PostPartum News

In addition to horrible back and neck pain, my blood pressure has been extremely high (the highest reading was on Monday afternoon, 158/104). Peter called our OB and he faxed over blood tests, which we had done Tuesday morning. Dr. B. called this afternoon and thinks that the issue is postpartum pre-eclampsia. In addition to high pressures, my uric acid results were elevated, along with liver enzymes. He wanted to admit me to the hospital tonight, but I feel so much better than I did even yesterday that I asked him if, assuming my BP doesn't spike again, if I could stay home and come in tomorrow. He said that, as long as that stayed the same (bottom numbers not in the 100s) and that I had no screwed up vision, then fine. But if either of those change, then to the hospital ASAP. I have to go down tomorrow for more testing and a consult, with the possibility of admittance. My best friend, Sarah, is driving me down. It took a lot of convincing for Peter to go back to work today; he accepted several meetings for tomorrow and I didnt want him to cancel. It took hours to convince him of that, but we agreed that, if I have to be admitted, I will call him and he will come down; if Dr. B. wants to talk and consult, then I will call him on speaker. If things start to go downhill, he will come ASAP. But if it is just going to be testing and reflexes, then he will stay at work and we will touch base when I get home.

I've tried to do things today. I worked on Alexander's photo album. I finished updating it with the pregnancy things I still had left and I put his pictures in it today. Now, all it needs is his birth story, why we chose his names, and his little name cards. Once those are done, it is finished. I still havent updated his journal... I just havent been able to...

We put up his pictures, too. Our friend, Chelsea, who made a beautiful needlepoint for Nick and Sophie, made one for Alex, too. We hung that, and we added Alexander's pictures throughout the house. It is so nice to see them... So very nice... I love having our babies' pictures everywhere.

I feel so sad... My head is pounding (like usual) and my back and neck are killing me. That is worse than the pressure in my head from the high BP. It is just this intense pain. It happened post Nicholas and Sophia as well, more post Sophia than post Nicholas. Peter said it probably is the lack of relaxin and that now I am really feeling the "normal" neck and back pain that I have, but am usually used to. It hurts like hell...

People are dumb... This is my belief... They dont know what to say so they say dumb things... The two dumbest things of this week??? "One day you'll have a 'real' baby" (i.e. a baby who lives)... "I told people you'd lost another one" (i.e. they're just like shoes, sometimes you just lose one)... OMG, pissed off doesn't beging to define how I feel at times. I know they dont know what to say... I know that they dont mean any harm, but... I love my babies. I love them regardless of the fact that they have died. If they'd lived months or years, I'd still love them. The only difference is that I'd have more memories. If they were 10 when they died, would someone say something as stupid as "one day you'll have a baby that lives"? Probably not. (Although who knows?) Maybe they could just acknowledge our babies for who they are, say they are sorry (this is a normal response), and not say anything else if they have nothing else to offer. Telling a grieving parent that "one day" there will be a "healthy" baby that lives... Not good. And, point of interest: my babies have all been healthy. It hasn't been their issue... It's mine...

I talked to Dr. B. on the phone today and he seemed, again, so sad. He actually said that he reviewed our case with another doctor, looking for something he could have done differently. But he couldnt find anything. The risk was just so high and our results were also so high and good. The risk just wasn't outweighed and the risk to Alex was so high... We wouldnt have done the surgery with the results we had and the risk to our little low implanter... I told him that today, that we felt we received outstanding care and that he did all he could. Next time, of course, we will do the surgery after the 12w mark, even with all the risks... We all agree on that... But even he said "It's horrible that all I can offer you is next time, when you're going through this for the third time... It's not fair that all I can offer you is the hope that next time we'll be able to save your baby... I'm sorry." It means a lot to hear that he understands. It really does. I'd drive hours to see Dr. B.

I feel so sad inside. I haven't eaten all day, not since yesterday morning actually, but I don't feel hungry. I think Peter is hungry, though. I should make him dinner.