Another Good-bye

June 2008 was such a bittersweet time. Nicholas and Sophia were born that February and we were still reeling from their deaths. In May, we went to see Dr. Lee for our follow-up and we took another stab at the TTC rollercoaster. We expected success because Nick and Sophie were our first assisted cycle and, 14 days later, 2 days after my birthday, we had a positive beta. I remember going on my traditional birthday TBIC (this sounds horrible, but Sarah and I coined the phrase "2 b-tches in a car" after one of us had had a husband fight- probably me- that was completely her/my fault and we had to take a drive... This has evolved into what we call whenever we get together); we had to skip the traditional winery visit and instead got fake tattoos and drove from town to town in northeast PA. I was worried because the baby's EDD would be Sophia's birthday and several friends told me that babies were rarely born on due date's, so not to worry. Peter and I joked that February would be "our" month, that all of our children would be born then and, in a way, many of them were, when you consider that we lost P in Feb, Nick and Sophie were born in Feb, Z was conceived in Feb... So, we thought, why not!

Why not indeed.

My first beta was low, somewhere around 28, which was mere points over what we needed to be considered "pregnant" and my progesterone hadnt risen from my first 7dpo test, so I was prescribed supplements. But I worried... Our nurse tried to sound optimistic, especially since my beta with Nicholas and Sophia had been so low... But when the second test came back in the low 40s and the third test barely 50... We were told to prepare for the worst. I remember our nurse trying to gently tell me that my child... my fourth baby... most likely, was dying.

I prayed. Oh how I prayed. When I stopped taking the Prometrium, I prayed. When the bleeding didnt start, I prayed. God, please, dont let this baby die, too. Not my sweet Dimitri. Please... But I didnt really start praying until the days leading up to Father's Day, when Peter said that all he wanted for his first big Father's Day was for our baby to live. At that point, I stopped praying for a big, happy ending, especially when I knew my betas were falling. Instead, I prayed that our baby would be alive on Father's Day... That, if it was meant for him to join his siblings in heaven, then I would be okay with that, but to please, please, please, save them from miscarriage before or on Father's Day.

I began bleeding with my second miscarriage the Monday after and we returned to Dr Lee at the end of the month to make sure I was physically alright and that our baby had really passed away.

So, today, we remember the baby that we felt was a boy, the baby that we named Dimitri. His name was so perfect... We wanted to name him after Peter's brother, whose middle name was Dimitri, and also after Sophia, since he was due on her birthday. Gaea means "Earth" and Dimitri is a masculine diminutive of Demeter. It was perfect. You have so many people surrounding you in heaven, sweet boy. One day, I'll be there too and I'll hold you so tight! I'll only let go to welcome more of your siblings into our hug circle.