I can't believe that, in 2 weeks, Nicholas's birthday will be here... that in less than a month, Sophia's birthday will be here. February 1st and 16th: 5 years old. Has it been that long since they were born? 5 years since little fingers touched mine... since little chests yearned to breathe... since their warm skins were pressed against mine... since their bodies and mine comingled at that sacred dance of mother and child? Has it really been that long?
Some days, it feels like this is who I always was. Other days, it feels like was yesterday and I'm still gulping in air, trying to rectify the what-happened with the what-was-meant-to-be and the what-might-have-been. But, at the end of the day, this is simply what is. And it is five years that they were here.
Each year, we try to do something special. We're thinking about taking Bobby and Maya to the Please Touch Museum on Nicholas's birthday. They love museums and PTM seems like something five year olds would have loved to do. We'll of course have their dinners, and I'm debating throwing a little Super Bowl something or other to remember them both, since this year (although it wont be NY vs NE) the SB falls on the same date it did in 2008... their birthdays on the same days of the week as back then...
As I was emailing back and forth with Bobby and Maya's preschool teacher, I wrote something without premeditation and emailed it without thought. I didnt know, but if they were celebrating St. Valentine's Day, would they have a party and, if so, was a family selected for cupcakes yet? (Each party, a different family is asked to contribute something). And, if they werent having a party, would it be alright if I sent in cupcakes on the 14th? And then I shared a bit... Bobby and Maya have 3 older siblings in heaven... Their twin siblings would have turned 5... Sophia on the 16th... I'd like to have thought I'd be sending cupcakes in for their birthdays with them but, since that isn't possible, if it isn't a problem, could I send them in with Bobby and Maya instead? To remember and do something special and childlike?
Her email, as her emails always were, was beautiful and compassionate and welcoming of my cupcakes. She was sweet and said that if sending in cupcakes for their party would be a way for us to commemorate and remember Nicholas and Sophia, then by all means, we were the cupcake family. And that she would think of them and know why the cupcakes were there.
It's the little things... It's the not feeling out of place sharing, it's the having other people explain that, in these little ways, we are able to go on and remember with peace... That in knowing those 20+ kiddos and their teachers will be enjoying cupcakes that I'm making with all my kids, especially Nick and Sophie, in mind, we will be able to smile... It's those things that make this journey doable.
I've been thankful to their teacher so many times for her kindless and love towards Bobby and Maya. In randomly picking us to be the cupcake family for Thanksgiving (Alexander) and allowing us to do it for Valentine's (Nicholas and Sophia), my heart overflows with her for my older three as well.