Am I Still Here???

I'm still here. Work is a lot on my plate right now. (THANK YOU, JO, for dropping off dinner for us. You are so selfless and I feel priviledged to have a friend like you. Jo made homemade soup and rolls, and dropped them on our porch, because she said that going back to work was hard enough without worrying about dinner as soon as I got home. What a dear friend. ) I can't process all that is going on. I'm exausted and fall into some cross between a restorative sleep and being awake, so that the time goes quickly by, but I hear the world around me and am still totally exausted when I "wake up". Last night, I actually slept, thanks to Peter's arms, but it was too short of a sleep and I am still so very tired...

The only thing I've been able to focus on is the Respect Life stuff I work on for Church. Peter and I head up the RL committee, and working on that stuff is the only thing that really brings me any sense of purpose. I feel the kids with me when I am working on it or am at Church. And, as I posted in a previous post, I feel like I am being led to work on that on a more full time basis. Of course, is it that I really am being called or is my mind playing tricks on me??? I dont know...

I had begun writing after Nick and Sophie died, but when I became pregnant with Alex, I couldnt work on the manuscript. It was too much to discuss their labors, their dying... I could do the positives of their little lives and their pregnancies, but not the heart-wrenching stuff... It was too much and I couldn't do it. I've opened the file again. It's so hard.

Peter and I bought what will be the photo album for baby#4. It's shades of blue. Not because we think the baby will be a boy (after all, the journal for baby#4 is pink), but because we liked the book. And the journal was a gift. They are blank. I look at them with the hope that we'll be able to continue expanding our family in God's time and that we'll both be strong enough to endure what happens, be it what we expect or outside of what we can fathom.

On that note, tomorrow will be 1 month until I see Dr. Lee.

Tonight, we are driving down to the Archdiocese. For years, in addition to our adoption desires, we've talked about being foster parents. But, when the time came to "do" something, we've always backed away, believing that we couldnt handle loving and parenting only to lose the child in the end. God has shown us that we never know how long we will have our children, in spite of every good intention and action. Not only that, but it breaks our hearts to know that children feel unloved; ours have felt loved every second of their existence. If we can give even a small portion of that to another child or many children, then our hurt is worth their happiness. And so, on Monday, Peter called, and we are going down tonight for Orientation. It may all come back that we dont meet what they are looking for, but at least we will try. And, frankly, foster parenting is part of the Pro-Life mission as we see it; we should respect all life. And a child who needs love and a home- if that isn't important, what is???

I've been a recluse in my office at work. I can't even exit the office without feeling anxious and sick to my stomach. I hate helping people. I can't even believe that I feel the way I do, especially because this was the job I always wanted and, up to a year ago, I loved it and felt good at it. I was ready to leave to mommy with no regrets, of course. But this... This apathy... This is horrific; and heaven knows, it isn't good for the library. I've got to fish or cut bait soon. This can't continue. They think I'm fine (or maybe that is what they want to think) and I'm not fine. I'm falling apart inside, and no one can or will see it. They just keep piling up tasks and I keep doing them, just to stay hidden in my office.

Have I mentioned that Mother Nature has a new trick she's playing? It's called "Am I Pregnant???" Because I don't ovulate naturally, it's pretty damn unlikely that I've gotten pregnant on my own, however, that doesn't stop Mother Nature from her monumental mind game of giving me the symptoms I've had during each pregnancy: increased CM, tenderness, abdominal soreness and a strange crampiness that isn't like menstrual cramps (not like I have enough of the hormones needed or the lining built up to even have a period anyway...), nausea, nose dryness and stuffiness... The list could be longer, but there's already enough TMI on the page. Take a pregnancy test, you might say. But here is the kicker. I cant registere a positive on a pee test for whatever reason. With Nick & Sophie and with Alex, every urine PG test was negative. Even when I knew my hCG was through the roof because of the blood tests. I took test after test, hoping to see that positive. (I know, that sounds kind of funky, I guess, to waste money on tests, but I really wanted to see it, I wanted to be somewhat "normal" like other people). So, I've taken tests (3 actually) and they are all negative. Not that I'm surprised. But it still makes me feel so sad and angry. Like, I can't even be not-pregnant like everyone else.

Well, I guess I'd better get ready to meet Peter and leave for the city. Traffic is never a pretty thing, and I have to run the lint brush over my black sweater. I moved boxes of used books today to pass the time and I look like a dust ball fell all over me.

I love you, Nicholas. I love you, Sophia. I love you, Alexander. I just felt the need to say that.