier.

Hugs to you

Barb said...

I can't even begin to truly imagine. Just trying is enough. xoxo

Rebecca Frech said...

It will never stop hurting. I hate to be the voice of gloom, but it will always hurt.

There will come a year when the anniversary sneaks up on you and isn't on your brain weeks in advance. There will come a year when the date brings incredible sadness but you don't actually cry. The year will come when you don't spend the entire day thinking about the life that was lost. It will come and it's coming will bring its own pain and angst.

I wish I could say that it ends, but I don' think it does here on earth. I think it recedes but remains. The pain will be there until you can meet them face to face in Heaven.