Monday, September 27, 2010

No Words

I am sitting at my computer while the kids watch Kung Fu Panda, in tears.  I just logged in to do some new house stuff, and my inbox was full of emails and comments to my previous post.  As I sat here and read each one, first one tear came and then another until I am a blubbering mess.

You all shared so much of your own stories or just gave me words of support, words to tell me that I am not alone.  And from the first one I read through the very last, it was like a giant hug.  And I really appreciated it.  I mean, really.  This is one of the hardest things and the words you have all shared, from Mrs. J. encouraging me to try a WW meeting, to JenJen voicing the thing that is hard to hear and say but true (that just because our children died doesnt give us license to drown our pain in food- or any other vice for that matter) to those of you like Hope's Mom saying that you understand because you are there to and Sprogblogger who, like me, is married to a thin-even-though-I-eat-a-pound-of-M&Ms man, it really helped.  It made me feel like there is another side to this door.  And, even though I dont know most of you IRL and may never meet you other than on the web, you gave me strength today and the freedom to cry and let out this self hate and self disgust and self loathing that has become a part of my insides every day.  You let me dump the soda I was drinking down the sink and walk away from the donut bag.

Thank you.

Really.  Thank you.