Day 39: T-13

Good days have to have bad days. I understand that, but I dont have to like it.

I ate pizza last night and my blood sugar was crazy high before bed: 252. :( But I'm not sorry. Dr B said that I could cheat once a week and, dammit, I wanted that Papa John's like nobodies business. So I cheated. And it was good. And now, I will be good. So, this morning, my fasting continued to drop, this time to 114. And after breakfast, I was 118. And before lunch just now, I was 89. That is perfect. After a meal: 120 or less; before a meal: 90 or less. We will see how my post-lunch is, but I am actually happy with my readings for today. At some point, this will be figured out.

And, of course, the bad news. Bobby's heartbeat. Part of me doesnt know how bad this is and how much was a circumstance. I'm still doing the research. Part of me is pissed off because, while my nurse is nice personally, I dont feel like she is listening to me.

So, I got put on the monitor this morning and the nurse said that she was following the written orders to a T: 15m of Bobby by himself w/ 30m of both of them. Now, most nurses, since he's been behaving, have been putting them both on and, as long as 15m of Bobby charts, they are happy. The doctor only wanted the 15m alone because he wasnt charting. And even the nurses who do him alone, then add Maya in for 15m. So, total, about 30m of charting. And, since I am on my back, this works well, since I get contractions on my back. Usually, during half an hour, I get 2-3 mild contractions. Nothing major. Once that 30m becomes greater, however, the contractions actually hurt and come on top of each other. They are irregular, but they are there and they suck.

So... Today... Bobby and Maya are put on together. The arythmia is still there and was actually more present than yesterday which bummed me out, but his HB was between 120s-160s, which is within normal ranges, so I was happy with that. Maya continued to be 140s-160s. They both would hop off with movement (and he was more than happy to move a lot today), so it was a pain to keep them on. They were so active last night and early this morning that I didnt sleep well, so Peter held them on so that I could take a quick nap, once they began to behave. So, the thirty minutes ends and, having been told that I had to keep him on for 15 more minutes, we begin that. And the contractions start. And his heartrate starts to become very arythmic. Loud, off kilter, and surging. Up to the 190s. For a beat or two, into the 200s. The average is now 160s-180s. So, the nurse says that she is getting the doctor. (Mind you, the half hour before, he is as he has been for the last few days, just with the arythmia very present.) At this point, my back is in a lot of pain and the contractions are one after another, so Peter tells me to roll over on my side, that Bobby's additional 15m was completed and that, if they want more, they will have to figure it out on my side. (Peter gets very frustrated when medical personnel dont listen or when he sees me in pain that can be easily fixed.) So, I roll onto my right side (since Bobby is to my right and I didnt want to lose him), and hold the monitor in place. And his heartbeat drops back to the 130s-150s, with the arythmia present, although not severely. We did this for 15 more minutes. The nurse came back and said that the Resident was watching with her on their monitor and, since he had calmed down, she felt that all they could really do is wait and see, and wait for tomorrow's visit with Dr Bott, the fetal-pediatric cardiologist. As the nurse is removing me from the monitor, I say that, perhaps his heartbeat increase was in response to the contractions I was having, since they were hard and painful. Her response: "Well, I didnt see anything pick up on the contraction monitor." That's great. Since the monitor is NEVER placed anywhere near my belly button anymore and is just slung wherever, I'm not surprised. And, on top of that, the TOCOs dont always pick up contractions. I contracted with Alexander the night before he was born and the TOCO didnt pick it up. They told me I wasnt having contractions! So, since I have an idea of what a contraction is and since we all know that I get them on my back (which isnt uncommon) and every medical site I've seen says that laying on your back decreases fetal oxygen and can lead to the baby's heartbeat either falling or rising... Could you give me a break and say, hmmm... Since his heartbeat went back to his current "normal" as soon as you rolled off your back, maybe, just maybe, this played a roll? Especially since he was quasi-okay before??? (Sorry... I dont sound bitchy at all, I'm sure...)

So, bad news because it is a setback, but I dont know how bad it is. Is it really just status quo but because of how this nurse monitored, it came back "bad"? I know that, really, all we can do is wait until tomorrow's echo. The monitoring right now is to make sure nothing gets worse. The babies are very active and healthy, and that, according to one of my nurses, is a better sign than any monitor can give. The ultrasound on Friday was good. Things can change in a split second, but it "seems" like everything is still okay. Tomorrow, we will know more, and we are praying, just praying, for good news... Please.

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On a fun note, Peter and I decided that, for my MIL's shower, we wanted to design and purchase the cake. So, we've settled on a design. (Please forgive me... Art is not my strong suit and I created this in Paint, so, of course, it is ROUGH.)

The cake with be 1/2 chocolate, 1/2 white with a strawberry filling. The buttercream icing will be a light green with a brown border (this matches the colors of the nursery). The text will be the same brown. There will be a blue elephant on one side and a pink elephant on the other. And, because as so many of you pointed out, this shower isn't just for these children, it is for ALL of them, Peter had the beautiful idea to include three angels on the cake, so at the bottom, we will have a blue angel, then a pink angel, then another blue angel, to signify Nicholas, Sophia, and Alexander. We struggled with what to "say" on the cake, but came up with "Celebrating Bobby and Maya" because, even we realize, they are the focus. A supermarket near our house did the cakes that we used at the two memorial services and they were remarkably good, in both taste and in keeping with the designs we asked for, so, we've opted to use them again. Creating this was a nice distraction...

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Remembering Ezra Malik today... Please remember with me. And celebrating Gregory's little sister, Gwen's arrival home... Please celebrate with me.