This comment from an aunt yesterday, when we had people for lunch. I guess it wouldnt have stung so much, except that I am a few pounds lighter than my weight at conception. Yeah. Nice.
To deflect the sting, I made some smart ass comment about my butt being big, my belly being flabby, and my tatas sagging. But, it stung. I would never admit to that, of course (I mean, that might chink my armor) but, honestly, it hurt.
I've been discussing going back to the gym with Peter because I realize it is something I need to do. The bedrest worked a number on my back, abs, and legs. I do NEED to do something. I've always been a big girl and I'm (somewhat) at terms with that. I do yoga at home, on occasion, but I could benefit from getting my butt back into a kickboxing or RPM class, or by swimming a few laps a couple of times a week. I know I need to do this. I want to do this. But, I guess hearing people tell me I look "great" after having twins, I kind of thought... Well... That I looked okay. I mean, I'm back in pants that I couldnt wear since before Nick and Sophie.
But. (or is that "butt"?)
So. Here we are. Me looking at the gym schedule and preparing to part with several hundreds of dollars for the year membership. Yuck. In addition to trying to figure out a class schedule that will work with Peter's work schedule, I know it's going to suck getting up in the mornings. I could, of course, do stuff at home. But will I? Probably not. I'm not big in the "workout will power" section. Of course, owning a gym membership doesnt fix that. But I'm hoping that it would do something for me since knowing that is money I cant use on diapers.
Not to mention, an investment in myself is an investment in the twins. My knees are hurting and my back is killing me. I know that I lost (what little) muscle tone I had being in bed for 16 weeks. Come spring, I want to be able to enjoy the little ones at the park. I enjoy walking to the super market; I dont want to hurt when doing that. And I'd really, really like to not wake up with a backache. So... the gym wins. As much as I hate it. (And as much as I hate the "New Year's Resolution Gymers" that I am going to encounter (and haggle with in the too-small parking lot) when I go back.) I'm hoping our insurance offers a discount because budgeting in a gym membership isnt going to be fun. But I have to do something. I cant stay at this weight and I cant start off the babies with an unhealthy mom. They need better than that. They sure as hell deserve it.
***
This question, however, leads me to another one: "When are you going to lose the baby wait?"
That's what we've been doing, really, for years. Over a decade. A baby wait. Everything has revolved around it. Waiting on baby. Even the opening page of Nicholas and Sophia's baby book says "Waiting for Babies".
You'd think with Bobby and Maya home safely, I'd feel out of the baby wait. But I dont. I just feel like it has shifted gears. Instead of waiting to get pregnant, waiting to get out of the first trimester, waiting to get passed the point of viability, waiting on labor, waiting to leave the NICU... Now, I feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. Waiting for something "bad". It almost feels impossible that we could be lucky and have no real issues... No returns to the hospital. (Preemies have a 1 in 3 chance of getting admitted back into the hospital if they are discharged during winter.) No challenges as a result of prematurity... Could we be so lucky? Could we? I'm trying to believe yes. But I'm struggling.
Especially since the babies are in the nursery (which, let me set the stage, is ATTACHED to our room. You walk into Peter's closet and the nursery is off his closet... It's not like the kids are even a room away...), I have nightmares of babies not breathing, of them being blue, of blood or vomit... SIDS, choking, there's always something. I mean, let's face it; orphaned parents know all that could go wrong. What happened to me/you isnt the worst- there is always something else that we've read, someone else we've met, that we feel could be "worse" than what we've lost and becomes our fear. NICU and orphaned parents experiencing PTSD? I'm not surprised. We live through hell; it's no surprise that there is fall out. We may not be diving under tables or seeking out therapists or taking meds to cope, but that doesnt mean that every single parent who goes through this walks away without a scrape. Some scars are just deeper than the surface. But, I guarantee you, we all have them.
As I hold them and look at them, I try to just let it go. To let those feelings of waiting for some unforeseen inevitability go. I cant change a future I cant fight or prepare for- so I have to let it go. I have to enjoy today and stop worrying. I can only prevent so much.
What a "failure as a mommy" feeling... And yet, somewhat liberating too. To just be able to enjoy each day and not worry about what you can and cant intercept... I dont mean to imply that we should take risks... Only that I cant worry about some boogyman in the darkness.
I'm a work in progress... It's tough, but I'm trying.
16 comments:
Oh, Michele. What a sad, true, loving post. You're such a true mother, so caring in absolutely every way. Hugs.
Excuse me, but didn't you just recently bring both babies home? I'm sure that you love your aunt. But what an insensitive comment. I would never think to say that to a woman who just brought her full term pregnancy infant home recently, let alone a mom who was on bedrest for so long, barely able to use her muscles, then had babies in the Nicu, worrying every waking moment. Also acknowledging that you have not one baby but two to get up with at night. Sheesh. I think that you are doing an amazing job. My son just turned two, I still have some poundage to lose and some flab to firm up. The fact that you are already at prepreg weight says a lot. You will get it done in time, in the meantime cuddle those little ones. Hmmm. Wouldn't it be nice if kisses and hugs burnt calories?
Um, sweetie? Your aunt should be kicked. Hard. That's a bitchy thing to say, and you should be congratulated for your restraint. And since you refrained from kicking, I'll volunteer for that duty if no one else is stepping up.
I didn't know you before, but I've seen the pictures you've posted, and you look fantastic. You look phenomenal for having had 5 children in the last couple of years, and you look marvelous for being 3 mos. (is it really 3 months?) post partum, and you look like a rock star for anyone who's been dealing with IF for as long as you have. Not only that, but you look damned good even if your body hadn't been through all that!
All that said, good for you for wanting to be healthier for yourself and for your kids. Gyms aren't any fun - like you, I'm non-gym-motivated, but worth it so that you feel good about yourself, about your health.
(But I still want to beat on your aunt just a little bit. Can I? Please?)
Ugh -- I just want to punch your aunt in the nose for that comment! I'm not quite there yet, but I know that getting over the weight (and the wait) is going to be tough.
I'm glad your trying, I know it can't be easy. Each day is a gift
from God. Oh the baby weight, gee I still have some from 28 years ago! January '07 before my aunt passed away, I was 56, and when I came into her room at the nursing home she said to me "Did you tell your dad?" I said "did I tell him what?", that your pregnant! I said I'm not pregnant, I'm just fat. Then the next time she said "Is it a boy or girl?" Sure I need to lose like 50 pounds but with my asthma I can't do a whole lot!!
Screw your aunt!!! (not really but you will get it off, love those babies and before your know it you will be chasing them all over the house)
I want to hit your aunt. Just a little. But I get what you are saying completely. Even if you are focusing on the exercise just to feel better then maybe think about the eating right later? Small steps. And how gorgeous are your babies? Yummy! xxxx
Sorry that some people don't know when to keep their mouth shut.I am fearing hearing the same comments too after Mason comes.Hang in there hun and realize that those babies are worth every bit of it and that when the time is right you will have the desire to workout, walk, do yoga or whatever. But for now enjoy your babies.((hugs))
I don't know that I could have kept my mouth shut if that woman was my aunt. *hugs*
I can imagine after loosing a child you are waiting for the other shoe to drop. Kind of goes back to "thinking positive." Easier said then done. The good news is you have your babies at home, they are healthy. Sending prayers your way for peace.
Seriously, WTF??!!! Permission to punch this aunt, please. Please let me. Let that go -- you have other priorities now, and believe me, you'll know when it's time to go work out. Your body will ask for it. You're getting plenty of exercise bopping around house and hospital, tending to two. I gather this aunt resembles a supermodel? Can I ask when she's planning on losing last year's 10 that she put on around the holidays?
And man, the wait -- you put that very well. You can't live in the closet, but you also have to anticipate the boogy man around the corner. Hang tough, all of you.
I'm sorry about the insensitive comment that came your way. Wow, the things people say!
I think you should do whatever makes you happy. You have two beautiful babies at home, which is wonderful. I can imagine that it will take a while for you to fully be over the scars you have from all you have been through. And maybe you'll never be fully over it. But I hope that everyday gets a little easier for you.
Isn't it amazing what some people think is important? I hear you, being strong is important, but that is different than being 'thin'.
PTSD is a killer. I'm in the throws of my own right now, and let me tell you, I don't know how I'll ever sleep if we do finally bring home a baby.
Thank you for such an honest, thoughtful post. It all makes so much sense.
And yes, I'll agree with the others - I'm so sorry about the comment that brought it on :)
((Hugs))!!
SQUEEEEE. Congrats on being PRE BABY WEIGHT. WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT!! Your rocking it lady. I know woman who would give a limb to be able to say that. Hugs, xoxo, Kandi Ann
Your aunt wouldn't be thrilled with me at all. I'm still working on losing the weight I gained with Jason 11 years ago. I keep trying the gym thing but have the worst time keeping up with it.
You look absolutely beautiful. I don't know why your aunt would say such a silly thing! I'll never fit back into the clothes I wore before the girls were born but I don't think I really care. Provided I'm healthy(ish) and can keep up with J, I'm good.
But the wait. The wait is harder to lose. I'm still waiting. I'm still waiting for something to go wrong for J. I hope that Bobby and Maya will be fine. J came home at the end of December and she didn't go back in to NICU. We were very lucky and I hope that you will be too. I would have found it very hard to have J back in hospital again.
And I'm still waiting for G to come home. Because I don't want to believe that she won't, that she can't.
I just wish I could let that wait go too. To realise that there are some things I cannot control and that I couldn't have protected my children from. Sigh.
Oh Michele...I wish I could take the baby wait away, but I know I can't. All I can do is offer my support and prayers, which I gladly do.
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