Shock

It's been 8 days since we were initially told about a baby, due in June, who was needing adoptive parents.  8 days, and yet it feels so much longer... As though time has slowed down somehow but has sped up all at the same time.

In 3 weeks, May is over, and then there will be simple countdown of days in June until he is born.  6 weeks is the earliest date of the possible c-section; 7w1d the latest possible day.  In less than 8 weeks, a newborn baby... Here...  Amazing, shocking, beyond my wildest imaginings.

But, at the same time, that is the end of another era.  The end of Bobby and Maya being my babies at home.  The end of them being my only children at home.  The end of them sharing us with just each other.  The end of us going for runs and playing at the park together, without another child in the mix.  It's so insane to even try and fathom what life will be like with a newborn and toddler twins.  People do it all the time (and the reverse!), so I have no worries, in that regard.  And yet, I wonder... What will it be like for them?  From their perspective?  They've shared everything, from the womb until now, so I cant imagine the idea of sharing will be difficult.  But this new person, who needs everything from Mom and Dad...  How will they cope?  We've been visiting the potty twice a day (still diapered) to get the idea; will they decide entirely against it in favor of that special time being changed?  Will they see the new baby with a bottle and remember "hey, we had bottles once, where are ours?"  Or will they become even more helper kids than they already are (because they LOVE to help me straighten up and get things squared away).

What will it mean for their music class on Thursday nights or their gym time on Saturday mornings?  Will we ask someone to fill in for one of us?  Will we ask the grandparents to sit the baby so that we can still have that alone time with Bobby and Maya?  So many questions...

And that doesnt even take into effect that we simply arent ready with the adoption stuff!  In less than a week, we are getting there.  We have the 2 simple background checks either done or submitted and the FBI fingerprint check has been submitted.  Our references are in.  We have a lot of our paperwork compiled, but are still working hard at it once Bobby and Maya go to bed.  But we still have our 10 hours of classwork to complete (again, we have when B & M are asleep to focus on this together).  Thankfully, we were able to get physicals scheduled for Wednesday, and Friday, my in-laws are watching the twins so that we can meet with our attorneys in the morning, and then have our marathon length home study visit in the afternoon.  So, it's all working out.  But when I think of the sheer amount of paperwork to complete before Friday at 1pm, I'm floored.  As a girlfriend of mine mentioned, if everyone who attempted parenthood by any means had to go through what adoptive parents do, there would be a lot less problems in the world!  It's a lot of work- well worth it, of course, but nonetheless, a lot of stuff to compile!

And then, there are the sad parts.  The non-excited, non-a-baby-is-coming parts.  The part where we have to accept that for us to gain a son, another is losing a son.  Our family gains a new grandchild/cousin/nephew, while another mourns the loss of theirs.  And that is hard.  So much joy mixed with so much sadness.  An open adoption allows for a blending of our families, and that is beautiful.  But who knows when that will happen... When people will be ready... It opens up a lot of thoughts about my own birthmother, and how I'd love to reach out to her- not for any sort of relationship, but just so that I have the peace of knowing that, if she ever wondered about me or the kids, that she would have the answer... That she wouldnt have to go looking far.  I'm at a place where I dont need that interaction or even the knowledge anymore; there is a deep peace about it.  But, as we embark on this new journey of parenthood and realize that our son will have questions that we wont have the answers to and he may not have peace with that, that I want to know that she would have the info should she ever want to look at it.  I dont know... That may not make sense.

And my mind doesnt allow me to think of the words "failed adoption attempt".  As we make plans and tell people, we have faced the "what if she changes her mind?" question.  And it's a valid question.  It isnt that we havent contemplated the idea.  But our pregnancies and our children have shown us that there are no guarantees.  Being pregnant doesnt guarantee you a child to parent.  Birthing a child doesnt guarantee you a live baby.  And, adoption doesnt mean the birthmother wont change her mind before that 72 hour window closes.  It is how it is.  Our prayer isnt "God, please bring Michael into our arms safely and let his birthmother not change her mind."  While we are hopeful that Michael will be born healthy and safely, and will be sleeping in the crib that is now decked out in our bedroom in less than 2 months, our prayer is simply that he be given the best life he can have.  If she changes her mind, then we have to believe that his journey- and the best thing for him- is to stay with his birth family.  If he comes home to us and we have the joy of being his forever family, then that is best for him.  But it has to be about our son; it cant be about us.  And without risk, you gain nothing.  You risk the most gutwrenching sorrow to have the ultimate gift.  Although it hurts, you pay the price that is asked of you.

Well, the kids are enjoying the end of one of their homeschooling videos, so I'd better go so we can get back to our ABCs!  Maya has learned almost all of her letter shapes!  She will put the puzzle together, and it is awesome to watch.  Not to be outdown, Bobby is learning the crazyhard shape sorter that I bought (by mistake!)  We struggle with some of these shapes because they are so similar!  It's so much fun watching them learn.  We had a great afternoon at the park yesterday (which I'll blog about later, once I have pics uploaded).  And then... lunch.  Which is good, because I'm getting hungry!  (No snack for Mommy yet, but it's too late at this point, since we'll have lunch at 11...)