Sunday, January 1, 2017

HNY 2017

I tell myself that today is  new day in a new calendar year and that I'll write every day: here, on paper, on a novel, something.  I tell myself that I'll do it because it's important, but I don't know that that is altogether true.  I want to believe it's true.  I want to promise myself that I'll write daily and mean it


But I have so much on my plate.

But I have so much to do.

But there isn't enough time.


I'm a butt full of excuses and buts.  I'm tired.  I'm still struggling with PPD and, now APD while pregnant.  It's not awful.  It's manageable.  But it's still a darkness just waiting to be invited back in.  Somedays I worry it doesn't actually need an invitation, but I tell myself it does, just to feel a bit stronger.  I'm not just tired, I'm exhausted: mentally, physically, spiritually.  This pregnancy, my kids, everything- they are kicking my ass.  I'm swimming with my head above water, but it's not pretty most times.

I find that I have less patience and I yell more.  I lose my cool more.  I have way less cool to lose.  Peter and I don't really talk like we used to.  There's simply not time and, when we steal it from somewhere, I find that the words I want to say (that I need to say) are elusive.

But it's a new year.  A time to start anew.  To burn the old in the Solstice bonfire and to believe in the hopes and dreams of a new year.  And I want to- I really do.  I want to feel like I can make a plan and make it happen. That I can find the energy and the will and the time.  That damn time that seems to slip away.

So instead of saying that I'll come back to this space every day, I'll just say that I'm going to try.  I'm going to try to make time to find myself again... Hopefully, that journey leads me to this space. :)

Happy New Year to you and yours.  May 2017 be a year of goodness and light.


Jessica said...

I am so sorry to hear that you are struggling. PPD/APD is the worst... it's so hard for people to understand! I hope you continue to keep your head above water. Take care of yourself!

Also, you're having another girl! Maya must be THRILLED.

Michele said...

Thank you. I think that now that I can see the depression issues, it's easier. On the early months after Lucas, I couldn't see how awful I was. Once that part lifted, it's gotten easier. Still a struggle but much better. Being able to run again will help, too. It's my sanctuary.

She is over the moon!!!

Debby@Just Breathe said...

Happy New Year!