12w2d

It's official... I'm gestating a barbacue/buffalo chicken wing. 

That, or a preborn junkfood addict.  I'm not sure which.

I've done, for the most part, a decent job of nutrition.  I drink my water, eat my greens, and try to make sure that I'm eating positive calories.  Now that I'm not throwing up all the time, this is way easier than it was in the early weeks.

But the cravings I'm having are ruthlessly junky!  The other weekend, potato chips and a cheesesteak (which Peter dutifully got me, even though I'm sure he secretly threw up in his mouth when he asked them to put mayo on it).  The last few weeks? Cereal (and we're not talking about the healthy, Kashi cereal of the world).  Although I've had my 2 week love affair with frosted mini wheats, for the most part, it's cinnamon toast crunch and golden grahams.  I hadnt eated these in years before the cravings hit!  And what's the best?  Mixing the two together... Mmmm.... With whole milk (which I hadnt drank in forever, since I prefer unsweetened almond milk).  But several times, I've had an INSANE NEED for chicken wings.  Not wings, actually, but the little mini-legs.  The idea of wings makes me (funny enough) nauseous, but barbacued, buffalo (yes, both if possible) little chicken legs... Ohhhh....  Thank goodness, Whole Foods knew I'd be pregnant over football season and they've had them on the hot bar.  Not together, but side by side, so I can mix them in a container and toss them to share the sauces.

Issues.... I know... I got 'em...

Today, all was well until about 10:15am when I just HAD to have them.  Maya and I were going out to grab things for dinner, so off to WF we went.  It was an act of ultimate patience to do my shopping before going near the hot bar, where I was literally praying they had them out.  And, yay!  They did!  I loaded up a container and checked out, trying my best not to drool.  When we got in the car, I popped that bad boy open and ate... and ate... and ate...  The ten minutes home was averaging more than one leg a minute because, by the time I got in the garage, I'd cleaned 14 of them!  (Oh, and there are more in the container.  God forbid I need these later and cant get back to WF for more!  Or, the fear- that someone else wants them for game day and they run out!).  I can only imagine what people who saw me must have thought: chicken in hand, licking sauce-laced fingers. 

***

All in all, things are going well.  It seems kind of nuts to be here, when I think of where I was at this stage with Bobby and Maya.  Instead of laying in bed, I'm out running (well, jogging... I am S-L-O-W these days!).  Instead of on every restriction known to obstetrics, I'm playing with my kids and snuggling them, even at almost 40 pounds for Bobby!  Instead of fearing what might happen if I took prenatal yoga, as I was with Alexander at this point, and terrified in every class, I'm teaching those classes with a smile.

I have my moments.  Last night, I cried into Peter's leg for a few minutes, overwhelmed by a moment of fear.  What if?  What if the TAC isn't enough?  What if we have to explain to Bobby and Maya that their brother or sister is in heaven with their older siblings?  A miscarriage would have been hard, but there's a part of me that knows I would survive because I've been there...  I had the miscarriage when the kids were little and it was sad and hard and heartbreaking, but it was early in pregnancy and there was no impact to the kids, other than mommy being sad.  At this point, I'd need a mini-cesarean because I can dilate; how would I explain that to the kids?  How would I feel?  For the most part, I dont think about it.  I know I'm doing all I can and that I have an outstanding medical team to make sure that we dont push anything too far and that we catch anything that does start us down a scary path.  That doesnt assure we make it to July 10th, although I have faith and am hopeful.  But I worry at times for Bobby and Maya.  And for Peter.  And for our families and friends, and myself too.  When the moments come, I just take a moment to breathe and pray.  What will be will be; I just do my best and roll with it.  That's all I can do. 

***

I'm starting to feel **something**.  It's not movement in a traditional sense.  It's more of a shifting in my lower abdomen.  It feels like a fullness that goes from one side to another.  Kind of neat :)  Makes me look forward to the little touches that I remember from Nicholas, Sophia, Alexander, Bobby, and Maya.  Those are some of my favorite memories. :)

***

The one thing that is waaaayyyy different this round is not having a clue as to gender!  I really have no idea.  I focus, I meditate, but nothing... Peter says he feels boy, and continues to call the baby Xerxes, but I have nothing...  My dad is on Team Peter, too; but Maya's godmother is on Team Maya, looking for a baby sister.  So, we'll see...  Bobby and I are silent on the issue for now :)