Less Of Me

Back in September, I wrote a post detailing how I'd seen a picture of myself in a dear friend's wedding and how deeply it affected me because, indeed, I had "let myself go" for lack of a better phrase.  I'd let the comments of "You carry your weight well" confuse me into thinking that the fact I was carrying more weight than I should be was okay.  That picture changed my world.  It showed me the cruel, honest truth.  I was overweight.  According to my BMI, I'm not just overweight but had that other dreaded "O" word attached to my weight/height ratio.

I cried.  I beat the floor.  I told Peter how unfair it was.  I mean, I'm a good person.  I have PCOS.  I have a thyroid disorder.  I dont eat "that" much.  Hell, I'm running after babies all day and dont always eat!  Sobbing, I told him how it wasn't my fault.

But it was. Looking at my food life, I could see how drinking my weight in soda, making bad food choices when I did eat, not eating a few times a day, and not controlling portion sizes could do.  And then, there was the support I received here.  People shared their own struggles and what worked for them.  And for those eye openers, I am thankful.  But I am most grateful for being told that I am more than the sum of what has happened to me.

Just because I have PCOS doesnt give me leave to not workout.
Just because I have Hashimoto's doesnt mean I can have another piece of cake.
Just because my children died doesn't give me an open invitation to stand in front of the fridge and eat... and eat... and eat...

Hearing that, realizing it- it changed me.  I'm notorious for not having will power, and yet, these last 2 months have seen me a changed person.  A lesser person.  As of tonight, a 21 pound less person.  And, let me just say, I'm really proud of me.

I traded in my soda for Coke Zero or nothing.  It's my crutch, I realize.  But I wont drink soda except for that, so if I go somewhere and they dont have it, it's water.  And I drink water at home... Just because.  I stopped sweetening my tea and coffee (unless it's something special).  I like it black anyway, so this was just a good thing to get back into.  I started preparing our meals from scratch and calculating the calories in them AND really watching serving sizes.  I looked into lighter versions of foods I eat (like bread).

And I still have chocolate.  In fact, I have Skinny Cow Truffle Bars (100 calories) on speed dial!!  When my throat hurt and I was sick, I had one every single day!   And I still have cake.  In fact, I baked a kickass pear cake tonight that was only 80 calories a slice- and I had one slice.  It was delicious.

I write down what I eat religiously.  I told Peter that I'd have to take some "me" time around meal time to log what I eat.  I do it electronically because that helps me; right now, it's a private blog with no access but for me, but one day, I link it and integrate it into this one.  I'm just not at that place emotionally yet; honestly, my weight bothers me and I'm not ready to come clean with how heavy I let myself get.  But, I've decided that, as of Nicholas's birthday, I will.  I have a goal that is reasonable given my current loss and I think I will feel more ready to share in February.

I work out.  I run three times a week if I can and try to get to yoga once or twice.  I have a schedule up, but if I get to it 3 days in the week, I feel lucky.  (Yoga 2x week, running 3x week).  I walk to my errands; it's getting cold, but if I can and the weather holds, I take the kids out to the library, store, bank, and wherever via my legs and their stroller.  The other day, we did all of our errands by walking.  Sure, it took 90 minutes, but that's okay.  The kids loved the fall day and I got exercise on a day that I otherwise wouldn't have.

And then there is today... I logged a five and a half mile run today...  That's my longest run ever.  As in, in my whole life.  My max had always been about 4 miles when I was fit and in high school.  I beat that recently with Sarah.  But today, on my own, I did this huge milestone for myself.  I mapped out the run through town and just let loose.  I walked a few minutes to warm up, then took off and never looked back and kept a 5mph pace.  To say I am proud of myself is an understatement.

I am still heavy, but it doesnt matter.  Running is an equalizer.  When Sarah and I started training for TexMex at the end of spring, running a mile killed me.  In fact, I dont think we actually ran a mile without taking a couple of walk breaks.  As our mileage has increased, a lot of my being able to do it has been her constant encouragement as we are out.  Today, I was alone.  I prayed, I meditated, I just "was".  And the 5.5 flew by. Really.

I wont win any time trials, but I dont care.  I'm out there.  And it is great.

And, on another great note, my pants have fallen off.  I had to buy the size smaller.  :)  At the end of November, Peter will retake my measurements so I can see how many inches have left me in 2 months, but the 21 pounds?  That's enough for me right now.  I'm thrilled.

The beginning of the journey, at my friend's bridal shower:

Me, as of the day after Thanksgiving:

(What am I eating you ask?  Tonight's dinner was salmon herbed with fresh dill, fresh chives, & freshly grated lemongrass; mushroom & garlic souffle; warm kale & cauliflower salad; and pear cake.  All from scratch.  All never before made.  The salmon is my own creation, but the other three came out of either Vegetarian or The Vegan Table.  Total calories: 930.  While it's higher than my average 750c dinner, there was butter and milk in the souffle, and a large piece of salmon packs about 400c by itself.)