Yesterday, I didn't feel much like posting, except to share Alexander's 9m birthday. I've been battling some "bedrest depression" the last few days. Very much a personal pity session that falls along the lines of "why cant I just be normal". My entire life has been spent outside of the curve and I've often had moments of wishing I could be "just like everyone else". As I've grown older and accepted things about myself, I've accepted the skin I'm in. But infertility and then mourning my children has left me with a longing to be "normal". To be someone who gets pregnant whenever they try... To have uneventful, happy pregnancies where their children are born full term and healthy...
For most of my pregnancy, I have shoved my feelings aside; the feelings of gratefulness at each day have kept those feelings at bay. But as my body starts to ache from the months of being in bed and I hear the stories of people near me and in my own family who dont get a rat's ass about their pregnancies complaining and wishing for a premature baby just to "get it over with" and giving birth to healthy babies in spite of their bad behavior, it has gotten harder and harder to wash over the things I've missed. In a way, I feel like I am having to mourn the pregnancies of our dreams because they are things I cant accomplish. Other pregnant women are wearing cute maternity outfits; my wardrobe consists of pajama pants and stretchy tank tops. While couples are out at the movies or dinner with their bumps in game, Peter is wheeling my bedside table over so that I can eat or refill my endless water cup. Our normalcy revolves around twice daily monitoring, weekly ultrasounds, and bloodwork. Is it so bad to want to be normal? To be able to enjoy childbirth classes or light exercise or a walk around the block? To be able to attend church or take an active role in planning a baby shower?
So, yesterday, this all came to a head. Perhaps it was meant to do so or perhaps it was my talk with my mom about my brother's girlfriend (due in 4 weeks). I dont know. But it spiraled and I cried quite a bit. Peter doesnt really understand, I dont think, just how much it hurts to not havea "perfect" pregnancy when you've tried so long... I know that he walks my infertility journey with me, but I think that he is so happy to be pregnantt and doing whatever we can to get full term that the idea of "mourning" a lost ideal doesnt connect with him. And I do get that. Which is why I am just so happy to be pregnant every single day and I do know how lucky I am to be given the chance to continue a pregnancy be it via bedrest, or whatever. But it still hurts that I have fallen short of my own expectations. And, for whatever reason, it took me 25w to get to the point where I feel like I need to mourn that so that I can let it go and move on.
I talked to Dr B today. There were good points and then a really bad point. On the good side, my discharge date is being tentatively set for 28w even: Sept 12th. (Yes, this is the day of the unshower so, as Peter said, it will be a "welcome home" party, too.) Discharge is usually around 11am. This could change, of course, if my cervix misbehaves, I start having contractions, etc. But this gives us an idea and a date to aim for, and it allows Peter to make some work plans, since he wants to take some time off to get the house cleaned and ready for our return. Also, instead of weekly appointments, Dr B said that he thinks it would be best to see me in the office every 2 weeks so that I am not in the car for almost an hour each way plus sitting up in the waitnig room for an hour plus, etc, every week. The appointments will be in his office. At the sign of any changes, I'm back in the hospital. During our "off" weeks, he said that we could do a phone consult to discuss any issues that have arisen, and that, of course, I am welcome to call him anytime if we have any concerns. He stressed that, any changes, and he will yank me back into the hospital for the remainder of the pregnancy so to not get too comfy at home. He hopes that I wont have any issues and will be able to stay home until the cerclage comes out, but he also said that he's not willing to take any risks if it looks like the hospital is safer. He'd rather us be back in the hospital until the cerclage comes out than risk something at home, even if the change looks minor. Which we completely agree with. We are grateful for the opportunity to go home and have as "normal" a pregnancy as we can, but if that does cause even a minor change, we'd rather come back to the hospital and wait out whatever weeks we have remaining. Another good thing: my blood pressure. Since it has been really low, he said that he is fine with the nurses using parameters as to when to give it to me and that, if it looks like we can, he's considered dropping my meds all together and using them on an "as needed" basis. He said that he isnt ready to make that decision yet because my top number is still coming in around 140 at times but that he takes heart that my BP has been low for the most part (usually under 120/80 by several points). I've also been given permission to sit up to eat. Tonight, I will be having dinner sitting in the chair. :) I really am excited about this, since I get heartburn after I eat. He said that no hanging out in a sitting position, but for the short time of eating, he is okay with trying it out.
And now, for the really bad news. My blood sugar. So, I was incorrect in my previous post about 120 being the end of normal. It is the end of normal AFTER a meal, not fasting. A normal fasting is under 90. Dr B said that he expected me to be slightly elevated because of the bedrest and twins and was prepared to let a small elevation go. When he saw my 117 from the other day, he said that he assumed I had possibly eaten something small or that the test had been done within several hours of eating. He had not distinctly ordered the fasting test; the CRNP had after she asked if I had fasted. I confirmed today that I had NOT eaten within 8h of the test. So, this morning, I had a finger stick test (think the whole diabetic daily stick test type thing) and my result, after fasting for almost 11h: 128. That's right. Nearly 40 points above normal. (And, actually, most labs consider 110 to be the cut off, which would make me, as Dr B called me, an "overacheiver". Nice...) He decided that doing the 1 hr is pointless since I am guaranteed to fail at this point (since it should be less than 120 after the drink), which also makes the 3h still moot. Not that I'm complaining; the nasty sugar drink was not at the top of my list of fun things to do. A nutritional counselor is coming in along with a diabetic counselor to discuss food options, etc, that impact blood sugar and how to try and manager my blood sugar with diet. I will get a finger prick every morning prior to eating and then one 2h after eating for the next several days. If, even with a diet modification, my levels are way above normal, he wants to discuss insulin injections.
I spoke with my favorite nurse, who came to do my 2h post lunch reading. (199... yeah... that is really bad...) She knew I was upset and said that it happens and to try not to worry. She said that, as far as impact to the babies, the biggest issue is that they may continue to grow bigger, which is in their favor as twins. She said that, post birth, they will have to have heel pricks every 3h for 24h to make sure their blood sugar is normal but that if they were born preemies, this would happen anyway and to try not to worry. For me, she said the biggest issue is that I will need to stick to a 2200 cal diet (which she thinks I am already doing, since she sees my meals that come in; she said that I am one of the healthiest eaters in pregnancies that she has seen in recent days and that she thinks my "diet modification" wont really be much of a modification at all). Since my weight gain is well under what the norm is, she said that is also not a concern. She reiterated what Dr B had said: that most likely this is a result of 2 placentas plus a lack of walking/mobility combined with a predisposition to insulin resistance due to PCOS. It sucks, but, in the grand scheme of things, I could be much worse and be eating poorly, gaining a lot of weight, etc., and that, while the situation isnt ideal, I am healthy and that makes a huge difference. (I love this nurse.) She explained that after discharge, I will still have to prick myself at home and submit the results to Dr B.
I cant lie. I am still saddened by this. I really hoped I'd just be marginally over the line and not "bad". I'm also pissed off. I feel like this is just one more slap in the face of my "planned" pregnancies.
But, it is a blessing that we are finding out now versus a few more weeks. If diet can get this under control (although everyone seems doubtful since I have a good diet now, but we shall see...) then great. If not and it takes insulin injections, as long as it keeps the babies healthy, then I'm there. No problem. After all, it's just another needle and, thanks to infertility, I'm used to those... Even if I hate them...
On a cute note, I took belly measurements. When I met Peter, I was 29" and I loved it... A decade of marriage, PCOS, Hashimoto's, and our pregnancies brought that measurement to 37" at the date of conception of Bobby and Maya. Right now... It is 48". Quite the belly... My fundal measurement is 38cm, which puts me on par with a 36w singleton... So 11w ahead. Fun times!
While I'm still having a rough day because of the diabetic thing, but my mood was just improved by a visit from our pastor, Fr P. We had such a nice, laid back visit, full of smiles and laughter, as well as church news. It really did help. It took my mind off the "bad news" of the day and brought some joy into the day.