Happy 4th Birthday, Alexander

Happy Birthday, my sweet Alexander. 

It's amazing to think that it's been four years since you born.  Four years since I held you in my arms, since I smelled you, since I kissed your little forehead.  Four years since I prayed for a miracle beyond all others.  Four years since you kicked and moved and breathed.  Four years since you traded in your earthly life for one on the other side of the rainbow.

It could be four minutes to me.  Sometimes, I swear I feel your presence or hear the laugh I'm sure you would have had or see your eyes twinkling.  Sometimes, I just know that you are.  Like, when I went running yesterday and, in broad daylight, a light flickered to life four times before turning off.  Like, when I was pondering what to make for your birthday and the answer was just... there.  Your voice was just...there.

For the last few days, Maya and Bobby have been excited for your birthday.  They know several versions of the 'happy birthday' song, and Maya informed me twice yesterday that we were going to sing to you.

This morning, your siblings were raring to go for Mass, which is something, considering it feels like we are always running to get out the door!  We went to the 8:30 at SMG, which was said with your intention, and then came home for brunch.  We didn't have fruitloops :) although there were fruit loops pre-church! :)  I made two quiches (turkey & jarlsburg and sundried tomato/pepper/feta), panckakes (buttermilk and GF/DF chocolate chip), fruit salad, and bacon.  (Don't worry, Bobby ate enough pancakes for you and Maya made sure to take in enough bacon for the both of you!)  Afterwards, we decorated our Christmas tree. 

For your dessert (and we did sing happy birthday, after I confirmed to Maya that you can still hear her in heaven), I made a DF/GF pineapple upside down cake, Maya maid some delicious vegan peppermint bark, and I vanilla iced some cakey brownies.  Bobby and Maya loved those best of all.  I think you would have too.

Four years old... You'd be a big helper, quite the talker, in 3 day a week preschool.  You'd love to play at the park and enjoy running around the soccer field for your little peewee team.  You'd be... well, you'd be you.  Perfect and wonderful. 

Here.

You are here.  Not as I'd thought or ever expected, but here nonetheless.  I'm grateful for that.  For having you in my life.  For being your mother.

Four years... It's so short, yet so long.  Long enough that I've come to terms with not having you in my arms.  Short enough that I still remember the way you felt and long for one more hug.  Long enough that I've accepted you were never meant to be a child of earth.  Short enough that the pain of that fact still cuts through me on a daily basis.  Long enough for the tears to have subsided but short enough that I still feel them on my face. 

Short enough that the ache is still there but long enough that I know it will always be...

Oh, Cuddlebug... Looking at your pictures today, remembering you while laying next to your Daddy, saying your name...  Remembering your cute little button nose and the way you kicked during your labor...  Remembering the way you snuggled into your Daddy's hand, curled up, and fell asleep... Forever.  Four years.

I love you, Alexander, and I miss you- every second of every day.

Happy birthday.  Happy, happy birthday.
Love,
Mommy