I'm Her

So, we all know the blogger...  The one who writes, writes, writes when she is venting about her frustrations with infertility, who writes daily about her pregnancy (especially after loss), who is no stranger to asking for prayers during bedrest, who blogs about babies past, present, and future...  And then, boom, takes home a baby or two, and then writes periodically...

Yep... I'm her.

And I'm so sorry.

It isn't that I don't want to blog or read and comment.  Truly, it isn't.  I want to.  Desperately.  Because, even though I've never met most of you in person, I feel like I know you.  I feel like we are friends.  I care about whether you are cycling, whether "it" worked (whatever it was), if "it" didnt, and how I can support you.  And not just because you've supported me (and still do), but because you have a place in my heart.  Whether it's because of PCOS, or IF, or loss, or adoption, or simply because we've connected on some level... I care.  And I'm sorry that it must feel like I don't because I've become "the sporadic blogger and blog reader."

I can blame the move, but let's face it, that is a blip on the screen.  I can blame homeschooling, but infants are about 1 hour per year of life, so that means about an hour of my day is spent formally schooling.  I can blame keeping a house clean or grocery shopping or running after two toddlers.  But, really, it comes down to excuses and life and being busy.  And letting things slip through the cracks.

And I'm sorry.

But it just isn't you.  I've neglected IRL relationships too.  Too much to do here, my calendar too full there.  I've even missed coffee dates that I set the date for because I forgot!  It's terrible.  And I feel terrible about it.

I dont want my blog to be a "sunshine" blog, where it was open and going during the rough patches and now only chats about the good days.  I dont want it to be only a memorial to my children who died and a brief glimpse of my children who lived.  I want it to be my space, my area to catch up with you, while I visit your spaces and catch up with what you have to say.  It's going to take me a while to carve out some time during my days to read and write.  I know this.  And I ask that, while that is happening, you dont think I've forgotten you.  Because I havent.  You're in my thoughts, even if I havent popped by in a while.

And, when I can, I promise that I'll get back to regular entries.  I will.  Even if they are done from my bed before I doze off at night!

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Bobby and Maya are sleeping peacefully... in their beds.  It's amazing.  These two little people I held on my chest for every nap and quite a bit of their nightly sleep are now napping in their beds and sleeping in their rooms at night.  My house is straight and clean (well, clean enough that I'd be okay with unexpected visitors!).  The dishwasher is running and laundry is cleaning.  The last two mornings- Peter's first two at his new job!- I've had the pleasure of watching my husband play with our kids as they wake up early to see him before he leaves (because of the commute- 1/2 an hour- and his start time, he gets up and leaves earlier than he used to).  Those same mornings have seen me making breakfast and sending him to work with a homemade, packed lunch.  I'm feeling awfully domestic... I like being a homemaker.  I enjoy playing with the kids and feeding them nutritious meals and teaching them things like "the white sheep says baaahhhh".  I like even more when they repeat things back or can identify things we've talked about (like the number 8).

Alexander's second birthday is next week... One week away.  I still can't believe it.  Two years.  Where has the time gone?  Then the holidays... Then Nicholas and Sophia's third birthdays...  Life moves on, the sun rises and sets... Against the backdrop of a cracked heart.  Once shattered, glued back together with love and tiny hands.

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Hugs to you all... Many, many hugs...  And, I promise, I wont be gone (either from here or your blogs) for long...