Thursday, December 18, 2008

I Can't Believe I'm Here Again

I'm planning another child's Memorial Mass. I can't believe this. My baby son... My little boy... The little one whose Christening Gown sits half finished across the room. Instead of his baptismal party, I'm ordering food for the "light luncheon" aluded to on the notice of when his Mass will be held.

After Nicholas and Sophia, we waited 6 weeks to have a service. Part of that was the utter shock and despair- neither of us was even able to talk to our priest. He was our parochial vicar (asst. pastor) and we had gotten close to him with our RCIA work (he ran the RCIA program). He was okay with letting us wait and, because of the Easter season, we ended up pushing it back to the week after. He is no longer at the parish, and we've been talking with the pastor about the service. It's Saturday. As in the day after tomorrow. There are two reasons for this. It's more "correct" to have a service right away. We aren't doing a burial, so this isn't all that important to us, but it is more "the right way" of doing things. Also, Christmas is soon, and then we are away the week after, and then in January, there are things planned on the weekends (for the church and for us). I'd prefer not to do a weekday because of work and family travel. Which leaves booked weekends. And I dont want this in February. Nicholas's Mass intention is scheduled for the 31st of January since Feb. 1st was taken, and Sophia's is scheduled on her birthday, on the 16th. I don't want something else in there, and I don't want to wait until March to have Alexander's service. Sunday will be 4w since he was born, and Tuesday will be the full month mark.

This is rough because our family is spread out. So, combined with the holidays, we've already had a huge number tell us that they can't make it. Which is okay. The service is to celebrate him and is for us. But still, it saddens me that folks will miss out on his gathering. Especially because there isn't a chance to make "the next one". It breaks my heart.

I can't believe I'm in the place again... This place where you are trying to make everything perfect because you know there won't be a second chance... This place where you have one moment to share the life of your child in a fleeting instant...

I ordered the food. I'm meeting with our pastor this morning. I'll start cleaning the house tonight. I have to finish working on the Mass booklet. I need to mail the Christmas cards. All these peripheal things... All the things that don't matter because the only thing that matters is my children. The ones whose stockings hang on the wall, who have gifts under the tree. The ones who wont rip the paper off and stumble from person to person. The ones that my arms are empty of and long for.


Anonymous said...

I know how you feel about planning a ceremony for our children. It was one of the most difficult and comforting things that I have ver done. I agree it is for you and your husband, I felt the same way. We had a large group of people attend the girls memorial, some people showed up that I didnt expect and others that I had expected to show didnt. The truth is, it was perfect. It didnt matter who attended, what mattered was the celebration and love for my daughters.
I wil be thinking of you, your DH and your children this Saturday.

Cara said...

Michele- is there anything I can do? Anything I can send you to help plan the day? Just to take one "to-do" off yor list?

I would love to help...if I can.


B said...

I'm sorry your arms are empty.

It hurts so bad.

I pray this Saturday is beautiful in spirit like your dear Alexander


S said...

I'm so sorry we won't be there. We are thinking of you both and sending hugs. Please let me know if there is anything I can do for you guys.

Love Sarah