Monday, May 4, 2009


May 3rd was Alexander's due date. I fully expected him around Easter, honestly, but I just knew I'd be holding him yesterday. I didn't expect him to be a November baby...

I spent most of the weekend on the couch. Inside, I felt sad and rainy, just like the weather. I actually prefered the weather because it felt like Mother Nature was crying with me. I wrote in his journal and reflected on his life on the inside, his labor, his birth, and those precious few moments we had. For some reason, I kept coming back to his labor. My little breech boy who had to be different. When I woke up to a contraction and just knew it was "time", Peter assumed the position and started looking for him. That first push and I heard, "Stop, don't push. I see his foot." I remember laughing. Both at the idea that he was backwards and at the idea of telling a pregnant woman in labor not to push. But I didn't. And Peter reached in and helped his second leg, which was caught make it's entrance into the world. The next push and he told me that he was holding our son. The third push and he was completely out. I could see his little shoulders moving and his legs kicking as Peter held him and kept him warm. With my last ounce of strength, I pressed the call button for our nurse. For whatever reason, this scene played itself over and over again.

As I looked at his pictures, I remembered him putting his little hand up to his mouth, looking to suck the thumb that he had found comforting in the womb. Of all his pictures, that one is my favorite... The one where he found his thumb and went to sleep for the last time. It's the picture that crushes me and the one that brings me the most joy. They all make me smile, but that one, the most.

I know that a due date is an estimation of a child's birthday and that, once that child is born, typically, a due date is forgotten. But for those of us who gave birth prematurely and whose child or children died as a result of that (or who possibly died before we gave birth), those due dates were "the" date. They were the mark in the sand we were shooting for.... and we fell short. And it hurts. That day rolls around as a reminder of the days on the calendar that we missed. The anguish is palpable.

We sang "You Are Mine" in church... Fitting. That was the song we've sang to each of our children immediately after their births. "Do not be afraid, I am with you. I have called you each by name. Come and follow me; I will bring you home. I love you and you are mine."


Mommy (You can call me OM) said...

Oh, my heart just aches for you. That is the sweetest thing, that he sucked his thumb. Just sweet.
I'm thinking of you today. I know these are hard days.
Peace, my friend.

Living With Loss said...

I cannot imagine your pain but I am thinking of you and sending you healing thoughts.

Lynda said...


Your words brought tears to my eyes. My heart just aches for you, words cant express how sorry I am for your loss. Its a horrible thing we endure and I hope that the road you walk gets a little easier to tread.

God Bless.


Cara said...

Michele - always thinking of you as you have so many dates that remind you of your children, but especially with you on edd's.


Anonymous said...

Dear girl, you know I'm always thinking of you. I just wish, I wish I could make it all better, but I can't. Just know you are in my heart xxx

Never forgetting Gregory said...

I am thinking of you on during this sad time. You are absolutely right. Most babies are NOT born on their due dates, but for those of us who lost our babies, we will never forget that date. Hugs to you.

Gabby said...

oh michele - I am so so sorry.. i wept for you as I was reading the birth story. I cannot imagine what you are going through. Your sweet Alexander Angel watches over your family from a place of peace and joy.

Anonymous said...

My heart goes out to you. EDDs are so difficult and only those of us who have lost our little ones can understand.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for your thoughtful and understanding (obviously, unfortunately, through personal experience) comments on my blog. B (Shifty Shadow) mentioned your blog to me and I have been reading the entries.

That is so gorgeous that Alexander sucked his thumb. I have a 19w ultrasound photo of Janaki doing the same thing. And at 16 weeks, my hubby and I saw her do it live, no pictures, but it was only the second time hubby had seen her on u/s and it is a beautiful memory.

Remembering all your beautiful little babies and mine, and wishing still, even though wishing does nothing, that things had been different.

Take care